Comedy Open Mic Round #28: My Adventures in Living in You-Toupee-Oh

in comedyopenmic •  8 months ago

I missed last week's Steemit Bloggers contest where bloggers were asked to create their own utopia. I missed it. I'm sorry. I apologize. Please forgive me (picture me involved in an act of self-flagellation right now).

This week, I wanted to redeem myself (as if it were possible) and join in the contest fun. The task: Include heroes and villains in your utopia (it doesn't matter if you don't have a utopia). Implied task: Create a utopia.

Great, I thought, I can create a utopia and fill it with assholes in one crapshoot. Okay, so I filled it with scalps and scalp critters, which are almost like assholes (e.g. fur and craters).

As I tried to think up something to write about, I remembered the Comedy Open Mic competition. Since I don't like making 18.539 blog posts a day (because who has time for that?), I decided to kill two birds with one stone. But I'd settle for killing two stones with one bird if I could conjure up some earth-shattering utopia. And then it came to me.

Before it came to me, I scratched my bald spot. The light bulb came on (as it often does when I accidentally hit the flip switch up there). And as I began to focus my eyes on the sight and sound of utopia, the idea of You-Toupee-Oh popped into my malfunctioning brain. Absurdity done set in and nobody warned me (is that like Alzheimers?)! That's cool, because I like absurdity.

Here you have it, folks. My Adventures in Living in You-Toupee-Oh. Not quite the utopia you're used to, but I felt like you all deserved two good minutes inside my head (if, for any reason, so you can understand what I go through 24/7).

toupee.pngImage from Pixabay.

Since I'm supposed to tag two people as nominations for entering the Comedy Open Mic contest, I'll drop hair bombs on @steveblucher and @foxfiction, whose foxy stories really turn me on.

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I don't know how I ended up here. In a place called You-toupee-oh. But once I settled in, it was kinda cozy. The bed was warm. A little fuzzy, but warm. And the climate was fairly steady year-round. We had the occasional rain, or misty dew--and that dew had some kind of raunchy odor to it--but other than that, I enjoyed running the fleshtone pink streets of this planet.

They had a weird texture, a little rough but not much. Not like the roads in that home owners association I moved from. Those were some bumpy roads. But the streets here in You-toupee-oh have these little follicle thingies all over the place. Most of them, you know where they are because you can see the flimsy mop stems growing out of them. You just maneuver your way around those. No problem. But it's the ones where the long stems of stringy, briny man fur have been uprooted that cause the problem. You can't see those until you fall in one. And, holy Brylcreem, that's no fun!

First, you have to find your way out of them, and they're freaking deep. I mean, not as deep as Lake Superior, but so deep you have to look up to see where you fell from.

The first time I slid into one of them man craters, it took me hours to get out. I jumped, I clawed, I tried excavating my way out, and it seemed nothing worked. Then, along happened a handsome fly and gave me a hand, lifted me out in nothing flat. Of course, he had to puke on me first. But, hey, I got out and that's what matters. Eventually, I learned to spot them before they spotted me and swallowed me like a big fish eating a little fish.

Yesterday, it wasn't the fur craters that made me hope for a better world. It was an army of head lice. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not prejudice, but a couple of hundred of those things in one place is too damn many. I can handle one or two, if the moon smiles just right. But a thousand of them laying their eggs and copulating like chickens trying to outdo the rabbits, yeah, count me out man. I'll take the root canal.

Then it rained. And it was a stinky acid rain too. I know it was acid rain because it killed all those head lice immediately. And the road equipment that came by afterward parted all the follicle upshoots, combing through then from one angle to another. For about the space of an hour, I had to find shelter from the stormtroopers coming to my rescue. I mean, they got rid of the enemy, but they weren't gentle about it. Just to keep from getting swept up by that multi-toothed scalp plow that covered every inch of headspace on this planet, I had to jump into a crater and pretend to be a turtle hiding in its shell. That wasn't easy. Once that storm had passed, it was smooth sailing until the landslide.

Boy, that scared the shit out of me. I'm walking along, whistling a happy tune, and suddenly, no warning, all the fur strings within sight or shouting distance just started sliding south. Next thing I know, I'm dangling from an earlobe. I won't tell you how I got out of that scrape.

Anyways. I'm just another resident of You-toupee-oh, land of the small critter living it big. One of these days I'm gonna wig out.

Want to dive deeper into the imagination that creates these weird tales? Check out some of my publishings.


| Limerents in the Bog | Garden of Eden | Sulfurings | Deluge |
| | | | |
| At Amazon | At Amazon | At Amazon | At Amazon |

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While you're here, check out some of my other fiction (Trigger warning: Sometimes it gets a little weird):

And these Steem Monsters tales:

The backside 5 (my five latest posts):


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Hahahaha!

Here's my impromptu 2 min. play -

"The Rent Or Else"

  • Damsel (common comb held on bangs simulating a girl's hair clip; pleading eyes, other hand on heart), "I can' pay the rent!"

  • Villain (takes comb from damsel, holds it under nose as a mustache; other fingers twiddling a "mustache end"), "You must pay the rent!"

  • Damsel (takes back the comb, holds it on bangs again; chin to chest in despair, other hand wiping a tear), "I can't pay the rent!"

  • Villain (retrieves the comb, holds under nose; other hand playing "pocket pool"), "You must pay the rent!"

  • Hero (grabs comb and puts on adam's apple like a bow tie, other hand on a peacock chested pec), "I'll pay the rent!"

  • Damsel (receives comb, holds on bangs for the last time; rushes to her rescuer and hugs him), "My hero!"...

(The End)

Bryl Cream? Holy shit! You're as "young" as I am! Lol!!

Namaste, JaiChai

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Yes, yes I am. :-)

@blockurator,

Wouldn't Utopia, by definition, be absent of assholes?

Laughed my ass off.

Quill

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Yeah, I guess it would. Ha ha. Thanks for reading. :-)

oooh sexy footer you got going there @blockurator hehehe ;)

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Sexy people make sexy thangs. :-)

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haha! Day made! ;) cheesy grin

We are SO proud to have you as a member of our
FANTABULOUS @steemitbloggers family!
uvoted and resteemed!

❤ MWAH!!! ❤

interested in joining the Steemit Bloggers Community?

It reminds me of that old Combs and Razors song "Kwellada Rain".

"Nothin' lasts forever
And we both know heads can change
And it's hard to hold a hair shaft
In the warm Kwellada rain"

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Ha ha I hadn't heard of that one. Thanks for sharing. :-)

Interesting turn of the plot))

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Hi blockurator,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)

Judges:

If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here

Click To Vote @ComedyOpenMic For Witness And Disrupt The Steem Blockchain With Laughter!
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hahaha this is awesome @blockurator :) I do like the way that crazy head of yours works :)

One of these days I'm gonna wig out.

Nice!

I'm submitting this beauty to c-squared; I'm sure they'll appreciate it too :)

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Thanks @lynncoyle1. Your support is greatly appreciated, and duly noted. :-)

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That part was just perfect! @blockurator, Love it!

Good stuff I will have to read it again when I am more awake.

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Nice entry ....

Here is a toupee for you to rock ...

Source

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Ha ha. Thanks!

That 2 minutes in your head was just the right amount of time in there haha
Soaked in Fly Puke, Crowded by Lice, Soaked in Acid Rain....
I'm probably staying out of You-Toupee-Oh... haha

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lol

Thanks for reading ....

This is a really fun read. Very entertaining! I love the "You-toupee-oh" play on words.


This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

Good twist, made the re-reading fun!