Ulog No. 26: "When will it be my turn?"

I am going to be vulnerable in this post. Please bear with me.

My husband and I got married in October 2012, and I was 29 years old. My sister, @dynamicshine, couldn't come to my wedding because, at that time, there was no way I could sponsor her to come to Australia. I would have loved for her to be my maid-of-honour. So I chose my first cousin as my matron-of-honour instead. I had 3 other bridesmaids. All of them looked really stunning. I wish I could post their photos here on Steemit, but because I respect their privacy, I just can't post their photos without asking for their permission.

But yes, they all looked stunning! They wore a royal blue dress and each one also carried a bouquet of white flowers as they walked down the aisle before me. I am truly blessed to have relatives living in South Australia, which has made me feel less homesick over the years ever since I moved here.

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Matron-of-Honour: Margie

Margie is one of my best cousins and one of my best friends here in Australia. She has taught me how to adjust and adapt to the Aussie way of life. When I didn't use to understand my husband's sense of humour, I'd get easily offended, but Margie would encourage me and reassure me that John would never mean anything bad by what he said. It's just how Aussies would say some words or express their thoughts.

Margie married her husband in 2009, a couple of months before I arrived in Australia for the first time. They are now blessed with 2 children, 1 girl and 1 boy. My niece was born in 2010, and I got to hold her when she was still a baby. My nephew was born in 2011. I love Margie's kids with all my heart. They're adorable and they are always thrilled to see me because it doesn't happen very often. Their house is in Arno Bay, which is about one-and-a-half hours drive from where I live.

Bridesmaid No. 1: Jennifer

Jennifer is my niece. Her mum and I are second cousins. She was born and raised in Lucena City, Philippines and moved to Australia when she was 9 or 10 years old. Jennifer was 22 or 23 years old when she was my bridesmaid. She was already in a serious relationship at that time and they married in 2013. After two years of getting married, they got pregnant and now their daughter is almost 3 years old.

Bridesmaid No. 2: Crystal

Crystal is Margie's younger sister. She was only 16 then at the time of my wedding. She is half-Filipina half-Australian. She sort of looks like Hillary Duff (yes, I actually do see the resemblance). She used to want to learn to speak and understand the Filipino language, so I taught her briefly. We had probably 5 or 6 tutorial sessions of "Filipino as a Second Language". Of course, 5 sessions were not enough. And besides, I am not really fully qualified to teach Filipino as a second language to a non-native Filipino speaker.

Crystal is due to give birth to a baby girl anytime soon this month or early August.

Bridesmaid No. 3: Nicole

Nicole is my second cousin. She was the one who did my hair and make-up, and she did that as her wedding gift for me. John and I attended her wedding in Adelaide in November 2015. Her wedding, which was held at the Botanical Garden (I think, I can't remember anymore), was also beautiful. She and her husband look great together and I'm sure this marriage will also last a lifetime. Yesterday, she announced on Facebook that they are expecting a baby in January 2019. I am so excited for them.

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Though I am truly and genuinely happy for all of them, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I got married before them, and yet, I am still waiting and hoping that every month is the month that I will be pregnant. When will it ever be my turn? Last night, I happily announced to John that Nicole's pregnant. Of course, we are both happy for them.

Then I suddenly blurted out "Everyone is getting pregnant except me." The reality just suddenly sank in, that I am in my mid-30s now and still there's not a slim chance of me getting pregnant. I couldn't say it's from the lack of trying or something's wrong with me or my husband, because we both had our check-ups done, and everything was normal and fine. So I ask God why?

I cried last night. I actually wept, but not too loud for my husband to hear me. I prevented him from invalidating my feelings and pain, so I'd rather mope in our bedroom alone. Later on, when I couldn't stop crying, I called my best friend and cried to her over the phone. She said that she was going to pray for me and that she would give me a hug on Sunday. We are going to see each other in Adelaide on Sunday and will be staying there until Tuesday for our Professional Development workshops required by the school. She told me to cry to John and tell him this:

"You don't need to say anything. Just let me cry and all I want you to do is hold me until I feel better. Tell me that you love me and everything will be okay."

I wanted to do that last night. I wanted to come to him, but he was busy eating pistachio nuts whilst watching sports on TV. He had been working all day, and I wanted him to relax and not to worry about me. I continued to mope and feeling so depressed because of the fact that I am still childless. I know that there are lots of true stories that I can draw inspirations from to make me realise that my problem is actually nothing compared to others.

But like I said, my feelings, my pain, my frustrations, my anger... they are valid. It's okay to have all these feelings and even be angry with God. I do believe that just like in any relationship where we can express our thoughts and feelings, where we can be angry towards our partners or spouses, it doesn't mean that relationships will be completely broken. There will still be resolution and forgiveness after everything that is said and done.

So, me being angry with God is totally fine. I am His child and just want to vent my frustrations to Him, my Father. He will not disown me just because I aired my grievances. Meanwhile, I should not hesitate to communicate to my husband how I feel. But because I don't want to be perceived as weak and vulnerable, and that it seems to me that everything is about me, so sometimes, I'd rather keep it to myself since this feeling of sadness and depression, too, shall pass anyway.

But one thing I keep on forgetting is that marriage is a union between a husband and a wife. If I don't openly communicate, I am not giving my husband a chance to be one with me in whatever I am feeling. I also don't give him the opportunity to love on me especially during the times that I need him the most. He needs to be able to protect me from feeling so helpless and downcast, but how can he do that when I am not sharing my heartaches with him.

Just like how David and Job expressed their frustrations with God, but still, their faith in God was very strong. So even though I am feeling this way at the moment, I still haven't lost my faith and trust in God. What I wrote in my previous posts remain the same, nothing has changed. As a mere human being, I will have the tendency to be vulnerable but I know that God knows what's in my heart and He fully understands how I feel. I may not be able to understand why there's such a delay in answering my prayers, or maybe my prayers will never be answered by God, I will still completely trust that God has greater plans for me.

Related Posts:

Ulog No. 14: "When God doesn't answer my prayers, it doesn't mean He's absent"
Trust God's Plan in All Circumstances
Anxious? Stressed? Here's God's Remedy for You
Never Waver and Be Strong in Faith