The Journey of Re-defining My Self-Worth from Depths of Hell

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As the saying goes, any trips seem shorter with good company. Apparently the opposite applied to me recently. Really, days of trip could feel like years if you end up with a bad company. This is my story.

6 months ago, I've agreed to travel to Lisbon, Portugal with my friends, whom I've never travelled before. Even though we're not really close, I chose to join because it's my first trip to the land of Europe. I see this as an opportunity.

I've agreed, paid for the flight ticket and accommodation which cost all of my savings, RM5000 (1000€). I've even cooked most of my meals to save as much as possible for the trip. I was looking forward to it.

The day came, I remember it's 21st December 2017, it's winter in Lisbon. I have a weak body since born, cold is never once my friend. I am built for warm countries. But I want to touch snow because we don't see snow in Malaysia. I like snow but I can't stand cold. What an irony...

I landed on the land of Lisbon, a city of art, achitecture and 500 years of history. My first few days were good. We lived in a serviced apartment near the downtown area, only 5 minutes walk to all restaurants and sightseeing places. It was around Praça do Comércio area.

My nightmare creeps in on the 5th day when teases became minor bullying. I was the center of tease, where everyone commented and made fun of my movements, reactions and opinions. I was wearing a green knitted sweater with a black skirt, and they teased I look like Velma. Yes, I'm wearing glasses with short bobbed hair

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When we laughed out loud, instinctly I was doing this gesture, hitting my palm rapidly while laughing. I used this to express my pure excitement.

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Yet, they made it look very obscene and keep repeating that whenever they were talking about me or making fun of me. My confidence tank is running out at this time.

I disregarded my own self-worth and accepted their tease, what they said about me so that I can blend in, laugh with them, as if I'm one of them. This backfired my self-confidence. I don't feel I am who I am when I'm with them. I feel unworthy and fake.

When I answered their questions or conversed with them, they always gave me a cold stare. Like my answers were not expected, then I was brushed aside. I tried very hard to blend in but I was suffocating. I want a place.

One of them, Mr. R keeps sticking to another couple which pissed me off whenever I see him clinging and becoming the third wheel. He is an attention seeker and hates being lonely. So he disregard the privacy of the couple and rammed into their space. I hated him doing that.

A bad company ruins any trips

This is the worst trip I've ever had in my entire life. I chose to keep my mouth shut so that I will not offend anyone, get laughed at and ignored. That was the time, 1 day felt as loooooooooong as 1 year.

When it became unbearable, I expressed my sufferings to my boyfriend via Duo video call. He told me,
"I believe my girlfriend, Tifa is a strong woman. You will stand up for yourself and grow from these incidents. You will go through and learn from this. I believe you can!"

His belief has ignited my energy oil. His words striked through my heart and soul. He is right,

I CAN GET OUT OF THIS! I AM THE VICTOR, NOT VICTIM!
I AM MY RESCUE, NO ONE ELSE IS MY RESCUE!!!

I began crafting my "Take back myself" plan. How do I take back my strengths?

1. Rid all negativity
2. Raise my self-confidence
3. Be myself

Rid all negativity

I do the "forgiveness" ritual everyday. The first person I need to forgive is myself.

I forgive myself for being weak-minded and made fun of
I forgive myself for giving up on myself and consumed by the waves of bully
I forgive myself and I will grow from this

Raise my self-confidence

I told myself,

I will grow mentally and spiritually from this hell
I am grateful that this happened because this will make me stronger, in mind and in soul
I will rule my own trip, even if I have to walk alone!

Be myself

Who cares about their opinions and teases? I do not need their approval for my self-worth. I will be myself and disregard all prejudices, gossips and perceptions. This is ME!

The transformation was almost magical.

I declined their invitations and walked my on my own. I searched for my own ways to explore the town. I detached myself from the group when I feel like it. I expressed my disagreement in conversations. I ignored all cold stares and moved on. I was free from their shackles. I became myself, the independent and strong self!

I have never seen them again after returning from the trip but their doings have made me stronger. For only that, I am grateful of them.