Ulog No. 34: "Decisions"
Dear Steemit people,
I'm sorry that I'm just going to ramble on. You can read my crappy post if you like, and maybe give me some advice at the end. Or give your opinion, if you must, even your brutal honesty will not offend me. I am open to anything.
I want to talk about DECISIONS.... decisions, decisions, decisions... Please bear with me.
I just remember that my life was easier when I was young. I did not have to make major decisions in life. The consequences of my actions were bearable. They did not have such a huge impact on what kind of future I was going to have.
Yes, it was so much easier back then. The problem was me. I only made things complicated for myself, creating so much drama in my life and making everything such a big deal. There's just too many things that I allowed to build up until it was just too much to bear.
Luckily for me, I still graduated from high school when I was 15 years old. But I was not completely happy. I thought I would be. I mean, I could even barely finish high school because I was disinterested with school and just did not want to go to school at all. I was failing and rebelled against my teachers and my father, much to their surprise. They did not know what was going on with me.
I was once a consistent model student, always finishing the year level with honours. I submitted all projects and assignments on time. I did not dread long tests or even those surprise tests that teachers would give for no reason at all because I knew I was ready to answer them anytime anyway. I was always looking forward to going to school. I loved school!
Until it came to a point when I did not want to exert any effort at all. I was a big disappointment to my father at that time, especially since it was the last year in high school, and all I needed to do was to pass and graduate. Of course, it was expected that I was not going to graduate valedictorian or salutatorian in class, not that I was still expecting it because I already blew my chances.
I guess I could say that all my teachers probably only let me graduate because either they had had enough of me, of my attitude towards them or they wanted to give me a second chance, that somehow they still believed in me. "This kid still has a chance." "Hey, she is not really that bad at all." "She's just going through some phase and she'll get over it." So I did not repeat a year. I graduated at 15 years old. However, I was too young to decide what course in life to take, which direction to turn to, and what kind of life I would want to have in the future.
Yes, I was happy and relieved that I graduated from high school, but also unhappy and uncertain at the same time because after high school was a period in my life that I really did not know what to do. I thought I got it all worked out what I would do once I'd finish high school. My plan was to take up Accountancy. That was my first choice. Or, Business Administration. Or, any course that had something to do with business so that when I'd graduate, I'd be working in an office or in a bank, working with numbers.
I never considered myself as a very ambitious person. I just wanted simple things in life. Like, get a job, meet someone and be married to this person, and have a family. So I thought that by having a job that would require me to work from 9 AM until 5 PM Monday thru Saturday would eventually help me get what I want.
Even though I always wanted to become a teacher...
When I was young, I thought to myself that I was going to be a good and competent teacher. However, I also thought that if I'd become a teacher, my hopes to meet someone and get married would become futile. I always had this notion that teachers were married to their job. And I didn't want that. I always wanted to have a family.
Eight years later after graduating from high school and after having taken and not finishing two courses, it was only then when I finally decided that maybe I was destined to become a teacher after all. That it was my calling.
Now I am a teacher, and at the same time, happily married to my wonderful and loving husband. I got what I wanted and what I prayed for. Anybody would probably want to trade places with me. I mean, what else could I ask for (except, of course, have a baby, so then I can say, yes, I have a husband and a child - a family).
Now I am a teacher... but why am I contemplating on changing career path? Am I already feeling the burnout that most teachers feel? You see, I am already a teacher, but I still have to take this early childhood degree course to get full qualification just because I choose not to teach high school (where I am fully qualified). And now, I am thinking of just quitting the university and withdraw my enrolment, and just see where it will lead me.
Life as an adult is way too difficult. I decide now and my decision will cause either smooth and calm waters or big tidal waves in my life. But then which choice is going to bring me trouble, and which one is not?
I hope you can help me by enlightening me. Maybe I'm just not seeing things clearly because at the moment my vision is clouded by so many emotions and I am overwhelmed. I think I have burnt out already. Maybe pray for me, too, because I think I need your prayers, even though you don't know me at all.
Thank you and bye for now.
Love,
Leisha V. (@evlachsblog)
Sis, if I was in your situation, I'd continue what I had started. Not only you already had invested a lot of money for the tuition fee, but you also had exerted so much efforts and spent nights of not getting enough sleep. You already invested too much on this. Anyway, you can still use what you will earn here once you finish all the units from uni to what ever path may lead you in the future. You might transfer to other work place, but what you'earned from uni, will not be wasted. Just my opinion.
May God give you wisdom on all decisions you're gonna make, sis. God bless you. 💕🙏
Remember sis, struggles/hardships are part of our growth as individuals. God hears your heart and He counts every tear you've cried. He will never leave you sis.
Thank you, sis @dynamicshine. You're right. I should not give up. If I quit, then everything that I worked hard for will just go to waste. Thank you for your prayers. I love you so much! I wish we were in the same country. Thank you for your prayers.
Oh dear, I feel you. Contemplating about changing careers? I was looking at the possibility of it too myself.
Thank you @drahries. I was contemplating that, then God reminded me how many times I tried to go in the other direction just so I would not become a teacher, but God has always opened the doors and windows of opportunities for me. This is where He is always leading me.
As for you, I suggest before you decide to change careers, think it over many times before you make such a big decision. Just like what I am experiencing right now. I cannot be impulsive but I'm glad I rambled on here on Steemit because all of the people that replied here and gave such enlightening advice opened my eyes and have helped me think more clearly.
It sounds like, for a long time, you had a goal of becoming a teacher.
Then you accomplished that goal. That's wonderful!
Then, sometimes, with a goal already met, our spirit yearns to set another goal or go in a different direction... something that excites us or is very different or gives us a chance to think more creatively.
Often, big change happens in 2 steps... First we have to disengage from what we're currently doing; THEN we can re-group and listen for our Inner Guidance to tell us what to do next.
The analogy is this: As you walk down a hall and step past a corner, you suddenly can see whole other areas that before, while in the hall, you couldn't see. Sometimes we need to take that step forward in order to see the new vista.
💛
Yes, @bananamemos. I have always wanted to become a teacher. Thank God that I was blessed with loving and generous relatives that put me through school that's why I was able to finish university and earned my degree.
But yes, sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I pursued Accountancy or Banking. Usually, I feel this weariness when I'm going through rough times at work or just life in general, and so I think about changing careers, thinking that I am not achieving that job satisfaction, but in reality, I am more than satisfied. My job is very fulfilling and rewarding, and there's really nothing to complain about. I just have to open my eyes and appreciate the GOOD in every situation and not let myself be stressed about anything.
I like your analogy. My sister @dynamicshine advised me to finish what I have already started, at least I've got that if one day I decide to make such a major decision in life, such as changing careers. And just like you said, if one day, I decide to "take that step forward" to see a new or different perspective and then realise that I was happier before, then at least I know I can always have something to fall back on. But then again, it's always a matter of finding a sense of fulfillment in whatever I do or whatever I decide to do in my life.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it a lot!
P.S. Wow! A serious talk for a change. :) We didn't talk about bananas this time. :-)
yeah... we slipped off the banana bandwagon for a moment. (irl, I'm a life coach.)
Not to worry, it never lasts for long! :-D
Here's a snack to keep your energy up:
The teenage years, as our bodies, hormones and emotions change going in into adulthood, can be the most confusing times of our lives. I don't think it's unusual for a lot of "model" students to lose their way, because lets face it, it was not necessarily their way, but what they thought was the expected way. A lot of pressure is put on us in our transition years to choose our adult paths, when transitioning is already hard enough. It's no wonder that we rebel or get confused.
A lot of our beliefs in what we should be doing come from expectations either of others, or what we think others expect of us. We might start a career because it was our calling, but sometimes restrictions can be placed on that career from outside sources.
Perhaps assess why you think you are no longer happy in your teaching role. Is it due to things outside of your control? How much longer do you have left at university? If it's not much longer, is it worth just pushing through to just complete it and have it behind you or are you at the beginning of your course? If you're at the beginning and having doubts do you think it will get any better?
Is that a bad thing, to let life take you where it will. Sometimes we need to let go of control for a bit in order to realise what really is important to us. Then we can take charge of our path again to head down the one we truly want. Sometimes we put a lot of expectations on ourselves to act as adults, but who truly knows how adults are meant to behave. I think that decision is individual to all of us.
Thank you, @minismallholding, for your comment and for your advice. It wasn't because I was no longer happy in my teaching. I'm just confused and probably burnt out already. Most of the time I work beyond my paid hours and sometimes it feels like there's just not enough time to do the rest of what I need to accomplish. I still have 2 years left to complete my degree in Early Childhood Teaching, that is, if I intend to study full time. Right now, I can't afford to study full time, so I just enrolled for one unit this semester, which means that I might finish my course in 2021 or mid-2022.
You're also right. I am putting undue pressure on myself because I want to meet people's expectations of me and I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to let ME down. I feel like I'm sort of a failure if I don't meet those expectations. I just hope that things will be better. I know that I'm going to be okay, I just need to take it easy day by day.
It certainly must feel like there's a long time ahead of you before your studies and full qualifications are done. Perhaps you just need to be a little gentler on yourself.
Yeah, I can be a little too hard or too harsh on myself sometimes. I shouldn't be. I've got to learn to love myself more by giving myself plenty of time to rest and relax and enjoy life, not only when I badly need it.
If this is all recent, like in the last two months then, maybe a home pregnancy test kit or a visit to a doctor to have hormone levels checked. Some of what you are experiencing could be due to health issue.
I went to work after High School for one reason, to be able to buy bigger and better toys to play with. Have you bought yourself anything lately? Given yourself a reward, a whatever this is my life reward? (I do that every three or four years).
You accepted responsibility for your last high school year, so accepting and recognizing your culpability in your own life is something you know and do and accept. So the tidal wave of emotion is like from an outside source you just have not recognized or like I said earlier a health issue. (Thyroid should be checked).
Then again it could all be due to burn-out and needing to take a vacation.
Thanks, @bashadow. I guess it's hormonal. Haha! Well, I'm not pregnant, that's for sure, but you're right, I was pretty emotional when I wrote this post, and it was probably due to the raging hormones which, as you know, women tend to have "before or during that time of the month". I'm still emotional at this stage, but I'm getting better. I'm no longer moping, which is good.
I have also had my thyroids checked not long ago, and they're perfectly normal. So yes, either the hormones or the burn-out or the normal stress that I have been experiencing because I'm overwhelmed by everything that I need to finish.
I actually want to buy a new phone, but my phone is still working, but all I know is that I won't find the joy and peace that I need even after indulging myself with such luxury. No, I can't afford to buy anything at the moment anyway, since I'm paying my tuition fee. I will reward myself once I finish my university degree. That will be my motivation to keep on going.
But yeah, I definitely need a vacation. Speaking of vacation, at the end of the month, I might go camping with my church family. That will be a nice break from work and studies and from everything.
Breaking up the routine will likely help some. A camp trip with friends is always a fun thing.
Liked the post. Loved your honesty and don’t have time to write a long reply because I am on my break from work (that I am contemplating quiting) it’s a great job with nice hours but my soul is not in it. I know your plight. 😀. Just have to figure out is it “the grass is always greener ” or something bigger. I’m rambling now ! Anyway nice post .
Oh no, you're the second one to "contemplate quitting" or changing careers. I hope it's not from the negativity in my post. I am sorry. I will start spreading positive vibes again. Haha!
I think, whatever your passion is, use that and incorporate that into whatever job you have now. I guess. But if it is about looking for a greener pasture, and it will make you happy in the long run, then pursue it. Reach for your goal.
As for me, actually, I am already in a greener pasture, like, I should really stop whining and just find the joy in teaching again (if I lost it somehow).
Anyway, thanks for the feedback and comment @blanchy.
Nah I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Any decision I take will be over a year so I know it’s the right decision . I found your post wasn’t negative in the slightest . You are just going through a tough patch and probably need to go off somewhere on your own for a holiday without any distractions. You can have a good think about what you wanna do.
Looks like you are getting some great input in the comments. I am no good with decisions myself. Some days even small things are hard to decide. Sounds like you may have gotten a bit burned out and depressed in the past. I have had that experience. It usually leads me to being all froze up making any move difficult.
Do you run? Sometimes the endorphins produced by the body during heavy exercise help to clear the thoughts. I have to really force myself to do it. The thing is it works surprisingly well for me.
Sorry for the delayed reply. I haven't been online in a while. Anyway, thank you for your suggestion, @headchange. Yes, I am thinking of going out for a walk or run. I don't run at all, but I will try it. First, I need to purchase a good pair of running shoes because I don't want to injure myself doing it. Haha! I am also considering getting a gym membership. I really do need exercise!!!
Very hard question. Part of me wants to say stick with the plan, finish what you started and another part wants to say go with where your heart tells you to go. But nowadays, life can be very tricky and maybe neither of those are right or wrong choice...
I've been doing programming all my life. There are many times where I want to quit everything and do something else but I always tend to return to what I do best: programming... It would be difficult for me to change career cuz of all what we have to pay.
I would be amazing if Australia could implement the Universal Basic Income, then we could all do the job that makes us happy without worrying about surviving.
Sorry, I have only just read your comment. I will submit a new post shortly that is the answer to my question/dilemma.
Universal basic income is a great idea. Yes, I wish there was such a thing. There will be a lower rate of unemployment. Everyone would be motivated to work because they'd love what they're doing. Those who don't work are just lazy and want everything in life easy.