My Road to Steemfest Cut Short: Why I Will Not Be Attending Steemfest Now
I Thought I Was Ready
Then I heard a knock at the door.
Let me in! Fucking cops are everywhere!
It was Jared. He was drunk and high again. It was nine o'clock in the morning. There was blood all over his face and clothes.
What the hell happened to you, I asked.
Fucking school bus full of kids cut me off, man!
I looked outside and saw his truck. Smoke or steam was rising up and out from under the hood. A stop sign was poking out of his smashed windshield and I think that's what hit him in the face.
You got in a wreck and came here! Why?
You told me if I ever needed a place to hide, I could come here!
Yeah but I didn't think you'd actually do something stupid! I was just being nice when I said that, I joked. We better hide that truck.
Knowing him, he would have stuck around the scene of the accident if he killed someone. Obviously he just didn't want to lose his driver's license so we headed outside to the garage to find a tarp to cover the truck.
My neighbors won't say anything, they're pretty cool people. One grows weed and the other sells homemade nunchucks, brass knuckles, throwing stars, little bombs and pretty much anything else we're not supposed to have. They won't be calling the police.
Once we took care of the evidence, we went back inside, I put the coffee on.
Can I have one of these smokes?
Yeah man, go right ahead.
He grabbed one of my empty cigarette tubes, sparked it, the whole thing went up in flames; along with some of his hair.
You're supposed to put tobacco in those things first you fucking asshole, I yelled with a smile before I started laughing at this guy and his new singed hairdo.
Dude. I can't go to Poland now.
What the hell are you talking about! We planned this trip for weeks, man. You're supposed to have my back in case any shit goes down. I don't know these people, some of them probably want to shank me, I hired muscle, and that's supposed to be you! I'm not going to fucking Poland by myself, man. Five minutes! I'll be there five minutes and you know how I am. One dirty look and I'll be in the back of one of those European cop cars that goes wee-ooo wee-ooo wee-ooo on my way to some dank cell so I can be intimate with big mean Stanislaw.
I thought you were paying me to shove the cocaine up my ass.
That too!
You saw my truck, dude. The wife isn't going to let me go to Poland and fix the truck.
Since when do you give a shit about what your wife thinks? You're just being a pussy. You probably smashed your truck on purpose because you're afraid of jets and you think you're going to die.
I'm not afraid to fly, okay! I just don't like small spaces and people coughing while I try to sleep with a football full of cocaine up my ass. It's uncomfortable.
We've done this before. Come on. Think about what you're saying here. You've never been to Poland, I've never been to Poland, this is our chance and the only reason I'd ever want to go to Poland, they probably have cool things there, dude. Tell your wife I'll help pay for the truck. Say I wrecked it, she'll believe that. Remember when I rolled your quad and it fell down into that ravine? We had to call in a special tow truck and it almost cost what your quad was worth to get it out of there, remember?
Yeah.
Well I didn't roll your quad. I wasn't even there, dude. You were supposed to be at work and your wife still thinks it was me who did it to this day because of your bullshit. You owe me one. You said, "Dude, just play along, I'll get you back." Remember?
Yeah but I bailed you out of jail last fall.
Because you put me in jail last fall! You said, "Hey! Do you want to come with me to this guy's house and help load a quad onto the back of my truck?" And I said, "Sure, anything for a friend." Then when we got there and I saw you trying to cut the lock I asked, "Are you sure this is normal?" And you said, "Yeah, he told me he lost the key and said to bring bolt cutters." Then when the guy came out and pointed the shotgun at my head, you hopped into your truck and fucked off outta there while I had to sit there and do every weird little thing that guy told me to do.
Did you have to suck his dick?
No! What the hell is wrong with you?
What's with that look? Why are you so quiet now?
I don't know what you're talking about, man.
You sucked his dick, didn't you.
He tried to make me suck his dick, okay? I told him I'd bite it off. He said he'd pull the trigger and blow my brains out if I did that. I told him if he does that, he'll shoot his dick off or have to explain to the paramedics and police why they have to come and pry half of a human head off of his penis. He eventually chilled out and called the cops.
That was smart. So I guess we're going to Poland?
Fuck yeah, buddy! We're going to Poland! So you're here now. Better late than never. I was waiting for you to show up last night with the 'football'. Did you score that stuff or not? I was beginning to think you took my 10k and ran.
The blow? It's in the truck. I'll go get it.
Ten Minutes Later
I can't find it, man. It's not in the truck. I looked everywhere.
What the hell do you mean, "I can't find it," where could it be? Did it fly out when you wrecked?
I know I had it, dude. We gotta go look for it.
Alright, let's go! Where did you crash?
In front of that school just a few blocks down your street.
You crashed in front of a school?
Yeah man I told you! I was late, I wanted to get here, fucking school bus came out of nowhere, I swerved, hit the curb, was up on two wheels, kids were fucking cheering, I hit the stop sign, then a van, then I pinned it and got the fuck outta there.
Well, whatever. Hop in the Jeep and let's go.
We arrived at the school.
Eyes peeled.
The mess was already cleaned up. They had some guy filling in for the missing stop sign, standing there on the corner, looking like a jackass in his reflective suit, waving his sign around. We're driving up and down this street in front of an elementary school, slowly, probably looking like a couple of perverts. Nothing. Couldn't find it. A football is easy to see. So I parked in front of the school, wanted to cry, but couldn't cry.
Then I heard the bell ring. Saw the kids rush outside to the playground. It was recess. Jared and I sat there, watching these kids have fun, talking about how we used to love recess. I noticed a kid walking towards the fence in our general direction. He appeared to be excited about something. He bends down, picks up a football, I said, "Jared! Is that the football!" Before he could answer, the kid yelled, "Hey! Look what I found!" His friends looked over, he held the ball out in front of him, dropped it and swung his leg, his foot hit the ball...
Poof!
Cocaine. Everywhere.
The kid looked like a ghost. We got the fuck outta there.
Needless to say, I'm down 10k, and I will not be going to Steemfest this year.
Have a nice day.
That was my favourite part, brilliant! But I'm sad to hear you won't be attending Steemfest :(
That was my fave part too. Lmao
Next year, I'll show up, maybe. Hopefully it's closer to home.
This whole post was damn funny, but imagining that there are people out there who might not realize it was fiction without the footer is downright f*&^ing hilarious!! ;)
This.
Seriously? On that post? This is why he needs footers.
But yeah, you can have fun with tags. I may have posted multiple stories of myself murdering various peoples under "non-fiction"
Whistles innocently
Like I said, HILARIOUS, hahaha!
I may have to check that out ;)
Yeah. I did it again. There are probably people here who think I go bananas simply because I forgot to use the fiction tag on that post... LOL!
But yeah, this one has two warnings. Fiction! Make that at least three.
Your neighborhood sounds so safe, I hope this part isn't fiction.
I think we've all had a Jared in our lives. I don't stay in touch with mine anymore - she can't be trusted in the presence of anything that can be pawned. But she's definitely familiar with cocaine, and she might even know how to stitch up a football. If your Jared ever gets a divorce then maybe they should meet.
Yeah, having neighbors like that means you don't need to lock the doors because they're always peeking through the blinds.
The real Jared is a damn good guy, these days. That's a caricature and our history wasn't quite as intense but I guess I got the idea from somewhere...
Sounds like one heck of accomplice of debauchee right there.
Since you won’t be going to Poland can I borrow your guy? I have some chickens that need to be transported. I'm sure his wife will be fine with this. I have a feeling he will be needing some fresh air and she could use the time away from him.
They first need to be “liberated” from this ship. You can see them sunbathing right here. Clearly the owner is a real monster and they don’t realize just how bad it is for them to be in the sun like that. Don’t worry your guy won’t need any bolt cutters.
They never lock these ships up in the first place. Who knows why? Your guy will be perfect for this. He just needs to take the ship and drive it a few ports over to my hideout.
What could go wrong there are no stop signs for him to hit! If he loses a chicken or two that fine. All that matter is that gold one in the middle. I think it will lay golden eggs which will fund more debauchee!
I don't think he does livestock anymore. He said something about a hamster and then "never again."
I didn't know talking cats could be pirates. I think you've been into the catnip again though. I'm certain Jared would hit every rock in existence and that think would be a bottom faster than the Titanic.
That's what the pointy part on front of the ship is for onboarding and ramming! I have a feeling Jared would try and snort them rocks so really they won't be an issue.
Oh yes us cats are pirates of the sea and outer space---Mearrrr!
Great story as usual man!! I could definitely Imagine Quentin Tarantino directing this in a movie...Wow! Boy that Jared is something else!! Lol:)
The idea popped into my mind at the worst possible time though. I was just getting ready to sleep, ended up staying awake all night.
I could easily add a few more details and turn this into a screenplay. Most of it is there already. Stretch a few of those scenes out to five minutes, add them up, there's an hour plus twenty minutes, easy. Good idea!
Awesome man! I’ll be looking forward to your writings of the next adventure:)
This text, all up and down with emotions, great piece man!
I had a lot of fun putting this one together. I was actually excited to hit the post button!
Thanks a lot.
How do I buy? Can I communicate orders through you? How much are they charging anyway? Do they ship to the US? Do I have to come there? Why am I still asking questions?
That's a detail I left out. Originally I was thinking the first quad and the potentially stolen quad were the same quad but skipping that detail opened up the way for the rest of the humor there.
I'm sure those kids would still be talking about.
I think the name Stanislaw means 'glory'. So that's a bit of an easter egg.
I don't know why you're still asking questions.
` 4. I noticed you never actually answered about how I could buy and whether I could pass the orders through you. Any ideas?
Though it's probably not a good idea to give me more ways to kill people.
If you told you, I'd have to kill you. You know how it is.
I don't know what Steemfest is, but I thought this post was very great and excellent and deserving of me being upvoted and followed by you. Very interesting image, it looks like lines of blow? But I doubt a post about Steemfest, whatever that is, would have anything to do with blow. I also don't know what fiction is. But I agree with you that cocaine is awesome. Thanks.
I think Steemfest is like Christmas and Ned dresses up like Santa Clause er somethin.
That image does look like lines of blow. I think those are Christmas decorations though and you're right, everyone likes those.
Cant believe i read it all, using my small screened phone. Lol.
This was hillarious, great read.
It was long, I know. I actually cut a few parts out because I know how people seem to prefer quick reads. I didn't want to break it up into two parts either and leave everyone hanging. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You know @nonameslefttouse this is the longest post I have ever read on your blog and it was really captivating. I can't believe I read through all the shit talks....hahahaha. Jared must be one hell of a guy. He sure knows how to look for trouble even when it isn't looking for him and you are one amazing friend. I like that you can do anything for your friend. That is cute. Don't worry about Poland, you will read all about it on people's blog.
I've written some lengthy pieces. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Jared is based on a real guy, a damn good friend, but this was fiction. Just having fun.
What great imagination you have.