I missed last week's Steemit Bloggers contest where bloggers were asked to create their own utopia. I missed it. I'm sorry. I apologize. Please forgive me (picture me involved in an act of self-flagellation right now).
This week, I wanted to redeem myself (as if it were possible) and join in the contest fun. The task: Include heroes and villains in your utopia (it doesn't matter if you don't have a utopia). Implied task: Create a utopia.
Great, I thought, I can create a utopia and fill it with assholes in one crapshoot. Okay, so I filled it with scalps and scalp critters, which are almost like assholes (e.g. fur and craters).
As I tried to think up something to write about, I remembered the Comedy Open Mic competition. Since I don't like making 18.539 blog posts a day (because who has time for that?), I decided to kill two birds with one stone. But I'd settle for killing two stones with one bird if I could conjure up some earth-shattering utopia. And then it came to me.
Before it came to me, I scratched my bald spot. The light bulb came on (as it often does when I accidentally hit the flip switch up there). And as I began to focus my eyes on the sight and sound of utopia, the idea of You-Toupee-Oh popped into my malfunctioning brain. Absurdity done set in and nobody warned me (is that like Alzheimers?)! That's cool, because I like absurdity.
Here you have it, folks. My Adventures in Living in You-Toupee-Oh. Not quite the utopia you're used to, but I felt like you all deserved two good minutes inside my head (if, for any reason, so you can understand what I go through 24/7).
I don't know how I ended up here. In a place called You-toupee-oh. But once I settled in, it was kinda cozy. The bed was warm. A little fuzzy, but warm. And the climate was fairly steady year-round. We had the occasional rain, or misty dew--and that dew had some kind of raunchy odor to it--but other than that, I enjoyed running the fleshtone pink streets of this planet.
They had a weird texture, a little rough but not much. Not like the roads in that home owners association I moved from. Those were some bumpy roads. But the streets here in You-toupee-oh have these little follicle thingies all over the place. Most of them, you know where they are because you can see the flimsy mop stems growing out of them. You just maneuver your way around those. No problem. But it's the ones where the long stems of stringy, briny man fur have been uprooted that cause the problem. You can't see those until you fall in one. And, holy Brylcreem, that's no fun!
First, you have to find your way out of them, and they're freaking deep. I mean, not as deep as Lake Superior, but so deep you have to look up to see where you fell from.
The first time I slid into one of them man craters, it took me hours to get out. I jumped, I clawed, I tried excavating my way out, and it seemed nothing worked. Then, along happened a handsome fly and gave me a hand, lifted me out in nothing flat. Of course, he had to puke on me first. But, hey, I got out and that's what matters. Eventually, I learned to spot them before they spotted me and swallowed me like a big fish eating a little fish.
Yesterday, it wasn't the fur craters that made me hope for a better world. It was an army of head lice. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not prejudice, but a couple of hundred of those things in one place is too damn many. I can handle one or two, if the moon smiles just right. But a thousand of them laying their eggs and copulating like chickens trying to outdo the rabbits, yeah, count me out man. I'll take the root canal.
Then it rained. And it was a stinky acid rain too. I know it was acid rain because it killed all those head lice immediately. And the road equipment that came by afterward parted all the follicle upshoots, combing through then from one angle to another. For about the space of an hour, I had to find shelter from the stormtroopers coming to my rescue. I mean, they got rid of the enemy, but they weren't gentle about it. Just to keep from getting swept up by that multi-toothed scalp plow that covered every inch of headspace on this planet, I had to jump into a crater and pretend to be a turtle hiding in its shell. That wasn't easy. Once that storm had passed, it was smooth sailing until the landslide.
Boy, that scared the shit out of me. I'm walking along, whistling a happy tune, and suddenly, no warning, all the fur strings within sight or shouting distance just started sliding south. Next thing I know, I'm dangling from an earlobe. I won't tell you how I got out of that scrape.
Anyways. I'm just another resident of You-toupee-oh, land of the small critter living it big. One of these days I'm gonna wig out.
Want to dive deeper into the imagination that creates these weird tales? Check out some of my publishings.
| Limerents in the Bog | Garden of Eden | Sulfurings | Deluge |
| | | | |
| At Amazon | At Amazon | At Amazon | At Amazon |
Review Me, Please
While you're here, check out some of my other fiction (Trigger warning: Sometimes it gets a little weird):
- Fenrir Awakes
- Literary Mashup: A Furry Little Love Triangle
- Racioppa's Revenge
- Goldilocks and the Big Hairy Briggins
- How to Save a Life
- Farmpunk Fiction: Altland's Gambit
- Shopping for Feelings
- The Saddest Tale Ever Told
- Memorandum of the Ministry of Silly Putty
- My Secret Life as a Garden Gnome
And these Steem Monsters tales:
- Giant Roc: Born of Wind, Hard as Stone
- Skeleton Assassin
- Free Range Rexxie
- From Common Thief to Goblin Shaman
- Haunted Spider
- Feral Spirit
- Feet of Clay, Heart of Flesh
- The Ballad of the Crustacean King
- How Magic Was Born
- Enkidu the Fire Beetle
The backside 5 (my five latest posts):
- Crypto Digest: Liars, Outliers, and Hot Potato Stew
- Tell Me a Story Contest: Fenrir Awakes
- district0x: Creating a Network of Decentralized Markets
- Steem Monsters Fantasy Story Contest - Giant Roc:
Born of Wind, Strong as Stone
- Farmpunk Flash Fiction Contest Winner
created and used by veterans
with permission from @guiltyparties