I'm sorry for your struggles, dealing with depression here in the states is pretty much the same. I pray you find balance between the black to the black <3
I'm sorry for your struggles, dealing with depression here in the states is pretty much the same. I pray you find balance between the black to the black <3
Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me! <3
You are welcome @inber, don't give up trying to find balance during your time of illness. I found that there is peace even during times of great pain and unrest. I had to let go of my pain, being to close too it to find ease.
That's what I try to do, and sometimes I even manage with it. But when I fail I feel such huge guilt that all my positive results turn to zero
It's okay to feel all those things, to feel guilty, just feel the sensations and let them go...I have these feelings coming and going all the time, dark sad feelings, guilty feelings I could do better, but these are just feelings, transient in nature, never here long, feelings can be just like water, you can learn to let them roll over you without drowning in them....I had to learn how to do this after years of abuse and illness. I became conditioned to illness and abuse, I had no idea what it was to live without fear and pain, to react to life in a healthy way...I had to let that old conditioning go or I would die, literally, my body was falling apart.
When ever I write about this people get really upset thinking I am saying that it's all in their head that they aren't sick and depressed. I am not saying that...I am saying that reacting to feelings and sensations we don't like in a negative way becomes a habit and that doubles up on our misery...increases the feelings and thoughts of depression and pain.
A friend of mine, a medical doctor said that what I found, through meditation and letting go of old habits sounds like CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy...I did not cure my pain and depression, I accepted I may not ever be normal (define normal...lolol) and I dealt with the hand given to me in a healthy proactive way along with mental training from my meditation retreat work.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/
I never thought about this way, but the thought that I begin overreacting immediately after I feel that I'm loosing battle with "bad" emotions, and it makes it even worse indeed already came to my mind (today). I really try to learn how to deal with myself and live with myself, listen to my body and find out what will be better, but I'm only in the beginning of the way
It's called a negative feedback loop, positive feedback, learning new habits break that loop.... We are so mean to ourselves when we drop the ball and so kind to others when they drop the ball ....Don't be so hard on yourself @inber (hugs, hugs, hugs)
I learned to meditate on my breath to break the loop, but hugs from friends, helping others (service work), walking, art, you know about this part helps too...I am not saying you will get better but you can learn to live with pain without doubling your pain through negative reactions...What I found after breaking the chain in my conditioning was I stopped tensing up in my mind and body (Horrible Panic attacks and night terrors), which lessened the stress I was causing myself by reacting to something out of my control, which was my illness...
I mean eventually we all get sick and will die that is the plain and simple truth of this life.
I wanted to take this experience and use it to help me live with my illness in peace, which eventually will help me die in peace. I learned to make friends with my depression, I explored it, found all it's depths and stopped being afraid. My tension and stress became less and I was able to see clearly for moments at a time instead of reacting all the time...These moments of peace and clarity were a gift and I could not see them without breaking my habit of conditioned reaction to my depression and pain.
I try to fill my life with positive things like creating, communicating with my god and taking care of my beloved ones as much as I can, and it really helps to take it easier.
By this time my state leaded more to loosing friends then to making new ones, but at the moment I'm already OK with it.I have to learn how to accept myself as I am, will be a good start.