Notes #33 - Playing Dice With God
Notes From an Amateur Writer #33
PLAYING DICE WITH GOD
This Blog series is an exercise in creative writing. Sometimes expressed in short story forms, sometimes as a journal, or just my thoughts written down. This is my attempt to help coalesce my writing ideas and knowledge into usable form. It is a nursery of sorts for the stories that are on their way, or yet to be written.
This Ain't No Swan Song
I've been trying to write all week. I have, in spurts. Little bits here and there. But not much really. Not as much as I would like. I've been feeling a little rough this week, health wise. It tends to happen as winter is coming to an end. It's strange to me how the body seems to know. Or perhaps the external and the internal are more in sync with each other than we give credit for. Who knows? I just know what has been happening now for the past fifteen years, without fail. And even though I can count on it to occur, it's never pleasant. I think more psychologically than anything else.
Humans are complex creatures. In the good times we tell ourselves we are going to climb mountains, conquer worlds, possibly even rearrange the order of the universe. Imagination reigns and optimism flows. The times are good so how can they not? And this is a good thing. Perhaps it is fuel to get us through the rough times. And they eventually arrive. They do for me anyway.
This time of year brings me a cough. A cough of magnitude. Constant, repetitive, sawing away at my nerves. The hypochondriac in me is certain that this time it is real. This time I am dying. Woe is me. Back of the hand rests against my forehead as violins sing me out to the waiting hearse. Then reality kicks back in. I remember that this has been happening for the last fifteen years. It's my metronome. Tick, another years passes, tock, a second one to boot.
So I am fine. Mentally shipshape. Exhausted though. Coughing can be a full body exercise routine. Either that or I'm not doing it right.
The Dice Are Loaded
Which brings me to God. Everything eventually brings me to God. I think he and I have some unresolved past life thing going on. The issue that occurred fifteen years ago was cancer. My right lung was removed. I survived (clearly, unless this is ghost written). If you survive five years of cancer then you are classified as a survivor. So what do you do if you survive fifteen? You go back for seconds of course. I'm two years into my second helping. Two fifths the way to being a double survivor. Is that what they are called? A survivor squared? Seems somewhere along the way I challenged God to a game of dice. I think eventually God wins all these games, but why make it easy for him?
A Dream Within a Dream
This week has brought some intense vivid dreams my way. I don't normally remember my dreams. I usually know when I have had them. But they fade from view very quickly.
There were two particular dreams this week that were almost lucid. I felt like I was in them as they were happening. I still remember them clearly, as if they were actual life experiences. They were both quite surreal, and related to each other. I am incorporating them into a story I am attempting to write. That is the extent of my writing this week, together with this post. I guess it was more a time to reflect and observe, and allow ideas to evolve in their own time and space.
I have been listening to more music from years gone by. In fitting with the Songlines theme I have, where I write stories from songs that inspire me in some way. The album Adore by Smashing Pumpkins, as well as the Jeff Buckley version of Hallelujah. I also have a Nomad story that has finished a first draft but needs more tidy up work. At about 7500 words this is one of my more developed stories. I wrote this one over a month ago, but my head isn't clear enough to revisit it just yet. Soon enough though.
Inspiration and ideas can come from anywhere. That was really my point here. I think my themes can get somewhat repetitive, but I hope I bring enough originality to them. There is an authentic voice trying to come through.
PS: God sends His love.
All images used with permission, and sourced from Unsplash.com.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you liked it then please like, comment, and follow
@naquoya
Short Fiction:
Bang Bang You're Dead
I Have No Name and I Must Scream
The Last Book Store
The Judge
The Man In The Mirror
The End of the World [Part 1] [Part 2]
The Locked Room
The Gods of Love and War [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]
Blasphemous
Jonathan and the Dance of the Leaves
Songlines - Short stories inspired by songs.
When the Levee Breaks
Crossroads
Heart's a Mess
It's So Easy
Brother, if only words could heal, I would write all the words. Sorry to hear you're not feeling 100%. You are a fighter. You have beaten it once, and I know it will never beat you. Just keep fighting the good fight! I believe in you.
I've had terrible bouts of cough as well before. It lasted for months, but then we discovered that I had developed adult asthma. So puffs did me well. But, turmeric tea with honey and lime also helps. I hope that alleviates some of the pain and clears out the passages.
Writing is my cure, I think. It has helped a lot in the last couple of months. I think it helps unburden emotions. My main task is to present it in a way that is of value to others, such as entertaining or thought provoking stories, or in Blog posts worth reading.
Asthma is tough. I can wheeze a lot and people think I have asthma. So it is similar, and I get how it feels. Breathing issues trigger psychological or neurological mannerisms also because of the core issue it plays in our survival. That I think is the key issue, at least for me.
Honey teas work well. I love herbal teas also. I should drink more of these and less coffee. Thanks for your words.
Blessed be the fruit. (I can't believe I keep forgetting to comment these in my recent replies)
I have just finished the Handmaid's Tale (finally) and I have to thank you for recommending it. This should've really been said in the reply to the gratitude post.
Under His eye.
I recently finished watching the series also. Was ready fore more, so that is a good sign. It was quality television, wasn't it? I started to read the book but so far haven't been as moved by the writing. I've put it to the side for the moment but will return to it and give it its deserved attention at some point soon.
Oh? That's a shame, considering Atwood's one of the top in her batch. I've downloaded a copy of the 90s movie to see how it differs from the series. Elizabeth Moss really did a great job. MVP performance. She could pull off tortured soul and cunning opportunist at the same time.
I don't know if you're into it, but Mr. Robot is returning soon with its third season. If you haven't watched it, you might want to give it a try. Because it's something that I could've easily been if I was steered in the wrong direction, the theme is very close to my heart.
The television series was brilliant, and I agree that Elizabeth Moss' performce may be a huge part of that. The production values were high also. I will return to the book soon and see if perhaps I think differently. I am hoping that will be the case. Perhaps the show set too high a standard.
I am a huge fan of Mr Robot. Looking forward to the third series also. So you almost ventured to the dark side and brought down big business? The stories you could have told then - except you wouldn't be telling them, you'd be a super secret hacker named j3d4u (or something like that).
SSHHH!!! DON'T SPOIL MY HACKER HANDLE!! >.<
I wouldn't say I would've brought down big business, but I have, well hmm.. you know what, it's not me, but I know a guy who was part of an initiative to DDoS a university's system just so they could enroll in some subjects that would've otherwise been full. Definitely not me.
It's great that you watch the show, because I couldn't keep it in anymore. Elliot is Mr. Robot. Whew! There, it's out in the open. With regard to The Handmaid's Tale, I just watched the 90s film, and I hope the ending is vastly different for the series.
Oh no, is Elliot really Mr Robot? Actually, I'm starting to think they're all Elliot. :)
I hope that you are getting better and your cough is not to bad, that sounds a bit platitudy, but I hope that my good wishes come through my clumsy words :-)
Your words on the other hand are never clumsy and one of the best lines that I have read in a while comes from your post :
I loved the wit of that line!
As for God, I tend to be ambivalent about the man(or woman) but I read about Pascals wager when I was quite young and it has kind of stuck and to a certain extent I think that it is probably quite a sane bet to make. I am sure that there are more clever men and women than me who could argue out the flaws in Pascals thinking, but it kind of makes sense to me.
Many thanks, and no not platitudinous at all. And how's that for a word - platitudinous? Sounds like it has something to do with a water based Australian animal. The Latin variety.
Thank you for groking my words. I tried to sprinkle some brevity and wit in there and not make people feel like it was all take and no give.
As for Pascal's Wager, I have not heard of that before. I will take a look and see what I think. Always love to be presented with new concepts or thought processes, especially around old stale ideas (and I have many of those I cherish).
Hey I hope you get feeling better and get that writing Vibe going I've been enjoying a lot of what you've been posting recently. As to that God thing I wonder if you have ever read The Works of Flannery O'Connor, she is my absolute favorite author even more so than Kurt Vonnegut. Her stories are full of religious imagery and interesting characters as you read you think is she violently against God or perhaps is she defending him, you never really know for sure but it sure gets you thinking. I especially like her book Wise Blood.
Flannery O'Connor. Her works are so rich and elegant and layered, with every word in exactly the right place. She's not afraid to go to some dark places, either. (That one about the Bible salesman...)
It's a pity she didn't write more, but she, too, suffered from serious health problems and low energy throughout her life. So it's inspiring that she produced as much as she did.
Thanks for the confirmation. I have this author on my list now. Always on the lookout for interesting new books (new for me).
Thank you, I appreciate the comment. I think the writing vibe has been set to low at the moment, but I will grab every opportunity. Seizing those ideas for when the energy stabilises. I will take a look for Flannery O'Connors work. I like the idea of remaining ambiguous around the topic of God and meaning. To me it shows that at least the person is riding the waves of reality and not stuck in a preset belief. But I understand both sides. Thanks for the suggestion.
Heya @naquoya! I remember when I first began speaking with you when you responded to a post I did about a dream I had a while back. And now we speak of dreams again. I look forward to seeing how your dreams have played out in your upcoming work.
The dice are indeed loaded. But usually in our favor whether we see it or not. Whenever I feel particularly alone, I remind myself that He does have our best interests at heart. It's just that we don't always know exactly what that entails. But it helps me to think that somehow, whatever hardship that I may be going through in any given time, may be the source of great happiness and goodness in the future. I'm sure you've seen it before. God loves creating beauty out of the negative I think.
It is always good to speak with you @naquoya. Cheers and God bless!
Thanks for your comment. The cyclical dream post is at work. I hope I said something meaningful :)
The current dreams were quite dark, but the story I have tentatively developed takes that and turns it somewhat on its head. It's somewhat surreal, given its origins. Playing around with concepts of salvation and meaning/purpose, and sacrifice.
Despite what may, or may not, come through in my posts, I am an optimist at heart. Just a realistic one. What philosophical camp does that fit into? So I tend to ebb and flow with the waves, but not so much at effect of life, just observing and trying to understand.
Salvation, purpose, sacrifice. Some of my favorite themes in fiction. A realism and optimism are not as mutually exclusive as one might think. The more optimistic we become, I think the reality around us responds. I feel so many people spout on about the law of attraction, but there is a certain power in it I suppose. I just feel that it is part of a bigger tapestry that God has put in place.
I have the story in the review section at the Fiction Workshop now. I hope I have done it justice.
Had to think for a moment... winter is coming to an end... ahm... first thing that got me thinking, of how we on our hemisphere assume seasons are the same everywhere. Of course, when I think about it consciously, I know, the situation is a little more "complex".
Season changes are showing an increasing effect on my health too, although I never had to go through any serious illness.
Love what you say about inspiration. An artist friend was once asked what inspires him. Short reply: everything!
Yes, southern hemisphere is where I am currently located. As a writer I took the liberty to remove any superfluous words, and grant the reader the opportunity to work that one out. Could be a problem if it's read 6 months from now though. Hadn't thought of that.
I think inspiration exists all around. It all depends whether I am in tune with it or not. Whether I am open to it at that particular moment.
Like viewing your artwork, and its symbolism. It's quite a treat. Such experience help retune me if I am out of sync.
Haha... actually looked, when you wrote this... well, early morning here and brain not fully awake ;-)
As a night person I understand. Usually none of me is awake in early morning.
I've noticed you've been a little quiet. I'm getting used to my fix. Mmmm, health stuff can really wear us down, especially when accompanied by a history. At least you know you will feel better. The Jeff Buckley version of Hallelujah is my favourite song of all time!
It didn't feel right not writing and posting. Some inspiration arrived today so I seized it. I will better, I just get exhausted, and then my head tries to get involved. So I'd thought I'd write it out of my system. And yes the Jeff Buckley is one of my all time favourites. Certainly way up the top of the list.
Don't you just get so annoyed with that pesky brain? Buy a smile to tide you through.
My brain does pesky well. It specialises in it. And many thanks for the smile. Genuine smiles are my favourite. I'm returning the favour now. I look awkward I know, I think I need more practice.
Practice makes perfect. How's that for low hanging fruit?
Handed to you on a silver (fruit) platter.
And the pips?
Well as Devo once sang - if a problem comes along, you must pip it.
Sorry to hear about your health problems, man. I hope winter comes to a close in a hurry and you're feeling better in no time.
Can you forgive some curiosity? Losing a lung - what does that feel like? Does it feel like "something's missing?" Does the other lung grow stronger to compensate? Do you notice a general shortness of breath? (When you're not suffering from a cough and the other asthma-like symptoms too, of course.)
Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream was a formative album for me. Adore is great too. Just coming across a mention sends me into a nostalgic time-spiral.
Sorry for missing your comment. Curiosity is fine. The feeling of one lung - well I noticed it far more at first. The half rising chest when I breathed. Still happens, just don't really notice it. It's internally where things are different. My left lung has grown slightly larger to compensate. And my heart has moved all the way over. Normally it is held tightly between our lungs. Doctors get freaked out when the try to listen to my heart beat.
Siamese Dreams is where I started with Smashing Pumpkins. It was actually one of the first albums I really got into. Back with Nirvana and Alice In Chains. So much of that early sound still stands up for me.
That's wild about your heart getting pushed over.
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you've had a hell of a journey. I wish you good fortune and health from this point on!
I am delighted. Thank you for continuing to write.
And thank you for reading.
@naquoya got you a $1.69 @minnowbooster upgoat, nice! (Image: pixabay.com)
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