A Shadow That Looms and Deepens

in #personal4 years ago



Source

There used to be a time when I thought that if I were posed a problem and were given some writing materials, it would take me less than an hour to at least gain ground in positing a solution.

In spite of everything an ever-dwindling part of me still feels this way.

I used to believe that every problem was just waiting for an answer.

Perhaps I still do.

And yet here I am wallowing and ever-dying.

Perhaps I should start to regard myself as a problem that needs solving?

Might this bring me a step closer to getting back on track?

It might - but this time is different.

I have been through periods of deep dissatisfaction with both myself and this World I endure.

What is different is that before I took steps through that hopelessness to get to a less hopeless place.

This time for at least three months I have made no headway. All I see is a barren landscape of more hopelessness.

I have fallen to video-game addiction.

Sadly, I seek to justify my very existence through a modicum of success within something that I know to be objectively intangible. To be good and respected within a fake environment. And yet neither of those are true. Any moment I feel that I might be making a breakthrough - I get knocked right down into the 'scrub-zone' - and wail, mostly internally but not always so. I guess there is only so much anguish that a person can hold within before some seeps out. Or maybe its entitlement. I don't know...

Yes I'm "fine". Its just another day in my miserable life. Its like drowning in a blend of 1 part honey, 3 parts cheap chilli powder and 6 parts plaster of Paris - or something like that...

And the video game addiction was the symptom - not the cause. It certainly marked a tipping point - but I was simply functional before - also starved for a modicum of approval.

...

Others have success.

Others have happiness.

The opposite has been not only true of me - but seems to be seared into my very DNA.

And, worse, I feel entitlement creeping in - the bitterness of a life squandered creeping into my personality. I have been tempted to lash out and that disturbs me. Entitlement can be such a toxic and ugly thing.

Writing this feels like an oozing wound. It feels ugly - a representation of what I've become - and in a sense there is nothing but shadows. Shadows all around - and mounting anger, primarily but not exclusively at myself.

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Upvoted (by @rycharde), resteemed (by @accelerator) and has been added to the latest MAP Upvotes post.

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Hang in there bro.
I can not imagin how you must be feeling but as you say, it is a dark and shadowy place.

If your videogame addiction is back for a while, maybe also accept it for a bit. There is not much wrong with that right? My mind is with you (although I know that doesnt help you shit I sill want you to know that)

I used to use videogames a lot as a teenager - and I've played online games in the past decade. It just wasn't like this - I never considered such an addiction.

I can only surmise that a part of me is broken now that wasn't then.

Thank you for the reply and for your thoughts. Don't dwell on it too much though. :c)

I can relate to this, but I did what you kinda hinted at at the start - make your problem the game, turn the addiction towards solving your own personal puzzle. Took me about two years, but learnt a lot in the process.

Yes I need to sort out some kind of a solution.

Some way.

Maybe the puzzle will be easier to resolve tomorrow.

20.000+Followers can see you.(@tenorbalonzo,@hakanlama,@cemalbaba,@asagikulak) Send 0.200 Sbd or Steem. Post link as memo for

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Huh... I've been upvoting since the beginning... but ok. I haven't the energy to argue.

Ah, seems like only 6 upvotes for that week of tier updates. Please note we count upvotes each MONDAY at 12PM UTC. If you upvote at least 7 posts that have not reached payout yet before the deadline then you should be in a higher tier. =)

I now see that your rules have since changed. Well that explains it. I still don't know how I feel about these automatic messages though. Makes me look like a cheapskate...

Thank you for the reply.

I am normally not active, but I remember your name. You are an active community member and while I only read very little on steemit more recently I followed your blogs in the past. So to explain

The only way to let people know about new rules or changes is via comments as most in steemit have found their niche. As always I personally appreciate that you have been voting for qurator all this time. What can we do to get you more engaged in our community again?

The problem isn't Qurator*. Its me (cheesy but true). I feel that I might be on the mend but I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. :c)

I appreciate your feedback @boontjie.

  • A comment clarifying that a user is a Tier-0 suggests that the person doesn't contribute. I now know its up-vote 7 posts or bust.

Hmmm. I have been talking to the Q people and we might close down the tier to new entrants soon. There is a lot of backlash, and it is normally from the QT0 community. Some feel they been put there unjustly and I mostly agree, but the whole thing is automated tier counts. It is just too much admin to do on a case by case basis. I will talk to the mods though about your tier. I am sure we can at least bump you up to T1. One vote isnt the end of the world

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Bro you need to get out more, join a group, donate your time to a charity, get some human interaction and you'll be fine.

I came to your post through the MAP post by rycahrd/accelerator. I don't want to sound like I am going around and self-promoting, but here I am telling you about an initiative I am running. It is called the 5-min freewrite. I give a daily prompt and people set a timer and write whatever comes to mind.
Many claim that it has been very therapeutic for them and we recently had the prompt depression and more than one wrote how the daily freewrite helped them to break through and feel better.
If you are up for it, we love for you to write with us. just look at my profile for the blue graphics...

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