Exposing My Vulnerabilities #5
While I was down doing 'the work' today, I had a bit of a breakthrough.
I realised I was caught in a bit of a cycle.
I live in an awesome area, beaches as far as the eye can see.
But I have severe anxiety due to events from 2009.
which makes it hard for me to leave the house.
Which then compounds the depression,
which then starts the cycle all over again.
How I fix this I'm still unsure of, but the psychologist I have been seeing told me about cognitive behaviour during my last session.
So I have been doing some research on it.
Watching a few videos.
But my ADHD is kicking my ass at the same time.
Discord just dinged, and I'm only just resuming typing this, nearly 3 hours later.
I'm like a full-on alphabet soup these days.
Adhd, ptsd, aspd.
The list is probably more extensive than I can fathom.
But that's just life these days I guess.
I've been meaning to do a follow-up post on the substance abuse one.
It's been 3 months ( maybe closer to 4 now ) since I quit weed.
If I said it was easy, I'd be lying.
There isn't a day I don't think of going and getting high.
Perhaps that's another reason I don't leave the house much anymore.
The fact I might go and find some.
20+ years I was a smoker. And then just nope. Can't afford it.
Ramen, or getting high. Pick one.
Suffice to say, feeding myself took priority.
Not that it didn't in the first place, but my budget allowed it back then.
$330 a week income, 180 on rent (included dinners) 30 on electricity, 40 on cigarettes, 15 on phone credit, rest on weed.
Now its 250 on rent, 38 on electricity, 50 on cigarettes, and maybe some food. Barely afford phone credit. I get that maybe once every 6 weeks.
The struggle is getting real.
As I may have mentioned the other day in one of my sunset posts.
Every time I go and do the sunset photos, I have to resist the urge to just walk into the water. And just float away.
I honestly doubt anyone would even notice I was gone.
Hell, one of the servers on discord, that I was spending 20+hrs a day, interacting with people, I left nearly 2 weeks ago.
In those 2 weeks, only 5 people ( of 18,000 ) have checked in on me to ask if I was OK.
That's quite disheartening to say the least.
anyways, ill end this post here, because my thoughts are turning sad, and I don't want to burden my readers with that thought process. Steemit should be a happy place. Full of pictures of kittens, and nice food, and sharing of information.
Not depressed ponies that are contemplating running off to a glue factory.
Pony out.
PS if u have me on discord, drop me a line once in a while.
If you DONT have me on discord, there's a link up the top of my blog, come pop into my server.
You might even learn something.
PPS I think that's another reason why this place ( steemit ) is disheartening me. Not only is the price down more each day, but, I get literally NO comments.
Hell, I made more from my 'screw this, I'm done with steemit'
than I did from my introduction post.
That says a lot.
in case u missed the previous installments, here they are
https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/exposing-my-vulnerabilities
https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/exposing-my-vulnerabilities-2
https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/exposing-my-vulnerabilities-3
https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/exposing-my-vulnerabilities-4
Keep breathing. One breath at a time. The struggle is real, but the fact that you're brave enough to share it takes courage and honesty, and it shows me that you're trying really hard to overcome, to adapt. To survive. Sometimes all we can do is survive, sometimes we fly and thrive. Just know you're not alone. Not ever. There are so many who feel the same way. I see you. Sending blessings!
P.S. For me nature is the most healing thing. I'm glad you have the ocean there to sing to you, the beaches to wander barefoot upon. I hope nature soothes your soul. Peace, friend.
dude, quit or cut back on ciggies. eat instead. or save for something creative! yes it will be hard. however the trick is to cut out whats not healthy. smoking sucks all your B and C vitamins out of an already nutrient poor diet. maybe you are getting stressed out from lack of nutrients? B and C are the vitamins that help you deal with stress. you are killing all of them. just a thought. feed your body, not your anxiety!
ps i love you, and i would notice. so shut it.
i know you would puppers, i know you would
I feel ya, I won't get your ADHD any worse than it is so just keep the faith. If there is anything I can do you know where I am.
Keep your head up dunstuff . We have a bright future in steem. I can see it, even if it's cloudy right now, it will come clear soon enough.
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Yeah, somehow, you make a post like this and you get 123 votes but only 1 comment and that's from steemitboard. Makes you think man, makes you think on what the hell the world has devolved to.
I just recently replied to a post from artsy who is under some pretty bad situation too and it's like no one REALLY cares, not enough to spend their time writing a comment. I mean, right now I do have an awesome idea for a post I want to write, there is so many things I need to work for my anime community, but that's no reason to not support someone with a comment. I'd rather earn 0.5$ less than not write this comment, I'm sure other people agree, I'm sure other people don't, it's a fact.
I haven't used weed before and I don't plan on using it either, but a cousin of mine did, he got high often, he told me it was the best feeling, you felt relaxed, everything was clear, you felt good, etc... etc... I don't know, I have never tried it and don't plan to, but there is something real, reality IS a bitch, no two words around it, and to me the weed is just a way of trying to escape this reality. However reality smacks you back always, just like you said, now you can't afford it, plain and simple as that, reality kicks you back into here.
Maybe, maybe you should try to float a while, relax your thoughts, calm down a bit and focus on the small positives, on these 5 who decided to check on you, to me the beach is really therapeutic. If you're considering suicide, then I guess I can relate somehow, I did consider suicide some time ago during an epoch of extreme bullying. I didn't have the balls to do it though, I admit it, it's not that I wasn't against a wall, it's just I didn't have the guts to go through, I was fucking coward. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to just have ended everything, to see my screen go black and that's it... sometimes I'm glad I survived and grew stronger, because this world is full of shit, but I've meet good people, people who care or at least that's what I tell me. I'm sure if I die the only people who'll remember me are my mother, my father, perhaps my brothers-in-blood... perhaps, I know my aunt would cry since she's been with me since I was a child... and I think that's all, anyone else wouldn't care much... that's reality for you. Even my best friend has forgotten completely about me after leaving my country, he doesn't never reply on FB or on messenger, just goes to show the kind of person he was, screw fake friends I say, I want true people that can understand me and that are willing to spend time with me because THEY WANT to spend their time with me, not because they want my money or my knowledge or whatever...
Don't be a sad pony, life is shit, but if we focus we can always find something shining in the bottom of all that shit, I'm from a third world country and stuff is different around here, true. I can't understand how does one feel being surrounded by awesome things and unable to enjoy them, I just don't have shit and everyone around me is in the same boat so at least I can relate to them :(
again, my ADHD is kicking my ass. i cant read all of this :(
and hence the thoughts of relapse. when i had had a few, i had perfect clarity. could sit for hours reading. but now im all over the place.
Your post has been resteemed.
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