I often go on long walks alone. I’m looking for something. Of course I would be lying if I said still don’t think of her. As if I still don’t dream that maybe just maybe… my dreams are just dreams though. There are no delusions. I look back fondly on my memories. A sunny day spent on top of a hill overlooking the city. I spent it with her. She looked so beautiful that day, just like she always does. But I’m trying to move on. I know I have to.

I repeat to myself daily “Eyes that do not see. Heart that does not feel.”

It is my mantra. I don’t know whether or not this mantra is truthful. It could take months and months and months or even years upon years for this heart to not feel. My eyes do not see her, but she is crystal clear in my mind’s eye. One day perhaps I will feel the same way for another, and who knows? They may feel the same back. But for now I feel like I could love no other.

…

I always find that in dreams I know the meaning and purpose behind what I am doing, but when I awake the meaning and purpose is gone.

There was music playing. I woke up on a mattress on the floor. I felt a little groggy. I could hear the voices of two of my friends. She was with them. I rolled over with the blanket tightly wrapped around me as I got up. As I rolled I knocked over a can of beer which I had placed beside the bed before I had slept. Seeing the beer brought back memories. I had returned from a night of festivities to find a friend in the kitchen. He gave me beers and we began to drink. I wondered how many I had drunk. I did not want to deal with the spilt beer and so decided to leave it until the daylight morning. It was the early hours of the night morning still and so I decided to rejoin the party and care about cleaning up after. I got up and grabbed a beer on the side counter. I was feeling dry, probably from drinking alcohol. I tasted the beer and it quenched my thirst. It brought me back to life. Then something struck me. I had felt the covers as I lay in the bed. I had felt and heard the beer can as it fell and watched as the spill spread. I had remembered meeting my friend in the kitchen downstairs. I had tasted the beer. There was music playing. I could hear my friends having a conversation on the other side of the room. She was there as well. But where was I? I began to frantically look around the room. I looked at a white wall, and then looked away, and then looked back hoping it would have changed ever so slightly. The room stayed the same as did my friends. I did not recognise where I was. I walked over to my friends and her.

“Maybe I’m very very drunk, but I think this might be a dream” I told them.

They acknowledged what I said but didn’t think much of it and then got back to their conversation. I stumbled through the door hoping to find answers. I came out into a wide corridor similar to what you would find in a hospital. The doors in corridor were all wooden doors with metal handles. I closed the door behind as I walked out fully into the corridor. The sound of my friends and her talking disappeared as did the sound of the music playing as I closed the door. Where am I? A nurse came through some double doors down the corridor. I could hear her heels click as she walked. I turned away from her, and then looked back a few seconds later. She was further down the hall, where she should be if she kept to her pace. This couldn’t be real. I walked down the corridor a bit, confused and disorientated. I thought that maybe I was just really drunk. None of this made sense. I didn’t want to get lost so I ran back to the room. I opened the door and the room was as it was before. Nothing had changed. The music was still playing. My two friends were talking. She was standing next to the hi-fi system doing something. She saw me enter the room and walked over to me and we talked.

“You can…” she told me something very special.

And as we kissed I woke up.

…

How mad I was. I was without reason. I couldn’t sleep until I wrote that [deleted].
And then there was that night in the old abandoned warehouse.
[Deleted]

Narrator: I remember there being more text here.
That monster is erasing time!
(By himself of course).
I can’t remember what he did.
No surprise there.

I know you will never read this. You don’t like reading books; especially the type that I write. Fiction is despicable.

There were so many words I couldn’t say, and I know in my heart the same is true for you. But life is just a waking dream. We float through not realising what we had until it passes us by. Now I spend my days walking alone, looking up at the sky. I’m looking for something. But deep deep down I know it is something I have already found. I can’t let go. Not yet… I’m long for the past; a dream gone by. The heartbreaks live on in this dreamscape. There is no escape.

Narrator: Here the Dreamer resorts to countless lies to maintain his dreamscape; even going as far as to delete large chunks of text to convince himself how mad he isn’t.
Or perhaps these events never took place.
When the present turns to past does it even matter anymore?
How many precious memories do you have which are now meaningless in the present moment?
What changed?
Or are you still lost in the memory?

Words we couldn’t say

Words we couldn’t say
Feelings we couldn’t express
Small conversation hiding so much
I wanted to say
“I’m undeniably attracted to you
I see in your eyes you feel the same way”
The tension was high
I bit my hand when we said goodbye
And then I wrote this
Words I couldn’t say…

Narrator: Are there words people cannot say?

Thinking about You

I tried to distract myself
I stopped talking
And I went for a very long walk
It didn’t work
I couldn’t stop thinking about you
You were always there

Narrator: The Dreamer cannot escape from the dreamscapes and heartbreaks.

Dreamscapes and Heartbreaks

When I see your eyes
When I see you smile
That’s when I awake
From these dreamscapes
And heartbreaks
Looking out towards the water
Always ready to jump
Then dreams woke up
And sun down went
I’ll see you tomorrow
Until the day that I’m spent
It was just an illusion
Causing me confusion
And I’m sorry
For coming to the wrong conclusion
But I cannot escape
From these dreamscapes and heartbreaks

Narrator: And now the Dreamer is lost…

To be continued...

@RiskDebonair
Irish Writer, Poet, & Lover

Previously

Dream 7
Dream 6
Dream 589
Dream 5
Dream 4
Dream 3
Dream 2
Dream 1
The Dream Before the First Dream