Exposing my vulnerabilities #2
here I sit, once again, preparing to pour out my emotions.
have a psych appointment in 2 hours, and, to be honest, I'm not very keen.
I don't want to be spilling my heart to a random stranger. ( yet here I am, spilling it to the masses)
its been a difficult few weeks lately. mum's birthday was this month. as was the 2 year anniversary of her passing.
they say you don't get over it, that you just learn how better to cope with it.
but I don't think I am. in fact, I feel (and a friend I helped move over the weekend pointed it out also), that I am regressing. i am not 'getting better'. I am, in fact, spiralling deeper into the depression. another thing she said though struck home. is it depression, or is it grief?
and that has me questioning.
and questioning is good.
questioning leads to possible growth.
we are all going through something in our lives. for a long time, I felt alone in my struggle. but talking about this the other day in a post, made me realise, that we all have something in our hearts, that makes us hurt.
sometimes talking about it with random strangers is easier, than talking about it to our nearest and dearest.
is it because we care less on how a random stranger will judge us, than the ones we hold close?
is it that their impartial views are easier to accept than those of close to us?
is it because the person whom we choose to confide our deepest and darkest to, understand the type of people we are, and that their opinion of us matters more than a trained individual.
these are just a few of my current ponderings.
things I think of late at night, when sleep eludes me.
resisting a relapse. part of me just wants to get high ( on weed. I don't do harder substances)
but I need to remember why I quit in the first place ( a year ago ) the first time.
I remember I was using it as a band-aid. to not feel. and that is not healthy. I realise that now.
I am hurting. I need to turn that hurt into something special. turn the sadness into growth. I get that now.
something my flatmate said to me over the weekend really hit close to home.
he told me the reason he is rarely at the house.
in one of my moments of weakness, I said ( and I don't remember the EXACT words, so I'm paraphrasing )
'one day you will come home, and find me in the bathtub - that's how I feel right now'
and that is the reason he hasn't been over very often.
he doesn't want to walk in and find me there. it scares him. and I can understand why.
and that's why, when I went to my unemployment provider interview the other week,
I spilled my heart to the worker. to try to make something of myself.
I did a 'preparing for work' questionnaire. it was disheartening. to realise I don't have very many skills. to realise I am not the type of person people would be jumping at the opportunity to employ.
to be honest, after doing the questionnaire, I felt useless. i.... its hard to explain, and frankly, I don't have the energy to.
my goal in life ( has been for 2 years now ) is to get into studying. I want to do youth work. I want to help prevent other people falling into the life I was forced to live. to survive.
but my extensive criminal history, and running away from it all because of 'the incident' makes that a little hard to do.
I have been good ( not done anything that may lead to me being arrested ) since 2000/1. but because I ran away from it, and didn't face up t it til 2009, makes it look like they are fresh charges.
in those 8 years, I was running away, I missed out on quality time with my mother. time I will never get back. And i never want anyone else to have to experience that.
i think thats what i like most about being a steemian. that i can put my message out there. tht i can interact with people, and try to help them get through their difficulties.
image courtesy of pixabay
just reading about #ulog 's - should have probably added that as a tag on this post and https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/exposing-my-vulnerabilities , right @surpassinggoogle?
showed a friend on facebook this post
the reply was
'You know ur awesome Hun I have faith in u. Yes u will have hard times in ur life but it's how u choose to deal with those issues that counts. I'm really proud of you and I sure as hell know that Mum would be super proud'
:)
I think is because we also want fresh eyes on the matter, i know when i talk to my friends they already know the background and sometimes are bias towards a side, so i choose to share with strangers to get an opion on the matter more new.
I think you have a lot of very good points and I like that there is a discussion of the human aspect behind someone who was once a criminal and is now marginalized for that label.
i read the other day, about how many people in jail are suffering from depression or mental illness, and how there just isnt the money or desire to help them. sort of a tough love, you've dug your grave now lay in it.
the stigma on mental illness coupled by the social reluctance to discuss it openly for fear of making other people feel uncomfortable keeps this issue in the shadows.
i love your idea of directing your energies to helping others. I think you should explore the idea more before you give up on it
had a good talk to the psychologist whilst i was in there. even showed him my timelapses ;)
he raised a good point about empathetic people like myself, and how we, although are struggling a lot, try to take on other peoples issues and help them instead of dealing with our own demons.
he made a good point. i realised long ago that, to put my own drama on the back burner helps me to deal with my issues, because it gives me more knowledge, which i can often use to attack my problems from a different angle.
spoke to him about getting into youth services, and how i want to change the world.
when he asked about thoughts of self harm, i told him no. though it took me a moment to answer.
i explained that i have a lot more to do here ( on earth ) before i leave. i cant go till ive made a difference. he liked that answer.
i like that answer too. I think it's something to think about in the conversation you put down in your posts. i do it too, the self hate talk. so you do it to tell others, or to tell yourself?
and I think you make an excellent point about empathetic people. they often go about helping others to the point of self neglect, never seeing how they self harm, because - at least to me - helping others is almost a karmic debt we pay because we want others to care for us. its backward thinking, and ive recently come to realize the price i've paid for using it to prove my worth.
I know just how you feel, the struggle is real and we have to stick together through the hard times and continue to reach out and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, #2x's the amount of vulnerable is even better. Hang in there.
Thanks for your great post on post promotion, your rank of Ensign rewards you for extreme combat pay and putting your soul in the line of fire...100% upvote accommodation, thank you for your service
i like this concept. was actually thinking something similar
I like this concept.
Was actually thinking
Something similar
- dunstuff
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
thank you, I was a really difficult kid and after demanding to be put into military school after constant threats by my parents they finally gave in....after I purposely got kicked out of the school I was attending of course :) I really did well under the strict regimen, It gave me direction without looking at the prize and made me want to succeed for myself. Instead of always being punished when I did wrong I was rewarded when I did right. I am having fun with this structure on the discord already...I am really glad you like it.....you're my first feedback. You are two ranks away from having access to the high-ranking-officials voice chat and higher upvotes....personally looking forward to seeing this happen.
Keep calm and carry on my fellow Steemian Soldier!
@haikubot I couldn't have said it better myself and I am glad @dunnstuff did--Carry on.
Posts like this is what leads to that healing and I think you are making some awesome steps in that direction dude. It's not always easy to see that when dealing with grief the only way to get 'through it' is to process it. The inclination to avoid digging into these wounds and getting rid of all of the toxic sludge that comes with this is what keeps us sick. Mental health is just as important if not more so than physical health, but it seems like as a society we neglect that fact and do a poor job of helping people in need. I'm not sure if people view depression as something contagious or what, but I have been there and all I can say is that I get it. The need to numb out, the feeling of guilt, the beckoning call of the abyss saying that it's better than existing, but if we can work through those toxic thought cycles and clean out our mental wounds, they can heal. If you ever need to talk, hit me up. Much love to you and keep up the awesome work. <3
Hi dunstuff,
Visit curiesteem.com or join the Curie Discord community to learn more.
It seems to me too many people want to rush the grieving process and then that leaves us thinking there must be something wrong with us that we can't hurry up and get over it. At least that's how it's been for me.
Isn't it weird how one is so much easier? For me, spilling to the masses is almost like journaling, but better cause the journal actually cares what you write. (But not too much, so I am still free to write what I want.)
indeed, and as was said above, talking to randoms gives fresh insight
What age group do you want to work with? I wonder if you could volunteer somewhere as a good faith action until your charges are worked out.
school age. maybe 12-15 year olds. before they join 'the wrong crowd'
funny story actually. whilst helping friend move over the weekend, we went out to lunch, and whilst i was outside having a cigarette, some 'twelvies' came up and asked me for a cigarette. i said no, and then added, as an afterthought 'without sounding like an asshole, maybe kick the habit whilst you still can. i did the math, and realised this year, i spent $1500 (not exact math) on cigarettes this year. if i had spent that on bitcoin instead last year, i could have pulled $34 THOUSAND out of the bank at xmas time... jussayin'