My vulnerability, exposed

I had a long conversation with @chrismccron earlier today and he was impressed with how I allow myself to be vulnerable around others. I'd like to deepen this discussion for him personally, and anyone else that wants to read it.

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There’s a strict trio of morals that I like to run my life by. It’s something that I’ve only adopted recently, in the past five years. I have become happier, more motivated and I’m currently living the life that I've always wanted to. It’s something that has slowly grown on me over the years because self-healing and growth takes quite a bit of time. It’s not something I one day woke to and said, yay! I’m a happy person now.

##Honesty, Safety and Trust.

I treat everyone with honesty, safety and trust. And because of that it feels safe to be around me. People generally open up to me, sometimes they don’t know they are doing so. I’ve had people tell me, "wow, I don’t usually tell people these sorts of things." And they do this because they feel safe. They feel safe in their mind that telling me such things that they won't be judged for it. It’s a natural habit I have, or flaw perhaps, that people generally open up to me. I’m naturally curious too.

##Be the change in the world that you want to see.

If I wanted to be treated with respect I wouldn’t sit there and get angry about people not treating me with respect. I would start outwardly giving respect when none is shown to me. In time, that way of life becomes a natural standard, and those that have none for you, regardless, slip away, and those that have lots, bond even deeper.

I know, you’re wondering right now why and how it changed my world? Sounds quite counter-productive when the world is a mess right now. Well, I’ll break it down into the three core elements, because it’s too difficult for me to explain otherwise.

##Honesty

Honesty scares the life out of some people. Scares the shit out of them. Narcissists run for the hills and other toxic people fade away into the background, disappearing without a trace. The core part of honesty is being honest with yourself. You can’t be honest with other people if you aren’t being honest with your own self. Perhaps you keep telling yourself that the man you’re with will change, but deep down you know that he hasn’t made any effort thus far. Or that you have a chance with that special lady but all she does is date other guys when you’re right there, in front of her, ready and waiting. You know she knows.

The mind is a strange thing. It doesn’t like emotional pain. It will do anything, everything, to keep you distracted from the truth that is sitting right there in front of you. Ever had a feeling that something isn't quite right but mr(s) mind keeps talking you out of it? There we are.

“I not like pain, Sir. Here, have something shiny instead”

Being honest with myself was literally a mind-blowing experience. When I faced up to the things that were holding me back; the lies I was telling myself to live a pain free and emotionally numb life, then I had been freed from the shackles of self-doubt. I had literally ripped those chains off with a vengeance that Denzel Washington in Man on Fire would have been proud of. There was no self-doubt anymore, because I was fully aware of my flaws, and had accepted them for what they were.

Everyone is flawed, by the way, and everyone can see the flaws on others. The hardest part is to accept that those flaws are ours to bare.

##Safety

I like safety. I generally like to feel comfortable wherever I am at any point of the day. There are sometimes I don’t feel safe but that’s because I’m taking some sort of risk, like physically talking in front of a large crowd of people. I hate that, but sometimes I just have to do it to get my work out there. As long as it’s controlled risk then I'm fine.

I’ve stopped judging myself now. I’ve learned to be honest with myself and accept that I’m flawed. I rarely judge myself harshly anymore. I was that kind of person beforehand that would set impossible targets for myself and then persecute the fuck out of myself when I failed. It was a horrible, vicious cycle. I’d judge, I’d scathe, I’d be angry. The fallout of this had me judging others quite harshly, but I realise now that it was my mind showing me an easy way out. It is easier to judge others than to judge yourself as they say.

I feel safe around myself because I don’t judge anymore. I accept that some decisions I’ve made in the past and still make now haven’t been the best, and I look at a positive way of overcoming the situation so it doesn’t happen again. And because I feel safe with myself, others do too. I rarely judge others, because I accept myself and understand the everyone is flawed in some way. Understanding is the key.

##Trust

Trust is a big one. If people don’t trust me, then I may as well be on planet Mars and I'll have an easier life. Trust walks hand in hand with honesty. If I'm honest with myself and others then it’s easier to trust me. Break any of the first two and this goes out with it. Trust is one of the highest levels of awesomeness another human can give me.

The biggest turnaround for me was learning to trust myself. If I can’t trust myself then how will I ever be able to trust anyone else? I’ll be with me for the rest of my life whether I like it or not. I’m going to need to trust me with my life. Trusting myself came from an angle of making decisions and owning up to them, and trusting that I would be able to manage the consequences. Again, the brain likes to show me something shiny when it comes to owning up to bad decisions and their consequences, but as soon as I conquer that hurdle then my deepest fantasies are my oyster.

I trust pretty much everyone that I meet, because I’m on a deep level of trust with myself, it’s only when they break that trust that they fall from grace. Innocent until proven guilty in my mind.

And then…

Can you imagine that? Trust, honesty and safety? With everyone? The world is your oyster. Take it on and let it be yours. I’m no pinnacle of society, or better at living than anyone else, only that it is a good, deep grounding for any one person to see the world.