Dr. The Leaping Koala_ my journey in life # 6_ Why I was born?_Part 2

I come back to my personal story to continue writing about my journey to figure out why I was born, if there is anything to be figured out.

In Part 1 of the story I told you in a nutshell about my family, especially my mother and her unhappiness and unwillingness to have the child (me) that was conceived and lived inside of her until born, despite all her efforts to prevent it. The only effect that her antiquated trials of abortion (using home remedies) had, was speeding up the delivery, and so, at about 7 months of pregnancy time, I was born.

Quoted from part 1:
"As I spent the first few months of my life confined inside a hospital incubator, eager anticipation of my rapid departure was building up after the verdict of having possible developmental debilitations was given...."

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My seemingly feeble being refused to give in and carried on living, even if it was hardly welcomed. Even more than just living, I stubbornly defied the wishful verdict of developmental abnormalities that was used to justify the cold welcome I received when arriving to this world. I became a sponge that was fresh and ready to absorb any knowledge it was given. I started fluently speaking in both Arabic and English languages by the age of two, just by hearing my other siblings speak it or by listening to the radio or watching TV. I was counting and performing mathematical calculations much advanced to my age and I started showing talents for poetry, portrait sketching and abstract art.

I was such an obviously different child to the point that my father, who is very resistant to showing any emotions, became noticeably affectionate and proud of me, which was to everyone's surprise. As this continued to happen, the love and recognition I received from my father further ostracized me from my siblings and even from my mother who became even more upset and distant.

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However, as I grew older and my body as well as talents grew with me, my father became highly disconcerted and told me once "You are my best child; I wish you were born a boy". Unaware of how perturbed he was or why, I felt very sad and dejected at the time. With every passing day, my delight for being loved by my father slowly faded away as his appreciation of me diminished steadily and until such time where I felt that I was not only rejected by my mother and siblings, but also my father was rejecting my existence as a girl.

As if that was not enough, my life became extremely difficult when my father’s health began to decline as rapidly as the influence of my elder brother, who was overly and religiously controlling, increased. As he, and my other older brothers, began governing every aspect of my life, what I could call living life somewhat as a human being came to an end, while living as a lifeless zombie became the norm. I was not allowed to leave home, visit friends or commute to school without permission. I was prohibited from applying to medical school, as it required mixing between genders! My school years were spent between my room and the classroom. Funny how I loved going to school as it was considered the highlight of my daily life, where I could see different people living and laughing.

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As my life force withered away, I forsook my talents, my curiosity, and anything that makes me different in an attempt to conform. I hated myself, my body, my face and even more than anything, I hated the fact that I was born a girl! I remembered my father's words over and over again

"I wish you were born a boy"

and wished they were true.

Had I been born a boy I would be free to do what I want, when I want and how I want. I will always be praised, whether I am doing good or bad, as long as I am a boy. I will always be forgiven and given all I wanted, no matter how smart or stupid I am, as long as I am a boy. I will always be loved and accepted, no matter how honorable or horrible I am, as long as I was a boy.

"Why was I born a girl not a boy?" I kept asking myself, as I felt powerless and worthless. "Why was I born at all?" as I felt with every passing day that I wanted to die.

“Only if I could be reborn..." So I wished...

To be continued...

Dr. The leaping koala :)

Many thanks for reading, commenting and upvoting

P.S: Thanks to @scrooger for the divider :)

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