Real Talk #4 - Confessions

in #realtalk2 years ago (edited)

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A few days back, my mom and I were having a conversation about life, future, job and all that kinda stuff and she asked me why am I in such a big rush to start working a job and earn money this early in life, even if I have just started to enter the adult world and have absolutely no pressure on me from my family to help them with finances in any way whatsoever.

Well, I finally revealed to her why am I so desperate to start early. I told her that I have this irrational yet strong fear that no matter what I do in life and no matter how hard I try to become successful, one day I'm still gonna end up dying alone in the middle of nowhere with no one to help me.

I know what you guys might be thinking after reading that, and you're right. I am scared. A lot. That too, for no real reason. I've been so scared about my future lately that I sometimes even think about dropping out of college and joining whatever job I can find just so I can avoid my fear from coming true.

My mind is making me believe that earning lots of money is the only sure way I can avoid that misfortune from happening with me. What's worse is that I know that I'm being really unreasonable and unrealistic when I think of such things happening with me, but I still can't seem to shake off that fear.

Together

After I revealed all of this to my mom, she was surprised at first because I don't really share my problems with many people, not even my family because talking openly with our hearts didn't really used to be practiced that much in my home, but that fortunately seems to be changing these days.

Just right after I told her about my fear, I started tearing up and she held me close and told me that I never have to worry about being alone. She said, "If you ever feel lonely or feel like there's no one to help you, just remember that you have a mother who will do whatever it takes in this world to keep her kids safe and happy."

I couldn't hold my tears and started crying. I could sense that she was about to cry too to see her son this way but knew that she had to stay strong because one of us had to, and also to give me reassurance and consolation.

I know I talk about self-improvement and mental health a lot on my blog, and this is exactly the reason why. I've been this scared and anxious a lot of times before and I don't want people to feel the same way. In some weird way, I feel like by helping them, I am helping myself too, and that's enough for me.

Uncertainty

A bad quality of mine is that I'm indecisive and I'm not usually able to take quick decisions whenever required. This is what gives power to my fear. I hate not knowing what I'm supposed to have known already because then it reminds me how far past I really am from being secure.

Even though it's a good thing to know about what you should've known by now, it's also what builds up anxiety and feelings of restlessness because it makes you realize how unpredictable the future can be and probably will be and how you can't really do much to change it, at least for now.

I think I've told this to you guys before on my blog that I hate being asked what I want to do with my life, because frankly, I have absolutely no fucking idea. I do know that I have interests, a lot of them, but I don't know which interest deserves more time or offers more success. I haven't been able to set my priorities yet.

Funny enough, the fact that I have too many interests is what's making it worse and harder to choose. If I pick one and stick to it till the end, I think about the life I could've had if I had chosen a different interest.

Like my brother says, maybe I'm being too hard on myself and yeah, maybe I do need to take it easy and let things fall into place instead of trying to mold everything in the way I want.

I need to teach myself how to be okay with not knowing what's going to happen and how I don't always need to make a choice if I don't really need to at the time.

I don't know where life is going to take me next or which road I'll be heading, but whenever and whichever one I choose, I hope I choose wisely.

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@ayushjalan

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