Dreamscapes & Heartbreaks: Dream 6

riskdebonair (67)in #fiction • 8 years ago (edited)

I have a tumour growing inside my heart.

More months passed and past…. I tried to paper over; cover it up. But eventually I had to face the truth of what was growing inside of me. It was a truth I could no longer deny. It was something I felt so strongly that it manifested itself. I now see stars on the ground beneath my feet. Broken glass reflects their lights upwards. The broken glass was from the mirror it had smashed through. That she had smashed through...

I was in the countryside at an old house of mine. There was that feeling with me. It’s a numbness of the heart. My heart is racing even now as I type this, or at least dream to type this. My heart has been beating fast under the influence of no drugs. It is just her squeezing my heart, making me feel, making me hurt, making me want to live because I now feel more alive in both dreams.

I look around and I laugh and I cry as I say to myself “How can things be so perfect when I feel this way?”

Up until now has just been a prelude to the chaos that was about to erupt. As the dam filled to capacity and beyond I tried to paper over. Paper strips trying to hold together a dam. I was damned fool. But now I see her.

I was in the countryside at an old house of mine. My heart was racing. I was moving about outside trying to find something; anything to take my mind off of this feeling. From over the large hill a tall man wearing all black apart from a white shirt appeared. His skin was pale just like mine. He seemed to have no hair. He wore a hat to cover his face. I don’t remember what he looks like or more so I was too afraid to look. His tallness looked unnatural, like some sort of demon trying to pass as human. I tried to run, but this was his domain. I knew escape would be futile. There was someone else there. I can’t remember who. I was trying to distract myself with them before the tall man arrived. I ran inside. He caught me with his magnetic grip. He took out a large jar. The jar was big enough for a brain. He wanted to extract my brain. To pick it up, disconnect it from the body and place it in a jar. I searched around desperately trying to find a way out of this situation.

“I have another brain. I’ll give it to you!” I pleaded.

His grip faded and I was allowed to run into the garage of the house. I knew it was a dream or at least a changeable world. I tried to imagine a brain in a jar sitting on a shelf in the garage. But there was nothing there. Like a mime I pretended to pick it up, and I carried it back outside. He was waiting for me. I had hoped that when I got outside there would be something in my hand. I was still holding it as if there was, but my hands were empty. Out of fear and hope I carefully mimed/believed that I was unscrewing the lid to the jar. My hands twisted as I watched myself carefully open it. My heart was still racing, still feeling numb, yet also alive and full of vigour. I placed one hand into the imaginary jar still hoping that it would become real and that the tall man would not reject it. The person who was there with us (who I do not remember) held the jar as I used both hands to take out the imaginary brain of mine. I placed nothing into the tall man’s brain jar. He was satisfied and then walked off.
What did I give him? Was it something not real? Or just something I couldn’t see? Perhaps it was a demon coming to reclaim something which he had supplanted within me. Yet I know he wanted my brain. But he got nothing.
And I? What did I get?

I saw two lovers kissing. Her and someone else. I was happy for them. Yet my heart still raced and felt numb but alive and it stung and it physically hurt. I had to leave.

…

I walked for some time. I often walk these days. Nowhere and everywhere are my destinations. As the neon glow from the night lights of the city shone down on the ground I saw stars once more; broken glass glittering upwards. It is a shiny reminder of the reality of feeling.

I watched a film about a man who is dreaming but doesn’t realise he is dreaming. There was some reality in the film but most of it was a dream. In the dream the man often dreams. He is unsure what is real and what is not. His real world is marked by rain whereas the dream world is marked by sunshine.

I found myself walking up and down her street. It was sunny. There were only a few people on the street and very little traffic passing by. As I got to one end I began to walk back up towards the direction of her house. I saw a small black cat. I knew it wasn’t her. This cat looked much smaller as if it had only come into this world. As I approached, it slowly moved away from me, every so often looking back out of curiosity. It seemed somewhat afraid and somewhat shy. I changed the way I walked in attempt to not frighten it as I approached. It slowly moved away but also slowly got closer. I was now outside her house. The small black cat was only metres in front of me. I crouched down onto my knees. An old lady watched me from across the street but I didn’t care. I began to rub my fingers together with my arm extended outwards as I made cat noises. I made sure to avoid eye contact with the small black cat for fear of scaring it off. It began to approach me; strafing and weaving with its tail in the air. This wasn’t her in cat form. It was a young male cat, immature and new to the world. I stroked him, rubbing his soft fur. And then I let him leave as I entered into her house which was for whatever reason my house. As I entered in through the main corridor I turned around to see the door I came through was gone. Instead there was only a smashed door which led out through the side of the house. I inspected the door but it did not faze me. For whatever reason, it just didn’t matter. But the small black cat… who is he? Am I a small black cat?

I woke up. It was a dream of course. I checked my heart. It was still racing, beating faster than normal. Getting back to sleep would be difficult for such a heart. I could have no distractions. So I got up to go to the bathroom.

“MEOW” “MEOW” “MEOW”

I thought I was dreaming, or maybe I was. Maybe I am. I did not, could not believe the sounds. I opened the back door into the alleyway and I saw exactly what I imagined to be there. It was the same black cat that has haunted me in this waking dream world. The form she took in the dream world. It has been months, and out of nowhere it returned. Of course as I opened the door this black cat turned and walked away from me. An open door can lead to infinity, and that is a scary thing for many.

I went back to bed. I then got up many times. But each time I woke up back in bed. Different people populated my house, and briefly for one sweet second it was her. I had to see her. I wanted to see her, but I knew I shouldn’t. Then my laptop which I write this on started to make strange noises. It beeped and it bopped. I was lying in bed still dreaming, but I had to get up. I did not remember leaving my laptop on. I checked and it was unplugged. There was no light emanating from the speakers to show that they were receiving power. Perhaps the laptop had failed to shut down properly and had been in some sort of stasis. It was now on. There was a message. I stared at it, trying to make sense of it. But it made no sense to me. Cryptic symbols and colours covered the screen obscuring what was on it. Black, green, red, purple blue; symbols and shapes I couldn’t understand.

I laugh a lot these days, but I also cry a lot. Strangely I feel better than I have ever. I didn’t believe in love. I used to not believe in love… but I have to shake this static. My heart is racing. It is pulling me somewhere fast. And I have no idea where I will end up. I now feel alive, in this world, and the other…

Narrator: The Dreamer is clearly getting high off of love.
Secretly he knows that this is a prelude to chaos.
The demon has taken his imaginary brain and still he clings to the hope of a world of infinite.
What hope are you clinging to?

Racing Hearts

It always brings a smile to my soul when I see you
My mood elevates
As does my heart rate
It races
Being present with you is my idea of contentment
Your presence always lives inside my heart
But to see you smile
It brings a smile to my soul

As I look into your eyes
My heart begins to race
I find myself stepping back
Keeping my distance
Because if I get too close
Gravity will bring my lips to yours
I can’t hold back and so I run away
My racing heart
My racing mind
My racing soul

I can’t bear to be without you
Yet I can hardly bear standing next to you
It’s somewhat paradoxical
My crazy love for you
You incite calm contentment in my soul
By exciting a pure passion I can’t control
And so my soul races
And so my mind races
And so my heart races
Thinking of you

And I’ll keep running from you
Until I’ve circumvented the globe
See you at the finish line…

Narrator: A racing heart is a symptom.
The idea of running away from something to get closer to it is an example of the madness from a brain suffering from love.

What’s wrong with me?

You’re with another person
And it makes me cry
To see you happy with someone
Makes me so sad
What’s wrong with me?

Narrator: Perhaps a demon has got a hold of the Dreamer’s brain…

What Lies Beneath

What lies beneath my flesh
Is something that I keep hidden
Beyond this bone and blood mesh
Is something kept forbidden

From my smile to my eyes
I keep it hidden deep beneath
Wearing my face as my disguise
My outer husk is nothing but a sheath

Deep down the bottom of a well
In a deep dark place that nobody knows
Deep down inside my empty shell
In a deep dark place that nobody goes

Deep deep down lives an intelligence
It is driven by arrogance, vengeance, and excellence
It has what it takes to take what it wants
I cannot let go and forever it haunts

Deep down the bottom of a well
In a deep dark place that nobody knows
Deep down inside my empty shell
In a deep dark place that nobody goes

Deep deep down underground
In deep dark tunnels where there is no sound
Deep deep down beneath the darkest night
A deep dark place where there is no light

Deep deep down beneath my skin
Buried deeper than any treasure
Lives the thing which is my sin
Wanting more and more
Never satisfied it craves for pleasure

What lies beneath does not care
What lies beneath does not feel
What lies beneath is very real

Deep down the bottom of a well
In a deep dark place that nobody knows
Deep down inside my empty shell
In a deep dark place that nobody goes
...lives a demon

Narrator: …