Learn to detach from outcomes - it will help you

I wish it were as simple as this, that by reading one article written by me that you can suddenly transform your life into awesome awesomeness. I really do. But I hope, I wish, that whatever I write gives you at least some insight into your own personal affairs to set right what you need to set right -- if it needs to be set right at all. If not, just sit back and enjoy the read!

I was always a man for being attached to outcomes. I'd white knuckle ride the outcome like I was an old Scottish pensioner holding onto a 50 pence piece that he just found on the floor. I'd set myself unrealistic targets and be utterly devastated when I wouldn't achieve them; like sitting in my bed, eating chocolate and watching Netflix devastated. It wasn't fair. Why the hell was life so mean to me when all of my friends were successful and championing their own businesses by now. My friend Ben was running his own business with at least 10 men under his guidance, and Steve, he was the same, he had at least 6. I could barely manage a knees up in a brewery; why couldn't I be successful like them? They always make the right choices and the right decisions. Mine are always wrong.

I've heard that men see the world in more black and white terms than women do. Right and wrong, rather than several hundred shades of grey. That was my first mistake. I could never seen past one or the other; that my outcomes were either right or wrong, good or bad, and if the outcome was wrong then it was essentially making me a bad person. It was a significant player into why I was hating on myself a lot at the time. I didn't get that sometimes there are no good outcomes to what was on the table and that just sometimes you have to go with what you think is the best option -- I really, really didn't get that. Life isn't good or bad, right or wrong, it's essentially a whole mix of decisions and the outcomes from those decisions. Once I learned that sometimes you just can't make a decision that's a good one then I began to see myself in a different light, that perhaps I had myself pegged all wrong. That perhaps I was just someone that was trying to do good but was slightly misguided. You know these people right? They mean well but make the worst decisions ever. That was me.

I really struggled to learn to stand up on my own two feet and own my decisions though. That one was a hard feat. I remember the great feeling of elation that overcame me when I realised that perhaps I was just someone trying to do good, but it shortly evaporated after I had to learn to own the decisions that I made. I was always one for making a poor decision and running away and hiding from the consequences if it was a bad outcome. I was shit scared of any kind of conflict or upheaval whatsoever I would flee for the covers and hide under my blanket. It was hard learning to stand up for what I believed in and the ramifications that followed. But that's where I learned about risk.

I was the most risk adverse person you could possibly ever meet. To give you a fly on the wall perspective of the situation; I'd literally refuse women that practically threw themselves at me because they didn't directly ask for what they wanted, because I was scared, no, petrified of rejection and failure. Risk is the starting point and ending point of change. If you won't step out into the unknown then you will never do anything that you haven't before. Risk was my major barrier; my emotions had been abused so much by my father that I was literally scared to put a step into the unknown anywhere. His mocking tone and harsh words I'd hear in the back of my mind constantly. But sometimes you just have to take that risk, sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith. I like to equivolate risk with exposure therapy. The more you risk something then the better at it you become. This is how I conquered risk anyway. So I started with women. I began to ask them out.

Sometimes with risk though I had to be prepared for failure because that's the thing with risk, failure is inevitable. Sometimes when I asked women if they wanted to go out on a date they would tell me to fuck off, and you know, it was embarrassing and uncomfortable but it prepared me to deal with rejection; getting rejected more than a few times. But with all this attempting risk and messing up an awesome thing happened to me. I began accepting that my approach was wrong so I started to adjust what I was doing wrong, and eventually I met the woman of my dreams.

See where I'm going with this here? Risk > Acceptance of Failure > Accountability > Adjusting my behaviour to suit. So I've stopped beating myself up now about getting things wrong, and yes, I own up to all my bad decisions and try and not make the same mistake twice. Adjusting my behaviour accordingly has really helped me detach from the outcome because I'm not so prepared to get it right anymore. I mean I try, but I'm a realist in the sense that I understand I'm never going to get things spot on with the first attempt. Rome wasn't created in a day, and neither was the Google empire! I like to live in the moment now. I understand now that things aren't as set in stone as they appear to be, and sometimes we just need to roll with whatever is laid out in our paths. Some may call it letting God show you the way if you're into that sort of thing. I like to call it going with the flow of where the world takes you.

Hope this helps, friends,

Peace out :)

Think I have game? :)

Check out some of my previous posts!!

Are you a manager and are you invested in your staff?
A second, and more in depth Introduction
I want people to like me. Do you?
Support is necessary in a loving relationship
I'm human and I think you are too. Fuck labels. I'm tired of them.
A message for the survivor amongst us (If you're listening)
My vulnerability exposed
Sometimes I feel like a fraudster
How my autism affects being a Dad
So you're going to be a Dad?
I am aware of my privilege but I don't understand it

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