Comedyopenmic Round 16: Honest. It's not a scam. I Forgive YOU!

in #comedyopenmic3 years ago

Even after my massive hint in yesterday's post, I noticed that nobody donated money to my cryptowallet. It makes me feel a bit entitledenraged … , SAD, but it's okay. You didn't mean it. I FORGIVE you. But...

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Darling Reader, here is my sad and tragic story. I am sharing this with you because the struggle is real and I don't know where else I can turn in this crisis.

Sad Violin Music

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It all started when the price of BTC dropped. I, like many a crypto noob, invested some of my savings in BTC. Yes, I was late to the party and paid for it when it was near the top of its curve. Over the last few months, I've seen the price plummet. My fat account is now borderline chubby, in danger of never regaining its voluptuous rotundity.

The Struggle

I now have to buy my coffee at Costa instead of Starbucks. It's so humiliating. I'm so ashamed that I have had to purchase a fake Starbucks cardboard cup to hide my shameful Costa version in public.

Disguises

As if this isn't enough, I had to make the ultimate sacrifice. My favourite rum is quite expensive. My Friday-night snifter is something I look forward to. No longer, Darling. I now have to buy the Sainsbury's version of spiced rum. It's too sweet! Besides this, Sainsbury's has hideous décor. If anyone can understand the trauma of visiting Sainsbury's, please let me know in the comments. I have taken to wearing a disguise, fearing someone will spot me in this store.

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I have to get a taxi there because – God forbid – someone could recognise one of my cars in the parking lot. As I'm sure you're aware, taxis are not always hygienic and some drivers are prone to chitchat.

The Gardens, poor poor gardens

I gaze out of my window. My young gardener is busying himself with the gardens, tinkering in the beds, trimming the new summer growth. What if I have to let him go? Can you imagine the dread sinking in my stomach? He has a pregnant wife, and kids that depend on him! Poor buggers.

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He's also really really good in bed. What a tragedy!

Amazon Prime

And Amazon Prime. No, not Amazon Prime! How will I cope without same-day delivery, instant gratification?

Real Life Problems

I'm sure some of the more cynical out there will doubt my suffering. But if you could see the state of my fingernails... It has been weeks since I've visited the salon and I've had to make do with a home DIY version of a manicure. It's summer now and I'm compelled to wear gloves to cover the shame of my amateurish fingernails.

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I dread to think what will become of me and my family. Will my children be able to face the shame of having a mother who is still wearing last season's Versace? I shudder to think. Will this put them at risk of bullying?

Son's Birthday

It is my son's birthday soon. He will be expecting a party. Am I to resort to self catering? My eyes can barely read this back, so bulging are they with tears and incredible shame. Will we have to order the bouncy castle without an attached assault course? Will they notice if I only order half the paintball bullets? Yes! They will! They will, Dear Reader.

Please help me, Dear Dear Reader.

Relatable

Maybe you're unable to relate to my problems – lucky you! Perhaps you're in the fortunate position of better investment choices or – oh I dunno – going out to work regularly or something.

If you would like to help me, and I'm sure you're the kindest type of person that would, please send as much as you can to my cryptowallet. It will be most appreciated.

Spirituality and Karma

I'm going to talk about God now to remind you that your spirituality kinda obliges you to be charitable. I'm sure THE LORD or GREAT SPIRITS or WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN would give you extra bonus points for being generous. Let's not antagonise KARMA. Please, for your own soul's sake, don't let HIM/HER/IT down. Imagine the consequences of turning your back on a fellow human being in need! I'm sure you're not that type of person, obviously. I trust you. I have faith.

Blessings

Blessings and lots of spiritual pleasantness will be yours – for a limited time period only – and I will obviously send prayers, burn some incense in your honour and chant naked at midnight.

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You deserve it, kind friend! See how much I am willing to go out of my way for you? I'm saying nice things to and about you. Lovely stuff! This is because you are a kind person and I love you. I know that. Our souls have already touched, you see.

Sad Music (probably piano in a minor key)

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I'm off now, to wallow in abject misery, refreshing my cryptowallet every few seconds, occasionally glancing at my deformed fingernails. Oh woe! See you in the wallet soon, my Beloved and Blessed ones.

Love, Anj xx

Satirical freewrite based on yesterday's post:

I have a sad and tragic story... or do I?

This is my entry into the #comedyopenmic Round 16 contest.

I nominate the following two hilarious people to play along too:

@deirdyweirdy

@sunsethunter

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SMARTSTEEM

Crypto Empire

Unless otherwise stated, all pics in my blog are either mine or freely available online, labelled for reuse and doctored by me.

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Sort:  

In classic anj style. Well done, I almost opened my wallet for ya ;)

Lol, nearly haha. Thanks Eon :D

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Are you threatening me!? My bungole will not wait!

Lolz XD

I would never threaten your sacred bunghole. :D

I'll send an upvote your way. Every little bit helps.

Thank you kindly, lovely @mourningnoodles. I have wafted air across these wind chimes in your honour. Tinkle tinkle tinkle :D

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Listen girl, you're much too hard a comedy act to follow. That was hilarious!
When they get around to having the Tragedy open mic, will you nominate me for that instead? It's definitely more my style;)

Aw you're too kind.

About tragedy: why does your writing make me laugh then? :P

xx

That says more about you than it does about me;)

Haha so true. I'm a total pervert XD

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Your story touched my heart and I felt your pain ripple through me as it were my own.

Honestly, I was going to donate......until I remembered I have already generously donated this year (or got scammed, really depends how you frame it) a big chunk of my bitcoin to the 'Peter Sheppard Retirement Scheme' previously known as Hexabot

So for now all I can offer you is my humble up vote for your touching tragedy and pray that gloves come back into fashion this season

hahah lolz XD

Thanks @jodytabs. It brings me great comfort to know you understand my pain.

Good for you, helping Hexabot achieve its goals (#ouch!).

The blessing: Right now I'm waving a patchouli jostick in your general direction, passing all the love in the universe across your cryptowallet. Namastay :D

You have a sad story and I really appreciate your blessings and prayer. You may have also noticed a little jump in your bitcoin wallet. This is from my friend. He just bought a ton yesterday. He does this the first week of every month to screw everybody up. Don't pay attention. He will just dump it 30 days from now.

Thank you, dearest @mineopoly. The jump made my heart flutter with gratitude and love. I hope your friend finds my wallet in better condition than it is today. Blessings :D

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Oh what a great pain, these problems of the first world if they are very bad.

Yes, the struggle is real. Thanks for popping by :D

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Yes, dear @fabian98, the struggle is real. Thanks for visiting :D

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