When It Gets Hard, Drive Slow - A Personal Freewrite about Loneliness, Social Anxiety, and Recovery.
From the past few weeks, it feels as though life has been trying to get the best of me. Work is a little more tiring these days and the need to make new friends after shifting college is slowly driving me into feeling lonely.
Though I love my job and don't regret my decision to change college, I do indeed miss waking up late and being in the company of my friends and being admired by them.
I wrote a little bit about this in my previous freewrite about how I'm trying to learn and deal with the fact that people will come and go from my life and I need to learn how to be okay with it without clinging on to anyone.
It sounds like the most basic thing when reading about it on a blog post but to practice it in real life is a whole different thing because the people we hang out with end up shaping a significant part of our personality.
And when you watch them leave, it creates a sort-of void in your identity. For some people, it is easier to fill up that void rather quickly while others struggle with it.
This is especially true for people who are still discovering and finding stuff out about themselves. When you are unsure of your identity, your personality is rather easily moldable and you are more vulnerable to potential feelings of loneliness and irrational behavior.
I'm currently facing something similar. Though there are things about me that I'm really sure about, there are still a lot of things that I don't know if I enjoy them or not.
I see myself in different personalities in different social situations and I'm never sure which one of them is more 'me'. I try to figure out which of those personalities is the dominant one but none seem to fit in. As soon as I try to act according to one, it feels as if I'm lying to myself.
This has happened quite a few times before and in situations where I couldn't afford to deal with it. Still, I have and I somehow managed it.
One of the ways I'm countering this is by being extremely open and honest about what's been going on in my head.
This is why I started the "Real Talk" series on my blog. I needed a safe space to let out the voice of that confused and insecure kid I really am.
Related: Real Talk #4 - Confessions
One other way I'm dealing with it is by learning to trust my instincts instead of doubting them. I'm done trying to always go for the calculated approach because there are always more aspects that can be taken into consideration before making a decision.
Instead, I'm gravitating more towards what feels right at the moment and so far, it's working out better than expected. It makes me feel like my decisions are mine and not influenced by factors considered by other people that I don't really care about.
Acting according to my initial instinct seems to be a better alternative than my over-calculated decisions. I still do think stuff through if the situation needs it, but in most cases, my instincts seem to do the job pretty well.
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