Exposing my vulnerabilities #3

It's been a week now since I posted Part 1, and 4 days since I posted Part 2
so I thought I really should do a follow-up.

It felt great to get it out. In fact, after posting part 2, I GASP, got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
in fact, I felt like Edward Norton in that movie that the first 2 rules are to not talk about the movie's title.

But in the back of my head, I knew the story wasn't finished. that there was more I had to say.
Which then led me to a bit of a conundrum, which I will now struggle to explain.

The conundrum is, after being told for so long, that you will never amount to anything, and starting to believe it, when actually doing something successfully, the fear kicks in.
The irrational fear
of success.

I love to share my sunsets and kitty pictures with you guys. after all, at the end of the day, isn't sharing cat pics the reason we invented the internet in the first place?

But then I did a post. and it was accepted. all of a sudden, it seemed it was ok to be broken. no longer was I shunned by the masses. the community accepted me with open arms. the love of strangers. and it felt great.
So why can't I shake off this fear of being loved?
Am I really that broken?
(that's a rhetorical question by the way. I know I am in fact broken )
but hopefully, I can change that.

It's taken a lot to sign back up for sessions with the psychologist. I was seeing one near the end of last year, but, during one of my appointments in mid-December, she seemed more interested in playing on her phone than she did in helping me overcome my issues. I hadn't slept well the night before. In fact, I was lucky to get 3 hrs a night if I was lucky. Was doing 40 hour days, but not actually doing anything. (ongoing health issues make it hard for me to obtain long-term work, but I won't get into that right now, as it brings back feelings I'd rather not have racing through my head whilst trying to be productive) – so I picked up my bag, and just walked out.

In hindsight (after a discussion with one of my closest friends ) I realised that she may not have been on the phone planning a Christmas dinner with family and friends, and may have, in fact, been replying to another client, who needed more support than me. Hindsight is a bitch of a thing sometimes. But oh well, it happened. I messaged her the other week and apologised for my rudeness. Doesn't fix the situation, but I was (kinda) raised right.

The new person I have started seeing ( had 1 session already ) suggested that I need to do something to unwind. I mentioned I already was and showed him one of the timelapse sunsets I had done the previous day.

When he asked if I had any 'bad thoughts' I explained to him yes, BUT “I can't go yet, I havent changed the world” and explained to him about the wanting to do youth services.

Sorry, I feel I may be going over previously stated stuff, so I'll cut it off here, and, if necessary, add some stuff in the comments section when / if you all have questions. I'm a 'questions and answers' kind of pony, so, feel free to ask below, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Till then,
Pony out.

image courtesy of pixabay