5 Things Way More Awesome Than the Crappy People They’re Named After

The best way to leave your mark on the world is to get something named after you, right? That’s what they were teaching in Sunday School if I recall my childhood weekends correctly. Or maybe I'm getting that memory confused with Saturday morning cartoons… Regardless, getting something named after you is an achievement only the very best of us can hope for. Since Abraham Lincoln stole “freeing the slaves” and managed to get his name slathered over approximately 75% of the schools in America, you’ll have to find something equally impressive to immortalize your name.

Wikipedia Commons
Pictured: Impressive

Well as it turns out, if you really want something named after you, having a kid is pretty much good enough – just apply a little copy-paste action to the young buck’s birth certificate and voila, instant legacy. You want to aim bigger than that, you say? Well, you’re in luck. As it turns out, you don’t need to be any kind of special to get your name plastered on a big hunk of concrete or metal. To prove my point, I present to you:

5) New York City

Why It’s Awesome

Everyone has heard of New York City. Well, I mean, everyone has heard of herpes too and that’s not awesome, so… New York City is the largest city in the USA. That means it’s the best, right? Either way, it was the 8th most visited city by tourists in 2017, so if it’s not awesome it’s doing a great job of fooling everyone into thinking it is. In addition to being the financial capital of the world, New York City also hosts the United Nations, the Yankees, and a Fire Department that puts out the sexiest calendar you can find.

Cleanest air this side of the Atlantic

Whether it’s a Broadway musical, the Statue of Liberty, or a $9 cup of coffee, you’ll find it all in New York City. The city so nice they named it twice. Even Jay Z and Alicia Keys love New York, and celebrities don’t like anything anymore. If you’re not convinced, just take a trip and see for yourself. After you get lost, mugged, and stabbed, you’ll be delighted to sit through an hour of traffic in a taxi cab as you pay $40 to go three blocks to get to the nearest emergency room.

Why the Dude it’s Named After Sucks

“Oh wait just a minute,” you say. “Isn’t New York named after Old York? Or Olde York? Or just plain York?” Well good friend I am here to tell you that it is not. According to the 15 seconds I spent looking this up on Wikipedia, New York was named after the Duke of York. The man at the time of naming happened to be a man called James. ("New James" sounded worse, I guess, so they went with his title. The 1600’s were a weird time.) Now our boy James would go on to be the flipping king of England after he quit screwing around as a lowly little duke. Pretty impressive, right? Definitely worth having a city named after you, right?

Wikipedia Commons
Pictured: Not Impressive

Nope. In spite of his sweet gang sign, James managed to single-handedly screw up his time as king so badly that he was invaded by an army hired by his own citizens. Never one to back down from a fight, he held on to the throne for decades of war. Just kidding, he promptly fled the country and lost his crown a mere three years into his lifetime term. After he was gone, he had freaked the country out so badly that they passed one of the first Bill of Rights in order to protect themselves from the next knucklehead to sit on the throne.

4) The Eiffel Tower

Why It’s Awesome

When the Eiffel Tower was first built in 1889, it was the tallest man-made structure in the world at 1,063 feet. While the rest of the world was busy making the most of the industrial revolution, France apparently decided to just build a giant paperweight.

Source: Creative Commons
Pictured: Still Kinda Tall

It held the top spot for 41 years until it was one-upped by the Chrysler Building in the United States. But unlike its replacement on the list, the Eiffel Tower would go on to remain a fixture in the world's eyes to this very day. I’m sure a few people visit New York City every year to see the Chrysler Building, but millions of people still flock to Paris each year to see the Eiffel Tower. And I doubt anyone is proposing in the lobby of a stinky old building.

Why the Dude it’s Named After Sucks

France used to have some pretty crazy times before they went all lame and pathetic and traded being good at war for being good at complaining. And soccer. Surely the Eiffel Tower must have been named after a great general, or a powerful ruler, or maybe even some sort of prominent scientist or thinker, right? Nope, the Eiffel Tower is named after the man who owned the company that designed it. That would be like if the Chrysler Building were named after the architecture firm that actually drew up the plans instead of a company which made such terrible cars that the United States had bail them out. Twice. But this is about Mr. Eiffel, not crappy cars. Well, what else did Mr. Eiffel design? Surely an equally majestic cathedral or building.

Source: Creative Commons
Pictured: Literally the Eiffel Bridge

Nope, it looks like Mr. Eiffel peaked with his namesake tower and rode that association to fame for the rest of his life. Alright, alright history buffs. He also built the Statue of Liberty. But come on. Making one big hunk of metal doesn't entitle you to slap your name on the next one, does it?

Source: Creative Commons
Picture Unrelated

3) The Ford class Aircraft Carrier

Why It’s Awesome

America is a country known for two things: the grandeur of its citizen's waistlines and the obesity of its military budget. Perhaps because its sailors were getting too fat to fit on a normal sized aircraft carrier, the Pentagon went and paid over $50 billion to build an even bigger carrier than the one they already had. Thanks to technology like Facebook and the blockchain, The Ford class requires hundreds of fewer seamen to operate than the older Nimitz class carrier it replaces.

Source: Creative Commons
Pictured: Definitely Awesome

In case anyone was worried that the USA didn’t definitely have the sweetest weapons of war imaginable, the Ford class carrier comes equipped with novelties like an electromagnetic aircraft launching system, stealth technology, and an even more powerful nuclear reactor. With a boat this big, no one is hurting the feelings of the United States and getting away with it ever again.

Why the Dude it’s Named After Sucks

There are so many Ford’s to choose from, who could it be? The honor goes to former President Gerald Ford, a veteran of the Navy. With a flippin' sweet aircraft carrier named after him, Ford must be right up there with Washington and Lincoln as one of the all-time greatest presidents in U.S. history, right? Well, not exactly. Actually, not even close. Ole Fordey-boy holds the dubious honor of never actually being elected to be the president. He took over when Nixon resigned, but couldn’t manage to get re-elected (or, first-time-elected) when his substitute teacher term ended.

Source: Wikipedia Commons
Became president with even less of the popular vote than Trump

"But come on," you say," surely he must have been able to accomplish something of note, right?" Well, if you consider ending the Vietnam war an accomplishment, then there you go. Glorious defeat deserves a glorious aircraft carrier. How about pardoning Nixon? I’m sure if someone had asked our boy Richard if Ford should have the honor of getting the biggest warship of all time named after him, he would have agreed. No, Ford comes up woefully short of accomplishments while in office and goes down in history firmly in the bottom half of the presidential rankings list.

2) The Bradley Fighting Vehicle

Why It’s Awesome

Tanks are all well and good, but they don’t carry soldiers very well. Aside from the crew of 4, there isn’t much room for a squad of infantry. Enter the Bradley Fighting Vehicle. In addition to the cannon, missiles, and machine gun on top, the belly of this monster can hold six fully equipped Army dudes. They can then be whisked into battle at up to 35 miles per hour while fully protected from virtually everything on the battlefield.

Source: Creative Commons
Pictured: 'Murica

When the fighting moves out of the countryside and into the city, tanks just don’t win wars. The Bradley is the best of both worlds: the power and protection of a tank with the flexibility and maneuverability of infantry. What genius of war is this brilliant creation named after, and what is his claim to fame?

Why the Dude it’s Named After Sucks

The Bradley is named after American Army General Omar Bradley. This man got his military career off to a blazing hot start in World War 1 where he served on the front lines of Montana guarding copper mines.

Source: Creative Commons
Strategic? Yes. Tank-naming worthy? No.

When World War 2 rolled around, he had the honor of serving between General Eisenhower (D-Day architect, future president, and all-around awesome dude) and General Patton (best tank commander of all time). He managed to distinguish himself by… being petty and whining about rank. Seriously, he is on record as refusing to work under a more senior British officer that reported to Eisenhower. He even threw a temper tantrum and threatened to resign if he didn’t get his way. It should be called the Bradley Fussy Vehicle.

1) The Burj Khalifa

Why It’s Awesome

I have a thing for heights I guess, because we’re back to a record-holder. At 2,717 feet, this is the tallest structure in the world.

Source: Pexels.com
Not photoshopped.

It cost an estimated $1.5 billion to make, which is like, not even a tenth of an aircraft carrier, but come on, apples to oranges man. The elevators can travel at 22.5 mph, but even at that speed it takes you well over a minute to reach the top of its 160 stories.

Why the Dude it’s Named After Sucks

Wait, what, the dude it’s named after? It’s not some kind of name like the “Taj Mahal” or “The White House”? No good sir or madame, this tower is named after a dude. A particularly undeserving dude, if you ask me, but a dude nonetheless. Burj is the Arabic word for tower, so looks like we’re looking for a Mr. Khalifa.

Source: Creative Commons
No, not even rappers have that much money

How about let’s try Khalifa Al Nahyan, the “president” of the United Arab Emirates. The Burj Khalifa is located in Dubai, which is the largest city in the UAE, so it’s only fitting that the tower be named after the man who so selflessly rules his people. They certainly wouldn’t want to call it the Burj Dubai in honor of the city or the people. Or wait, they did and then they changed the name? Well shoot, sign me up to be the “president” of an oil rich Arab country. Why do I keep putting “president” in quotes? Well, because he was never elected; he just inherited the throne, er, position from his father after he passed away. I mean seriously, this guy is compensating for something. What kind of egomaniac would go and slap their name on a tower just to proclaim their wealth?

Source: Creative Commons
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This was my entry into Round 24 of the Open Mic Comedy contest.

I am still nominating @janton, plus this time I think I'll nominate @yintercept too.

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