Five minute free write - Scream
This morning I woke up with almost no energy
A dry mouth, and that gnarly feeling of being on the edge of a cold. The last couple weeks has been pretty rough. Going at it 110% every day trying to make things work, trying to get my shit together, trying to move forward with life. That's left me drained with my vision blurred as to how much progress I've actually made, so, as much as I wanted to try the Three Part Weekend Free Write I wimped out and did a single prompt instead.
The focus I decided on was, scream. Because, after some of the dreams I had last night, that's what I want to do. Not a scream of fear, but of frustration, which I think comes across in this free write. Or at least I hope it does, hehe. Written on the dreaded The Most Dangerous Writing App I admit to going back and changing a few words out and adding a sentence to help the flow better.
So, without further ado...
Chest heaving in and out, hands to knees
Trying to catch every bit of air around him, he wondered, 'how the hell did I get here?' From dozens of small scratches he bled, small drops of brilliant red, stark against his pale white skin.
Around him the forest shushed, gently swaying, unawares of what was going on. Uncaring, immortal in it's cycle of seeds, stems, and leaves. Another creature, passing through, or to stay. It didn't care.
The clearing where he stood, small, cramped.
A doorway from one grove to another. So little sound, yet his ears sought out the telltale signs of others. The ones he fled from. The ones who would never stop seeking him.
For he was the one.
He didn't even know what that meant. It had all started at a bar in a far off place, a conversation with a strange dark-eye girl. One beer led to another led to another. Journey's linked and a new story with the two of them had begun.
But that was many thousands of miles ago
And now, he was here. That same dark eyed girl, behind him, somewhere, with her friends.
How had he let himself be decieved. It had been too good to be true. But he had let himself believe. That faint sliver of hope now poised to stab his heart.
A still, uncaring void surrounded him. Up he looked, hoping for a glimpse of the stars. Perhaps his last one. Silently he screamed, 'why?!'
And, if you're wondering, no. A woman did not recently break my heart. I wish that were the case. Let's just say life as a photography can be dicey sometimes...hah!...always. And finding people that want you for you vs what you can do for them is like finding a diamond in the desert. And when you do do something for someone who just wants something...it's like the above story.
Ugh, to be in love though, that I would kill for. Literally. Bu, enough of the TMI. On to more and other writing.
Thanks for stopping by! Hope you enjoyed it. Would love to hear what you think :)
Michael
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hugs
Now for some advice. stop reading if you don't want any loll
Stop trying to fix things. Think more on what you have learned to get you into where you are now.
Once you figure that out then be more aware that it doesn't happen again so you don't find yourself in 10 more years in the same situation.
Once you stop trying so hard to make things right it's just like looking for a date......... your desperation and unhappiness goes away and people feel that. Now instead of trying to run away from the unhappy guy/girl they want to spend time with the person that doesn't throw off doom and gloom.
Yes, easier said and done but writing is a very great place to start and you ARE a very, very good writer!!
But while looking back in your stories, look forward too. Look for things that made you happy and think about if now, they would again.......
Last, no one can be happy all the time. anyone can be sad all the time.
hugs Hope this has helped a tiny bit and I promise to stop giving advice if you ask me to!
Read this now, gonna read it again later, and probably several times more. It's just so easy with a mind that ruminates, and once you get in that spin-cycle, you get thrown further and further out. And when the world so rarely recognizes or reflects that worth you know you should feel, it makes it even harder. If I had more people by my side for support it would be easier, but you know that the older you get the harder it is to make friends, and a situation like this only compounds the difficulty. I think the industry I tried to be a part of didn't help at all. Thank you again for such great advice and compassion :)
I agree. The last 2 years I have spent in about the same mindset as you are in now. over the course of the last 138 days on Steemit, learning to find my place....... OMG, sorry dropping a link because this describes my last 138 days the best.........
https://steemit.com/creative/@snook/my-incredible-journey-the-over-20-club
and from that........I am now, again, finally in a place where I can honestly say I'm happy again.
Does that mean the last now almost 3 very, very bad years never happened and that all I had before, which if we are being honest wasn't much, is back in full force? No........it is not.
But maybe some of those things I really missed from 3 years ago will come back but if they don't it's way past time to move forward and learn what I can do to make ME happiest now.
Yes, still have bad days, but they are back to the bad days of 8 years ago when I lost my job due to my health and everyone thought I was crazy so I had to learn how to make my own happiness before I really was crazy. LOLLL
Hope this one makes sense.... Just know you are not alone in what you are going through!
It's a journey with no end. But, what makes it possible is the people we have beside us :) When you hit rock bottom there is so much that you learn. About yourself, about others, about what's important... :)
snook said pretty much everything I was going to say as well. And when the mind spins and spins, I find it helpful to exercise and really concentrate on my breath. Keep thinking: I am breathing in, I am breathing out and that brings a little space in the brain fro calmness.
Since one of my clients had me join their jiujitsu club in order for them to become my client, I've been good on that end. Get all that excess energy off in a constructive manner :) Breathing is what I really need to to better. When the black cycle starts, that calm in-out with focusing on something positive instead of a quick in-out.
for sure. I think being able to be a watcher of the self - even if it is just little glimpses - allows us to step away from our "stories". One app on the phone I find helpful is called Access Consciousness. It has a free version. Basically, you set a reminder - maybe as often as every 5 minutes, and check in with yourself and see what is swirling in the mind. Then, you ask yourself how much of that is yours and how much of it doesn't belong to you.
Like feeling not good enough or whatever it is what we are struggling with. Then, you send all that doesn't belong to you (which is often 100% someone else's label, always at least 98%) back to them with a thank you, but no thank you. There is more to it, but it has instructions....
Gonna have to check that out :) I think anything that gives us a moment outside that moment and gives us a bit of perspective, is like a potential toehold to move forward with life. I know some people use a rubber band on their wrist, snap it when the cycle starts.
But we have to want to get better, which is sometimes hard because you've been dragged down so far and the light doesn't even seem to exist.
That being said, the last couple weeks, the people I've met, conversations I've had, and actions people have taken to help me, I think have give me a toehold to start moving forward again. I can't just whine and be like, 'no ones there!!!!' wah wah.' There's just too much evidence that there's hope for me to ignore...universe is hitting me in the face with it too much...which is awesome :)
My journey is by no means anywhere near the end...don't think there is one, but I'm on a path now. It's gonna be hard, but maybe I've found the place for the healing to finally begin. Once again, as cornball as that seems, hehe. Thanks for being a part of it @mariannewest :)
The feeling of being used makes everyone want to scream. That you keep helping, keep trying, keep giving, shows great things about your character. As to the users, personally, I feel sorry for them. Once they've burned through those who are willing to be there for them, they'll be left with nobody. Finding a true friend, a diamond, takes time but those people are worth more than anything. That's why it's great that you're here writing. Others will read how you feel, see how you look at life and what is on your mind and before you know it, you've a group that connects with you, that honestly cares about you and how your life is going.
Also, since I tend to not be overly serious, when's the last time you screamed for the fun of it? Just the joy of being loud for the sake of foolishness and frivolity? (Even if you have to apologize to the people glaring at you in the park a moment later. LOL)
Should this prompt hit your head I do apologize, it's difficult to aim while flying through the skies!
The only thing I can do is to keep trying. To not give up. And to keep being myself. I think a lot of my journey has served to direct me here, where in the last month I've found so many awesome people. It's corny as hell, but, for the first time in a long time it's like I'm a part of a community. Comments become conversations, frustrations are acknowledged and people try and help, good ideas and work are rewarded. It's not a perfect system, but there's enough people here that I think that want it to be...which makes it a great place to be.
You know, that's a good question. I've heard that it's good therapy to let it all out instead of bottling it up. One of my new clients got me involved in their club, as a way to both pay for my services and build the club bigger. So...now I do jiujitsu, which helps to get a lot of that pent up frustration out. In an environment surrounded by people who are respectful, supportive, and also driven. I mean, getting choked out isn't the funnest of experiences, hehe.
Already on the free write ;) Have to swing by your page and see what you put down :)
Thanks for dropping by and leaving those kind words of support. It is very much appreciated!
Reality > Dreams until one day Dreams = Reality
My dreams are faded, my reality disconnected. Trapped in a world I can't seem to improve no matter how hard I try.