For the first time in about a year, my Dad vividly visited me in a dream just before, and I'm overwhelmed. I need to write this down to cope.

Background:

For those who don't know, he raged on me two Augusts ago for half an hour to make sure I knew everything he's hated about me since childhood. He then repeatedly told me with a smirk that he didn't want me as a son anymore before I calmly walked away knowing my life was going to be very different. While he exposed his true previously hidden feelings about me as a projection of his own abusive Father, and caused quite a stir with my Mom, no logical explanation can fix what it feels like to know that a parent had been "acting" like they loved you since your childhood. While this was all just terrible, it finally explained why he treated me so unfairly, and with intermittent bouts of emotional/verbal abuse for decades. It explained why he didn't want to have catches or play chess, or hang up the painting I made for him that he said he'd hang in his office, etc., while I naively believed that he was too tired, and so on...

I'm downplaying it now, but his final verbal attack couldn't have been more brutal and painful, even if I knew these were his problems. It's something I struggle with and will always have a burning sense of "unresolved" about as I can barely think of him or see his pictures anymore. He burned the bridge as much as one could be burned. There's a lot of pain, none I deserved.

We barely said any words to each other until his death from brain cancer months later. The only phrases I can remember over the last 6.5 months are "Can you pass the ketchup," "Thank you," (for helping change his diapers and lift him), "Thanks for taking care of me," and his last words to me, "Take care." Yep, plenty for proper closure ...

He never apologized or said he loved me again, even after I helped with home hospice, and forgave him on his deathbed so he would have peace. No remorse at all. Facing him alone at the end was the hardest moment of my life. I wasn't going to, but everyone insisted that I try. I told him that I didn't deserve how he treated me and that I'd learn how to deal with it. I also told him to come watch a few of my baseball games or band shows. I should've let him have it to not have to handle anguish on the topic for the rest of my life, but I couldn't do it. While he tried to reach for me, I kissed him on his forehead, told him that I loved him, and walked away. Rough stuff.

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Back To The Dream:

The first two times he visited me in dreams over a year ago, it was way too soon, and they were horribly violent experiences. I didn't want him there.

This time was very different and a big surprise. I was sitting in an auditorium setting and he suddenly appeared to my left. I wanted him to disappear or to ignore him. I guess that this was expected, because a second comforting female spirit I didn't recognize hugged me and kept me from shutting down. She was heavy-set and felt very old fashioned, almost Victorian. She encouraged me to face him.

I'm not sure that we said too much on a deep level to address his wrongdoings, but I'll assume that some things were implied. He told me about how he just came from seeing my brother, and that there may be something important he left in his early 1950's Jaguar convertible that's sitting in a garage with my Mom. We didn't exchange much on what should've been addressed at all, but we "spent time." There were no apologies or anything of the sort, which is what I really needed and don't think I'll ever get unless I let it go. We didn't touch. This experience felt like a simple "visit," but it was a billion times better than previous times. It was and still is overwhelming to feel his presence and hear his voice again. I can't explain it properly, but it's intense. It was also good to see him in a healthy manifestation before cancer.

We eventually walked to an alcove with a small marina (one of his hobbies) where he boarded a small boat that was tied to a larger one. I wish there was more time for him to apologize, but I could feel that his time to visit was over. I wasn't going to beg. I also saw my friend's Dad who passed away walking with his sons on the way there.

I got on a larger boat and it started towing the smaller wooden ones with my Dad and several other spirits on their own until they started submerging under water. My Dad and I kept our eyes on each other and he looked peaceful. The spirits seemed like they were on a joy ride, enjoying the experience in the sun and tropical water, but also as if they knew the routine.

I wanted to shout a question if he watches me and hears what I say, but I bit my tongue twice because it was a serene moment for everyone, I was embarrassed, and perhaps I was afraid to know. Maybe I should've, but the words wouldn't come out. We just watched each other. After some more time, the boats in tow seemed to slowly fade into a scene from the 1940s full of old fashioned cars moving slowly in traffic. This would be the era when my Dad was a kid. I woke up.

I looked at the time. It was 8:27 AM. The date my Dad verbally attacked me was 8/18, so it was an interesting coincidence that our short interaction symbolically started on or near the time 8:18 AM as a clue I figured he'd leave to validate the experience since I'd normally shrug it off. Once I saw the time, I got emotional.

I'm not sure how, but my eyes have been tearing nonstop since 8:27 as I try to process and piece my thoughts together before they fade. It's now 10:15 AM. I didn't know this was possible. I feel drained, so I'll try to go back to sleep a bit since I want to have energy for my day.

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If you'd like to read an intense story about the first clue he left, this past post will open your eyes and make you think. This post talks about how I have a picture from the scene of my Mom's car accident where only divine intervention could explain her survival, and distinct faces of my Dad, Uncle, Grandfather and Grandmother can be seen. It's too hard to look at or think about, but it's mind-bending to consider being able to see their faces from the afterlife whenever I want.

Life advice: Never let a bridge stay burned with a parent or loved one when they pass on, even if you were the victim. Get YOUR peace first. Trust me.

Trying to go back to sleep,
@steemmatt