Letting Go of Anger
Today, I was given the finger by someone while driving to work
Nine times out of ten, this situation would elicit anger and give a bitter start to my day. I'd likely become passive aggressive, slowing down to a crawl to piss them off more, or if I didn't respond to them directly I'd be ruminating about what an asshole they were.
But today was different. Instead of reacting negatively, I decided to take a few breaths and attempt to empathize with their situation. Maybe they were late for work and took out their frustration on me. Perhaps they were going through a rough period in their life, and my act of changing lanes in front of them (I wasn't close to cutting them off, fyi) was just a further development in their downward spiral.
Or perhaps they are actually just a bitter individual incapable of dealing with their own life and they're very quick to give the finger to anyone who gets in their way. Whatever the reason, I decided to let the situation be what it was and not add any judgment on top of it.
Empower your response
I write frequently about how free will is our ability to choose our response to what happens in life. Admittedly, I still have my difficulties with not feeding my emotions and reacting unconsciously to my own detriment. But overcoming a reactionary mindset requires constant attention, patience, and persistence in order to achieve a sense of behavior change.
Today was a small victory over the reactionary mind, as I was able to drop the desire to respond with negativity and my day was better for it. All actions, no matter how insignificant they appear in the moment, have the power to lead to major shifts in perspective. This instance will now become a useful and powerful reminder whenever another situation such as this arises.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Our ego often wants us to hold onto anger, believing furious passion is justified and will help remediate the situation. I'm not one to suggest that suppressing anger is the answer, nor that anger should be shunned at all costs, as this is unrealistic and can be damaging to one's psyche.
Intense anger needs to be expressed and understood in healthy productive ways that resolve whatever led to the emotion. But in situations where anger is completely counterproductive and destructive to our mental well-being, it's best to find ways to not feed this emotion.
In the aforementioned scenario, would having contempt for the person that gave me the finger have done me any good? Of course not. If I had responded back with some time of gesture or angry response, would they have realized they were in the wrong? Nope. The only result would be that I'd start my day irritated and disempowered, again reminded of how powerful my emotions can have over my overall mindset.
Letting go of anger is a difficult process, but in almost every situation it's better than the alternative.
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Here's a neat trick that works for me:
Rather than get angry, my immediate default is to think they must be a surgeon on the way to do a lifesaving transplant from a heart that just arrived on the hospital rooftop via helicopter.
Mental state shifts from being upset for a brief moment to hoping the Dr. makes it in time!
Default reaction (after confirming I didn't do anything incorrectly): Awww. Poor fella (or a family member) just got diagnosed with cancer.
No wonder he's mad at the world.
Quick prayer for him to pull through, and within 10 seconds I've forgotten about it.
This would make a good post...
Thanks for the inspiration Colin!
@scan0017 this is a great tip for person speeding on the highway - I shall pass it on at I take it onboard.
Thanks Colin and @nitego!
We are constantly formulating imaginary scripts in our heads to interpret the world around us...
If you're going to make up an imaginary story (let's face it: our species does that all the time), imagine one that makes the world a more noble and compassionate place.
And people wonder why I'm always so happy...
By blissfully living in a world I choose to interpret in the most positive way in scenarios where I simply can't know the whole story, and has utterly insignificant long term consequences on my life.
It's a clutch move ---> Give it a go! 👍😀
Ha that's incredible and spot on! Ill keep that in my arsenal
@colinhoward it was no small feat to choose your reaction. That my friend was a big win. I had a similar incident yesterday which incidentally was the same day of the event you mentioned above. On my walk back from walking my son to school. I got to the zebra crossing. The vehicles in both direction stopped so I started to cross. Just as I had taken 2 steps the vehicle started to drive towards me. I stepped backwards to avoid being hit. My usual reaction would be to ask her if she was blind? This time instead I found myself concerned for what challenges she could be going through that got her intensely present but not there. She came to herself and was clearly shocked.
I agree with you - how does anger helps us? If we despise someone, who takes the damage from it?
Since, today, anger usually remains inside the one who is angry (you cannot simply take a club and smash someone’s head like you could a couple of millennia ago) and the despised person often doesn’t even know about it or doesn’t care about it, the one who is angry is actually the one that gets hurt from his/her own anger towards someone else.
Thus, it's great that you forgave and move on - not for someone else’s sake, but for your own sake!
As you say, suppression of anger isn't the answer. It's an emotion we all have and experience, so it must have its place (though I haven't quite found it yet :). It generally comes down to what kind of person do we want to be.
There is the golden rule of doing to others as we would have them do unto you. Thus, I would never want anyone to be angry with me, though I could understand it, therefore, I should try to avoid being angry with others. I guess you could apply that to virtually all situations and 'negative' or unproductive emotions and behaviors.
We get opportunities to learn something about ourselves, though, especially from the reactions we have that are unexpected or surprising to us. I've been finding lately that I have a couple of trigger topics that I didn't know I felt so deeply about. So, if I'm just realizing these things, can I expect others to immediately pick up on the reasons why I do what I do or say what I say?
Very well said here. I like how even though you know what to do, and can expertly provide the ways to avoid anger, that you acknowledge that you're still in need of work yourself. That's how we overcome and be better people.
Others will keep annoying off and on but we should not let it affect us at all. I myself hv experienced it. Anger can get anything maddening done from us, so better hv control and stay calm no matter how much angry you r. Nice share dude👍
I never give anyone the finger. You could be the toughest guy in the world but if they have a gun your screwed.
Ha, indeed. Always important to be aware of the possibility that someone could be psycho
I agree with your words sir... we always should let go out anger. If you angry with any topic then you can't do anything normally. We should control our anger & calm down then we can handle all situation easily.👍