6 Majors Way More Worthless Than Your English Degree (Comedy Open Mic Round # 28)steemCreated with Sketch.

in comedyopenmic •  4 months ago

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So you’re on Steemit, eh? Sorry to hear; I have a worthless degree in Creative Writing too. Oh, yours is in Art? Yeah I figured those drawings were too good for you to be self-taught. How many years left on your loans do you have? Yikes, that’s more than me. What’s the price of Steem these days? Dang, I wish I had majored in Mathematics so I could figure out when I’d finally be out from under this mountain of debt. But boy does that diploma look sweet.

Well, don’t despair, at least we’re able to leverage our skills into $0.49 payouts! Sure we can’t get a real job, but there’s always creativity on the blockchain to put food in our bellies. And it could be so much worse. We could have made some seriously stupid choices when it came to our majors in college. Choices like...

1) Popular Culture

Let’s be honest: you watch way too much TV. You read far too many young adult novels. You listen to a gratuitous amount of Top 40 hits. What if there was a way for you to focus all this pointless consumerism into an actual college degree? Well lucky for you, Bowling Green University will let you major in laziness Popular Culture.

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Still living in your mom’s basement? Perfect! This degree was tailor made for you. No need to even show up to class. Your term paper can be that Reddit flame war you won about whether DC or Marvel was better. Submit your Netflix history in lieu of a final exam. And under no circumstances may you ever remove your earbuds. You’ve got an entire decade of music to listen to each semester.

Just make sure you have strongly held opinions about the most subjective areas and meaningless issues in our society and you will be on your way to an A. Creating content is for suckers – you’re earning a degree in consumption, baby!

2) Nautical Archaeology

There is a reason gratuitous drug use is frowned upon at the highest levels of academia. When the dean of a university gets absolutely cocked on a blend of PCP and crystal meth and then logs in to their academic database, they go and create something absolutely insane. This is apparently what happened at Texas A&M. After a night spent binge watching Indiana Jones accompanied by enough Schedule 1 narcotics to kill a football team, some administrator decided that he too wanted to learn how to be Indiana Jones… under water!

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Too embarrassed to correct his mistake, the major stands today. Future Harrison Ford’s can channel their inner Aquaman as they spend four years earning a degree in Nautical Archaeology. There’s a Lost City of Atlantis joke in here somewhere but I can’t find it -- and neither will they. Zing!

One part treasure hunter, one part SCUBA diver, one hundred percent unemployable. Hopefully you thoroughly enjoyed your time at school, because as far as I can tell, the only job available to the graduates is … teaching Nautical Archaeology. It’s like a closed loop Adventure League!

3) Canadian Studies

I am all for the study of other cultures. Despite my urges to do so, I did not put “Chinese Studies” on the list, because they’re probably going to be the downfall of the United States and I want as many people to figure out their secrets as possible before World War 3 breaks out. I also didn’t even put “Egyptology” on the list, because pyramids. And mummies. We can only make so many movies about Greek mythology before we scrape the bottom of that barrel and need to turn to Norse or (shudder) Roman. Having Egypt as a safe backup will ensure I will always have something to watch at the movies.

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But I do need to draw the line somewhere. Some countries just don’t deserve their own major. So as for me, I draw the line at Canada. Yes, friends, you too can spend the equivalent of a nicely equipped BMW to attend Duke University and get a degree in Canadian Studies.

Presumably, the course load includes such exciting and enlightening classes such as: Apologizing 101, Maple Syrup 201, Running an Equestrian Only Police Force 203, and Hockey 301, 302, 401, and 402. And 501 and 502. It would mostly be a degree in hockey.

4) Astrobiology

Some people out there want to major in a worthless degree, but they don’t want anyone to think they slacked off through college. Because let’s be honest: most of these degrees can probably be earned while maintaining a 0.12 blood alcohol content for the duration of your undergraduate studies. Heck, I’m pretty sure to get a theater or a journalism major, a certain level of inebriation is actually a requirement.


By Sand~commonswiki (Public domain), from Wikimedia Commons

For those over-achieving types who still want a degree as worthless as the study of America’s Hat but with the butt-clenching difficulty of the hard sciences, Penn State offers a degree in Astrobiology. It’s not rocket science and it’s not brain surgery. It’s a little bit of both. Why spend time learning about all the dead things in space or the live things on Earth when you can dump tens of thousands of dollars into studying all the life out in space!?

When you emerge with your crushing mountain of student debt but have a STEM degree in hand, you’re guaranteed to land a job with Will Smith as he flies off to disable the alien mothership.

5) Bagpiping

College is generally a place that people go to find themselves. I know I changed my major after I started. I think most people probably also did too. It’s just too hard to expect an 18 year old to know exactly what they want to do, so thankfully there are all kinds of broad degrees that prepare you to go into any number of fields. Biology opens the entire world of medicine. Computer Science allows entry into the vast realm of IT. Psychology makes available the exciting world of drug dealing. I am all for broad degrees.

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But some people actually do have it all figured out. They know they want to be Tommy Lee Jones from Men In Black, and they go to Penn State. So for the aspiring young future bagpiper, Carnegie Mellon is waiting with open arms. That’s right – you can spend enough money to buy 70,000 McDonalds cheeseburgers annually for four years and walk away as the proud recipient of a degree in Bagpiping.

After that, the possibilities are endless. You could become a motivational speaker and earn a living helping other people avoid similar tragic life mistakes. You could sell your story to Hollywood and sob into a bowl of haggis as Seth Rogen makes a mockery out of your life. You could never look your friends or family in the eyes ever again. The sky is the limit!

6) Puppet Arts

So you want to creep everyone out with your major, eh? Well, you could go the route of the Incel guy who majors in Women’s Studies. Or maybe the white nationalist who majors in African American Studies. And hey, there’s always gynecology for you perverts out there. But you want to be more original than that. Or you’re a woman and admitting you were a gynecologist wouldn’t shut down a first date. Or maybe you finally decided to embrace your inner pedophile. You need something creepier.

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Enter Puppet Arts, offered at the University of Connecticut. Earth is only allowed one endearing ventriloquist at a time, so until Jeff Dunham kicks the bucket, you’re guaranteed to make everyone around you uncomfortable. Good luck getting a job at PBS – this degree comes with instant registration as a sex offender. You might as well skip the degree and use the money on an old panel van and a year’s supply of candy instead.

Maybe it’s the hands up the backsides. Maybe it’s the childhood innocence and whimsy that is shattered when we see a behind-the-scenes photo of the set of Sesame Street. Or maybe it’s just that you’re an adult and none of us get to play with toys at our jobs so why should you. But whatever it is, if you do go to school for this, never admit it to anyone.

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This was my entry for Round 28 of the Comedy Open Mic contest. I nominate @quillfire again because I am still waiting on those funny soldier stories that I know you have, and I figure you can use a break from the heavier stuff you've been into lately. I also nominate @whatsup, because you're already pretty funny so this should be no sweat for you :D

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@DollarsAndSense is a father, veteran, participant in the rat race, freelance writer, and volunteer EMT. He also tries to be funny sometimes. Want to read some of my previous comedy entries?

Unless otherwise noted, all text and pictures in this post are my own and may not be reused without my permission.
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you're a fcuking genius.....we will now knight you Professor D&S

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PhD in Being Special, tenured position for life!

Oh please. These are the most important courses you'll ever take.

  1. Popular Culture: for all the aliens among us to learn how we operate as a society - a) to properly fit in, and b) to take over more easily.
  2. Nautical Archaeology: To find out if any alien ships crashed for us to examine, and to know what we're up against if we must flee underseas when the aliens take over.
  3. Canadian Studies: I could make a joke about the Canadians actually being aliens, but this comment has far too serious repercussions for such a thing. No, the Canadians are actually in league with the aliens, we may all be sent there when the aliens take over and assign the Canadians as our overlords. I might think that the Canadians were the only ones able to defend themselves, but come on, they're Canadians! also, I've intercepted multiple communications between them and the mother ship
  4. Astrobiology:

    Duh

  5. Bagpiping: either to distract our new alien masters or to entertain them.
  6. Puppet Arts: yeah, that one's just for those weird, completely insane people among us. Wait a second... I'm weird and completely insane. How do I sign up?
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This is golden, man! 😂 Spin this off into a full blown post as a rebuttal entry! 😁

I ended up with a French Degree. I've found that a French degree ranks among the most useless degrees one can have.

The reason I have a French Degree is quite amusing.

I was lucky. Somehow I aced the PSAT and SAT and got a full scholarship to the school of my choice. I went to an expensive school.

Reagan changed the scholarship program so that it was means tested. My father's employer went bankrupt in my sophomore year. They paid off his pension at half value and gave him severance pay. This brought his income to $102,000.

Because my father lost his job, I was means tested out of my scholarship.

I borrowed to pay for my junior year and even got through the first half of my senior year, but I couldn't pay for that last quarter.

I believe that everyone should learn another language. During college I took a French class each quarter.

I later enrolled at the University of Utah. The U transferred my math and science classes as lower division credits. They transferred my language classes as upper division credits.

The math department said I could join their Masters program if I had any undergraduate degree.

This is the funny part: I went to the language department. The people in the language department noticed that I had completed most of the upper division classes for a degree but had no lower division classes; So, they told me that if I took two years of Spanish I could get a French degree.

Who can pass up an opportunity like that? So, I took two years of Spanish and got a French degree.

Voila.

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🤦‍♂️ that is incredible. Truth is stranger than fiction. Bureaucracy for the win!

So what did you go on to do after you (presumably) got a graduate degree in math?

This was great!

I think the best thing about college is networking as that's how most people get their jobs - via people they know.

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Yeah, best thing you can do is get an internship or two while you’re in school, in my opinion. You’ll build up practical skills and network at the same time. I also went to Drexel, they have a very formalized internship program that I think does it right.

For what its worth, I'm totally up for learning about alien dicks.

haha very funny!!
Glad that you noticed my worthless art degree lol

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Shamming is for everyone 😉👉

Hi dollarsandsense,

This post has been upvoted by the Curie community curation project and associated vote trail as exceptional content (human curated and reviewed). Have a great day :)

Visit curiesteem.com or join the Curie Discord community to learn more.

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Thank you very much Curie! Always a great day when you all stop by 😄

pocketsend:11@dollarsandsense, play around with the token of fun - POCKET!

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Successful Send of 11
Sending Account: pode
Receiving Account: dollarsandsense
New sending account balance: 116964
New receiving account balance: 10
Fee: 1
Steem trxid: 828ad9f7deb06df1796896b1c8a33d4acd874027
Thanks for using POCKET! I am running this confirmer code.

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Successful Send of 11
Sending Account: pode
Receiving Account: dollarsandsense
New sending account balance: 116964
New receiving account balance: 10
Fee: 1
Steem trxid: 828ad9f7deb06df1796896b1c8a33d4acd874027


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Someone sent you some POCKET tokens. POCKET is an experimental sub-token system which operates on the Steem blockchain. It's like having a custom token without SMT. You can also send some to someone else by just commenting on a post with the following command: pocketsend:number_of_token@recipient_name,memo for example to send 10 tokens to @pocketjs, make a comment starting with: pocketsend:10@pocketjs,This is a gift

I am running Pocket-JS confirmer code.

i lost it at Canadian Studies and bagpiping xD

Hey, some of these degrees sound pretty good! I wonder if I could mix Astrobiology with Nautical Archaeology and study the underwater ancient alien crash sites?

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Great idea! You do that and I will learn how to make a dancing bagpipe 😂

Well, I'm Canadian and lucky for you that you didn't say anything bad about India or Rwanda.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as a threat. We ran out of syrup and my blood sugar's low. I also got nailed against the boards and took a bit of a brain injury.

Anyhow, take care, eh.

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Brilliant! 😂

Nice article. Am still trying to figure out how you came up with all these

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I Googled “most worthless college majors” and went from there 😉

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When I tell people that goggle knows all, they still doubt me

Most creative writing majors I’ve come across all think they are so brilliant, but then whenever they start doing any real writing, they never actually get around to

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😅 I see what you did there

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I always find it marginally helpful to pop out a really hack comment when I’m faced with a blow to my ego in the form of a writer who is more eloquent and exponentially funnier than me.

I see myself plopping out a Keyboard Cat meme on one of your posts in the near future...

howdy sir dollarsandsense! haha! man you nailed this one brilliantly with sarcasm and witt, loved it. And these are all actual courses or degrees right? lol. insane. great job sir!

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Thank you, sir! Yep, every single one is real. I don’t think the Canada Studies is a full blown major, but it is a subspecialty of a PhD that one school offers.

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howdy sir dollarsandsense! oh I see..well the Canadian studies would be interesting to take but how would that help anyone? lol it's retarded.

Dude this is flipp'n awesome. You got me just from the diploma and the BUTTons. It's a wonder janton hasn't found it you said texas.... Texas A&M is pretty funny in it's self, they used to have a hotline for aggie jokes. It's sad when your whole state makes fun of your college...
Congrats on the curie, how many have you had? (curies not drinks...)
You could actually get lunch and a Starbucks from the payout on this post..

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Yes!!! You found the Easter Egg! Well done 😄

I think this is my 4th big one. Someone over there likes what I’m doing 🙂

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Are you telling me that no one else saw those?
That's pretty awesome, at 30 a pop, it adds up.

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You're the only one that mentioned it!

It's incredibly motivating, that's for sure. I've never gotten this kind of feedback on my writing before, even back when I was freelancing.

And yeah, my account has grown by leaps and bounds, which is exciting. I am hoping to be able to give back to a new wave of talent once my vote is worth something.

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I'm sure you will give back, it seems to be in your blood. after all you're special, your degree even says so. You even get to ride in the special busses with lights on them... (bambulances...)

Where do I sign up? This course was made for me.

  1. Popular Culture
    Let’s be honest: you watch way too much TV. You read far too many young adult novels. You listen to a gratuitous amount of Top 40 hits. What if there was a way for you to focus all this pointless consumerism into an actual college degree?

Also you left out a vital course from your list. In my country there is a course on jam making. Pretty much everybody puts it down on there college list as a joke. We work off a points system here with the max being 600 points in your final school exams. Jam making is 80 points and the lowest college entry course there is. It's only years later that we all found out that its "door jam making", and its a woodwork course not actually making jam. Sad.

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Haha that’s fantastic!

We used to have a joke about getting a degree in “underwater basket weaving”, but that’s not actually offered anywhere.

Jam making, hah! All you need to know I’m sure you could learn in a 30 minute YouTube video 😅

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I'm sure somebody has taken the course at some stage as it's still going on. I'd love to meet them and see what they actually did. Wouldn't mind learning how to make jam either. Could always come in handy at some stage.

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Some of these majors are just crazy!!! Who wants to go to college to study bagpiping for four years? Or even puppet arts? The puppet shows you are gonna run after graduating is gonna be out of this wold. lol

The classes in that Canadian studies are just funny! Maple Syrup 201... What are they gonna teach them there? And that Apologizing 101. And a bunch of hockey classes, are they teaching them a different hockey technique in each "hockey class"? Is that all Canada is about. Hahahahah!

That "lazy" culture and bagpiping is gonna be fun (If I don't have to pay) to "study", if we can call it that. People that studied these courses need to be refunded their money. The English degree isn't all that worthless afterall.

It was quite a hilarious post! I did enjoy reading through it..

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Glad to hear! 😁 it’s amazing to think that some people are paying full tuition for some of these degrees.... or their parents are paying! There’s following you dreams and all, but you gotta draw the line somewhere! 😅

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Some dreams or passion doesn't need a degree! lol. Just imagine going to study "comedy" in college so you can be a comedian (wait, is there a course like that?).

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Hmm, I did see video game design, but not comedy! I guess “Drama” comes somewhat close, if you figure “comedy and tragedy” are the two kinds of dramas 😆

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Oh yeah, it falls under drama, I didn't think of that. Video game design isn't too absurd...

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Not at all, I actually considered it!

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Oh you did? You should have given it a shot!!

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Maybe I can write for a video game. Dialogue or story or lore? Best of both worlds!

Jeff Dunham!? JEFF DUNHAM!?

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Man I'd love me some Canadian studies, only fair since they be so inviting. 😊 Meanwhile I have reasons to believe that profane guy is not Canadian. So ruude

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Hahaha, it’s like poutine: an acquired taste

This is really funny @dollarsandsense 🤣🤣🤣 I was already laughing at your first paragraph - woops, sounds like me haha - , you really strike the chord. Thank you for the laughter :D But it is quite amazing that universities do offer such major isn't it?

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It really is! And in the case of Carnegie Mellon, they’re super proud of it too judging by the webpage. “A Proud Tradition” 😂

Glad you liked it 🙂

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Oh wow.. I see what you mean. They are!

Besides being one of only two schools in the U.S. to offer a 4-year degree in the art of Bagpipe Performance,...

There is another school offering the same degree! 😂

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Hah! I didn’t see that! That’s insane 😅

Definitely hits the mark on these commentary. Astrobiology exists and it's the first I'm learning about it (googled it after reading it here). LoL a lot of what you said I can agree on and it makes a lot of sense to question why bother?

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It’s never to expensive to follow your dreams for some people I suppose 😂

Hi dollarsandsense,

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Thank you, Akpan! Much appreciated!