Healing the Narcissist

I witness many people struggling with others who exhibit narcissistic and abusive behaviours.  The empath's struggle is that they think they can heal or change the narcissist.  The trap is thinking that these people can be healed and change through the empath's efforts.  

The individual who is exhibiting narcissistic type behaviours is the one that must do the work to change.  It may seem impossible for a narcissist to change, but I KNOW it is possible, as I've done it.  Prior to 2001 I could have easily been called a narcissist.  However, despite all the interventions, drug therapies, group therapies and even ECT treatments, there is nothing anybody could have done to 'fix' me.  

So how in the hell did I manage to change my personality and behaviours so drastically?  The changes that I made in my life are so startling and astounding that I often struggle to believe that I accomplished such a transformation.  

Pre-2001

March 2001, just after my surrender

The old me was abusive, arrogant and a terrified, hurting little boy.  The fear that I was not good enough, manifested all sorts of abusive behaviours in my life.  I often engaged in covert violence to manipulate people around me.  I was a master of laying the guilt trip, avoiding confrontation, pouting and engaging in other physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuses.  I would use anger to intimidate people in order to scare or prevent them from standing up to me.  It was a horribly abusive behaviour which I engaged in all the time.

I also believed that all my problems were the fault of other people.  I blamed my wife, kids, family, friends, co-workers, corporations and governments all the time for the struggles in my life.  It was always their fault.  The strange thing about my life is that no matter where I moved, the jerks and ass holes were there too.  If anybody raised any concerns they had, I would immediately take it as a criticism and shut down the conversation.  I lacked the capacity to actually listen to what other people were talking about.

No matter who I talked to, I was right and they were always wrong.  My black and white thinking was absolute.  There was no room for the millions of shades of grey or the full spectrum of colors either.  Binary thinking was all I could do at the time.  This gave no room for negotiation.  

The most disturbing part of all of this violence was that I was completely unconscious about it all.  

The Defining Moment

So what prompted me to change?  When people started getting fed up with my behaviour they started setting boundaries and leaving.  They stopped walking on egg shells around me and spoke their truth.  These behaviours pissed me off greatly.  As more and more people left my life I ended up being alone, lonely, scared, hurting and going through depression and even attempting suicide.  I was addicted to pharmaceutical drugs, alcohol, sex, work or anything else that I could use to distract myself from the frustration and pain.  None of it worked.  

It took years, but I eventually got to the point where I lost everything in my life and I faced a choice:  Change or Die!  I surrendered!

For me, that was the defining moment of my life.  It is at that point that I made the conscious choice that I would do what ever it takes to turn my life around.  I went into a program with 40 other people where we worked for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for 18 weeks.  Everything was on the table ... EVERYTHING.  

My tone of voice, body language, words, childhood, relationships, thoughts, feelings, trauma, abuse, violence, etc.  It was all brought out, evaluated and healed.  Confrontation was the name of the game and I was confronted on EVERYTHING.  I could no longer engage in my old ways and had to take responsibility for all my actions, behaviours and thoughts.  I could no longer blame other people for my problems.

The only reason this therapy worked now when all others failed before is because I surrendered and refused to walk away.  I really did want to learn and heal as I knew failure here meant certain death.  It was the most uncomfortable, scary, painful, heart wrenching, terrifying yet rewarding, enlightening and empowering experience in my life.  It gave me the tools and skills to remove all the masks that I put on as a result of the pain and violence in my life.  

I wore lots of masks, so many that I ended up being cut off from my feelings and depended on my intellect to get through life.  That coping mechanism nearly destroyed me.  

Post-2001

Christmas 2003

Now that I'm on this side of the experience, I can confidently say that if I had to go through that experience again, I would!  I learned so much about myself that it literally changed and saved my life.  I've been drug free for 17 years, rarely drink alcohol and kicked my addictions.  I've not been depressed or suicidal since!  

I still experience ups and downs, but I now have the skills to help me work through them all.  I've managed to not only heal my relationship with my wife and kids, but reconciled the relationships as well.  Carey and I have been very happy with one another for 16 years now as we celebrate knowing one another for 30 years.  

My boundaries are firm and resolute.  As I look back, what I need most from the people around me was firm and resolute boundaries.  When people walked on egg shells and surrendered or consented to my violent behaviours, it only fed my illness.  Those who stood up to me may have pissed me off the most, but they are the ones that triggered change within me and actually helped me the most.  

I went through therapy with a lady who was just like me.  She pissed me off to no end and I hated her.  By the time I was done therapy, I recognized that I learned the most from her as she was my mirror.  As a result, I had the highest regard and appreciation for her as she helped me 'see' the violence in my own behaviours.  When I said good bye, hers was the toughest.  My gratitude and appreciation for her far exceeded everyone else and I cried many tears out of gratitude and appreciation for what she did for me.  By learning how to empathize with others, heal my past and take off all the masks, I changed so drastically, that people still have a hard time believing it.

My message to the Empaths and narcissists of the world

Please know that the narcissists may not be consciously aware of what they are doing.  They are hurting, lost spiritual beings.  However, we cannot rescue or heal them, but we can help in the process.  Boundaries are so critical in our relationships, that I cannot express that enough.  Yes, it is extremely painful to be a witness to the healing journey that the narcissist has to go through.  It is dark, painful and down right ugly.  However, it is necessary in order for the narcissist to surrender and let go of their masks and behaviours in order to start healing.  

This is the principle behind tough love.  It is so tough to stand up to these bullies but tough love demands that we do.  Otherwise, we just feed into their narcissistic behaviours by playing the role of a victim.  The people that helped me most were the ones that walked the path of tough love.  It was the lady in my therapy group, the doctor in the emergency ward that refused to admit me into hospital, the loss of my family, home and possessions and the darkness of it all.  That is what it took for me.  That is the level of effort it takes for a narcissist to heal. It may seem monumental, but it is very doable and extremely rewarding. 

It was a damn ugly and painful journey, but I am forever grateful for the experience.  It saved my life and my spirit.  I pray others can heal without going through all that, but I refuse to put up with any of their shit during the attempt.  I pray their surrender comes long before the life and death choice.  

This is why I speak of the importance of boundaries so much.  This is why I take a zero tolerance to violence in my life.  There is a lot of broken people out there who all have some or all of these same characteristics.  We cannot fix them.  But by standing our ground with firm boundaries, integrity and a willingness to confront the behaviours peacefully, we can be a catalyst for change.  But it takes courage, strength, awareness and willingness to walk that path.  

I'm up for it as a reformed abuser and narcissist.  I hope this helps.  

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