Back to black
I thought about writing this post for so many times, even started it, then erased and kept thinking again. May be it's just hard for me to understand that - come on! It's my blog, my little on-line universe and I don't have to shrink on anyone and think if they will like it. And if writing can make me feel at least slightly better - it totally worth it. Hard thing to realize to say the truth. It's like shrinking on other people opinion about your life or appearance, I always say to myself that I don't care, but anyway feel injured when I hear something unpleasant about it.
So, in my post about lasik surgery yesterday I mentioned that I had to cancel my psychotherapist twice because after operation I couldn't reach her in other way then using taxi, and the surgery already was way too expensive, so... I just canceled my visits. And probably it was a mistake.
I already wrote a few posts about fighting depression, about my previous experience of trying to fix myself, but when I was writing them I was in less or more normal state, and this one I'm writing from the complete "Back to black".
Not so long ago I failed with my psychiatrist. It was about a month ago - I just stopped taking pills and stopped visiting him. For a good reason - he just failed with the correct treatment. First of all I must say here that I live in a country where psychological problems is kind of a stigma, and if you say "I attend psychotherapist", or, God save, psychiatrist, no one will understand. It's normal to suffer here. If you feel shitty and you say it aloud the best result you can expect is that someone will say "Everyone does". And here, in this country, really 80% of people do, but for different reasons. So, as a result, I even couldn't explain my problem properly even to a doctor with medical license. I said that I feel no joy, that I can't sleep, can't breath, and have multiple hysterical attacks with no reason. And he gave me antidepressants without even asking if this statement is permanent. May be if he would - I would say that between these statements I'm over-productive, can work 24/7 non-stop and move mountains with my single hand (I'm lucky that I don't drink alcohol - who knows how that may have been looked if I did). Now I know that I'm describing bipolar disorder here. But he didn't, and I wasn't sure that it's important. Well, I even didn't think about it. I just wished to get back to normal life again.
So, I started taking antidepressants, and they worked. Worked for a month, may be, or a little less. And then, despite the pills, everything returned with tripled force. I was shocked, has no idea where to run, refused taking pills anymore, and when my husband was on a business trip had one of the heaviest depressive attacks in my life. A normal woman can't cry for 8 hours. I felt like I was dying from sorrow (no reason, as usual), and felt like if I will not stop - I will actually die from something like heart attack. I found the only way possible to calm myself (worked 50/50) - I write a letter. A long letter, trying to tell about how I feel. Plus one more short for my husband - begging for help, begging to find me a good specialist.
When he returned home next morning I was absolutely exhausted. All my muscles were filled with pain, so was my poor head. I couldn't even get out of bed to welcome my hubby home, neither could I talk. So gave him my second writing, and on the next day he took me to the therapist.
Here I can skip 1,5 months that I've been visiting her. It was a talking therapy, and too bad that it took me 1,5 months to understand that I'm just loosing my time. Even more bad that it also took her 1,5 months to send me back to psychiatrist, for another type of pills. At the moment, since I canceled my previous two visits, I'm no longer sure that I should go back to her. I just can't see any sense. If I would need to "complain" - I would call my friend and tell her everything, so I'm not in a situation when I need "free ears to listen". But I'm definitely in a situation when I need help, and need it now. And already don't know where to look for it.
The only thing I learned after this period of attempts to find help is to track my state. The cycles are pretty simple. You're super-woman for a couple of weeks, then for a couple of days your're almost normal, and you hope that it's over, and then for the next couple of weeks you're a lump of mucus trying not to forget how to breathe. And then you're a super-woman again.
Today I'm the lump of mucus, back to black, as I said in the title. I felt that it'll be so already yesterday in the evening. I cooked delicious supper to eat together with my husband, but then just hid in the room with my bowl, alone. The closer I am to this state, the harder it becomes to communicate, even with people I love.
And one more here... My husband asked me a question: "Hey, you just got your eyes back to perfection, you love your work, ect, ect, (paste here all the pleasant things in life) - and you still feel badly?"
I do. And I hate it. But I still hope to fix it.
P.S. No "yoga and healthy food" advises, please.
So deep and Touching.
I have a depression, mine is long term mourning for my mom; which is stopping me from moving on with my life. At 31, am single with no Girlfriend- trying to run away from my country maybe i can start afresh. But i have one hope, it doesnt work for me most of the time but it has worked when am in my lowest state- i read the Holy Bible!
Hugs, I am sorry about your Mom....I'd befriend you if you lived closer, I had to learn to be my own Mom because my Mom couldn't be there for me...
This melts my heart ma'am, your kind words to me each time i have avenue to express the darkness inside of me are so priceless to me, bless you now and always my mom form the other side of the World!
You comfort me as well, I wish I could do more for you...much metta to you my Son from Africa...metta is wise loving kindness meditation that one gives to self first and then shares with others <3
Will surely need many many Metta ma'am, hugs!
did you try cbd against depression? as well some cannabis strains , not all, some have the reverse effect, could help you. cbd is the non psychoactive component of cannabis and is really powerful. head up
No, I don't even think it's legal
It's actually what's know as an orphan chemical. It's related chemical, THC, and source are both illegal, but CBD is not (in the US at least...), allowing it to be sold as a supplement. This may be changing soon, so if it's something you're interested in trying, I'd do it soon, so you can stock up .
Edit- I have a similar cycle of extreme swings. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you're able to find better ways to cope and to continue producing wonderful art.
The thing is - I produce art all the time, it's the only thing that allows me to stop destructive thinking. That's why I post new pictures at least twice a day, and create even more of them that I can't show here because it's work (mostly for yet not published books).
About the pills - I'm really not sure what is it. So I saw cannabis - and automatically thought that it's illegal
as well what is very good for balancing your mood is meditation. Me as well, I always thought it would not be as powerful as it is. But it is very good for killing destructive thinking, it is some kind of "hard" when you begin, but it works and helps,from my experience. There are many guided meditations on youtube where you can begin with, some kind of energy balancing meditation, or what else appeals to you. Another thing is binaural music, as well very powerful...maybe this can relief your inner struggle a little...but you have to try yourself if it helps you for your life, if you do so, please let me know if it worked for you as i am curious if it´s only subjective how these things work for me (but there is yet scientific proof that both things change your brain structure ;)
I wish I had a dollar every time someone tells me about meditation:(
did you try?
Yes
don´t know where you live, here it´s legal for medical use. CBD shouldn´t be illegal at all, because it is no psychoactive substance, therefore I don´t know countries where it is illegal ;)
Yes it´s illegal Fabian in many countries :S how I wish it were not.
I didn't know you have bipolar disorder until this post. I cannot give much of an advice but to wish you finding a good therapist and help since my own experience with depression is very limited; I've only had a couple short episodes where I estimate being close to a state of what someone with a diagnosed depression might go through.
It's a shame mental illness is a stigma in my country too, though small steps to improvment have been taken.
Well, actually I don't ask for advises here, I just wish to make my blog more personal, more "with my real face", and at the moment my face looks like this. Just wished to share it a bit in hope to feel a small relief
Yes I understand, I think giving a personal touch out there is a good and healthy thing to do.
Jeez, you're a lot more extreme than I was when I was bad o_O I actually managed to stabilise with a cat, no idea if that's an option for you or if the cat-sized dog you have does the same job. I now need to get another one anyway as mine has shuffled off this mortal coil.
Have you had your thyroid tested? Apparently incorrect functioning can sometimes cause problems like this.
And keep writing those letters if they help! Hope things improve for you, those dark places can be pretty hard work :<
She really does the same job, I'm much more a dog-person (and I have no idea how to take care after cats, all my family had only dogs for years:).
Yes, I had troubles with my thyroid since childhood, but now different doctors say different things, from "you're OK" to "you're completely not OK". I prefer thinking that the first ones are right
Cats are pretty easy :) I have my two dogs that I love to bits, they can't do the cat's job though (they do a different things for me and I wouldn't be without them either!).
Well that's a pain about the doctors all saying different things :< I don't have any helpful experience or anything to share unfortunately, I was repeating what someone else had suggested to me once. I'd ask if you've gotten second or subsequent opinions but sounds like you have had a lot of opinions already! Well even if you don't feel okay now and like it will never be okay again, you will be okay eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later :) Hope you can find whatever help you need to get to that okay point :)
I too suffer, its not a good place but the more you talk about it the more you talk about your feelings the better it is, keep talking hunny :)
I always think "Well, now I'll say as it is". And always fail to find the right words:(
Try writing it down for yourself to read, read it back, it helped me :)
I used to make "morning pages", it's Julia Cameron's technique, when in the morning you write 5 pages of "mind flow". Quite helpful indeed!
Try that again :)
This post is helping me a lot too "morning pages" "Julia Cameron's technique" interesting <3
Dear @inber nothing can be perfect in this life, nothing! and I must learn to live with reality... learn to live accepting who we are! I read your post and you are a super woman who is fighting her own demons, there cannot be light if there is no darkness, right?
Absolutely right
Sorry this is happening to you Inber.
Здорово, это чем-то цепляет класс
Вы серьезно?
Очень!
Не знала что рассказы о неудавшейся психотерапии могут оказывать такой эффект.
Я про рисунок меня больше интересует изобразительное искусство
Прекрасно. Если Вы заметили - под рисунком ссылка на автора
Красавчик! Зачем тратить время на чтение, если можно написать "гуд пост" десяти разным людям и надеяться на чудо.
А по теме, я к сожалению не психотерапевт и не смогу дать толковых советов. Вероятно, фразы вроде "сменить обстановку, найти цель в жизни и не бросать лечение на полпути" Вы уже слышали сотни раз...
Спасибо! Да, гуд постеров нынче очень много развелось.
И обстановка отличная, и цель есть, вот лечение правильное пока что не подобрала. Но поиски не бросаю, и надеюсь на свое маленькое чудо в этом отношении.
Спасибо, посмотрел, работы, просто восхитительны
If you can do any sort of physical exercise, even if it's taking a long walk, that's been known to release endorphins to help a little bit.
Consciously controlling your breathing throughout the day in sort of a meditative manner can also be calming. You can do this a few times a day, or whenever you need.
If you need to vent, or talk about your feelings, I am confident that there are people here who can relate to your feelings and possibly be able to share their lessons learned / helpful experiences. There may even be a #depression tag? But if you find yourself falling deeper into a black hole feeling while reading or watching content there, please stop and look at something like #happy or #motivation or anything up-beat that makes you feel better! :)
It's more complicated then that, but about physical exercises you're absolutely right. In good days I can spend about 6 hours only walking with my dog
I'm sorry for your struggles, dealing with depression here in the states is pretty much the same. I pray you find balance between the black to the black <3
Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me! <3
You are welcome @inber, don't give up trying to find balance during your time of illness. I found that there is peace even during times of great pain and unrest. I had to let go of my pain, being to close too it to find ease.
That's what I try to do, and sometimes I even manage with it. But when I fail I feel such huge guilt that all my positive results turn to zero
It's okay to feel all those things, to feel guilty, just feel the sensations and let them go...I have these feelings coming and going all the time, dark sad feelings, guilty feelings I could do better, but these are just feelings, transient in nature, never here long, feelings can be just like water, you can learn to let them roll over you without drowning in them....I had to learn how to do this after years of abuse and illness. I became conditioned to illness and abuse, I had no idea what it was to live without fear and pain, to react to life in a healthy way...I had to let that old conditioning go or I would die, literally, my body was falling apart.
When ever I write about this people get really upset thinking I am saying that it's all in their head that they aren't sick and depressed. I am not saying that...I am saying that reacting to feelings and sensations we don't like in a negative way becomes a habit and that doubles up on our misery...increases the feelings and thoughts of depression and pain.
A friend of mine, a medical doctor said that what I found, through meditation and letting go of old habits sounds like CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy...I did not cure my pain and depression, I accepted I may not ever be normal (define normal...lolol) and I dealt with the hand given to me in a healthy proactive way along with mental training from my meditation retreat work.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/
I never thought about this way, but the thought that I begin overreacting immediately after I feel that I'm loosing battle with "bad" emotions, and it makes it even worse indeed already came to my mind (today). I really try to learn how to deal with myself and live with myself, listen to my body and find out what will be better, but I'm only in the beginning of the way
It's called a negative feedback loop, positive feedback, learning new habits break that loop.... We are so mean to ourselves when we drop the ball and so kind to others when they drop the ball ....Don't be so hard on yourself @inber (hugs, hugs, hugs)
I learned to meditate on my breath to break the loop, but hugs from friends, helping others (service work), walking, art, you know about this part helps too...I am not saying you will get better but you can learn to live with pain without doubling your pain through negative reactions...What I found after breaking the chain in my conditioning was I stopped tensing up in my mind and body (Horrible Panic attacks and night terrors), which lessened the stress I was causing myself by reacting to something out of my control, which was my illness...
I mean eventually we all get sick and will die that is the plain and simple truth of this life.
I wanted to take this experience and use it to help me live with my illness in peace, which eventually will help me die in peace. I learned to make friends with my depression, I explored it, found all it's depths and stopped being afraid. My tension and stress became less and I was able to see clearly for moments at a time instead of reacting all the time...These moments of peace and clarity were a gift and I could not see them without breaking my habit of conditioned reaction to my depression and pain.
I try to fill my life with positive things like creating, communicating with my god and taking care of my beloved ones as much as I can, and it really helps to take it easier.
By this time my state leaded more to loosing friends then to making new ones, but at the moment I'm already OK with it.I have to learn how to accept myself as I am, will be a good start.