Tearing Down the Wall

in life •  3 years ago  (edited)

For those of you who are unaware, I recently opened up about writing on two separate accounts and trying to differentiate them through a tactic I learned is called "sock puppetry": this one, @perspective, as well as @honeyscribe. If you want to know more about the what and why, you can find my explantation here. I was sad to be put in a position to compromise my anonymity on this platform further, but I decided to own my mistakes because there has been enough hurt on this platform. I don't want to contribute to that, especially when writing here has offered me some healing.

Still, with my admission, my intention was to stop writing on Steemit altogether. It felt unsafe to stay. There was a contingent of Steemians who were insistent on my unmasking regardless of my safety. To be honest, I still feel uneasy. After looking at my choices, I saw they were essentially either live my life in fear or keep doing what I love.

I came here to write about the parts of my life that have been silenced. Isolation is a major component of abuse. Here, I have found a small community of people who share in my experiences. It is not something I want to turn my back on. Like with the women's group I attended, this is a space where we can come together in support of one another. I need that. I have seen others here who thrive on contact as well. When we come together, we break down the walls our abusers built around us.

It is easy to fall right back into the mindset of victim, especially when aspersions (whether purposeful or misdirected) are publicly cast. My impulse was to crawl in a hole and be angry at the world. To put masks on over my masks, make myself smaller, shame myself since I have moved on from those who have taught me I deserve shaming. I almost folded up and quit, slipping once more into silence and isolation. That is not who I want to be, nor is it how I want to live.

Happily, louder than those who wished me stripped and displayed were those who wished me well.

When I stated I planned to leave, many spoke up that they wished I would stay. I was not expecting that turn of events. I want to do stay! I want to keep writing here, on both accounts. With @honeyscribe, I will undertake Project Positivity alongside @lifeisawesome, @kushed and a contingent of whales. I will also keep writing on issues of positivity based out of personal experience.

Here, I think I may write a touch darker. This may be the place where I can explore my fear, anger and sadness while keeping to my original goal of changing my perspective. This may include Dani. She is a persona I put on much like glasses, bringing my choices of perception into clearer focus. She has put me in touch with poetry and nature, both of which were doors shut for too long. She is a key of sorts. A superhero costume. What I am saying is, I am learning to recognize many unexpected tools and make better use of them.

For a time, writing as Dani stopped my nightmares. I do not know why it is scary to admit that. It makes sense when you consider I was tackling my fears through her, spinning them into sunshine.

I think there is a shortage in the world of dedicated positivity. I see no reason not to write about it through both accounts, although I will try to differentiate my topics. As it has been from the beginning, all of my content will be original.

What I would love is to know your ideas and concerns. Is there anything you would like me to write on? I hope you will let me know.

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

Some jealous, evil and coward people around, but just stay strong!
Good, bright and wonderful people are here too, and they are in the majority ;D
Don't listen to any accusations and keep posting! Good luck!

Thank you!

I don't believe most people understand the dynamics of abuse, especially abuse by a personality-disordered person where your entire world is twisted and distorted in ways that can severely affect your psychological well-being. Kudos to you for your bravery, for speaking out, for confronting the white elephant in the room, for confronting yourself. As a fellow abuse survivor, we leave these relationships seeking safety and peace only to fall into deep depression as we attempt to resolve our feelings of complicity and shame. We are not to blame for what happened--but time and time again we are forced to examine those things in us that left us vulnerable to the machinations of these toxic and destructive people. It is through sharing and empathy that we will slay the dragon.

I agree. It is very layered. There are days when I feel completely "normal" and days when air triggers my need to hide. Sharing makes it better because doing so stakes my claim in the world while allowing me to process. Thank you for reading and for your presence.

I enjoy your writings! What a waste of talent it would be for you not share it.

Thank you @team101!

It would be interesting to hear about the stalking assuming you are comfortable talking about it. This is an issue that happens more easily due to the online connectedness of the modern world and it is something which is often not given the attention it deserves. All the best.

I will think about this. It is hard to feel safe disclosing any details in case they find them. This person shows up everywhere I am and slides their way into whatever I'm doing. I can talk about how that makes me feel easier than I can give specific details on what they do to make me feel that way. I will say the worst part is it looks friendly to the outside world, but when I stop communicating to them the way they expect, they begin threatening me privately.

Totally understand (as much as I can not being in that situation). Please only do what you feel is safe. Maybe you could do a general post in how to deal with such things. All the best:)

nice post. interesting to read. upvoted.

Thank you!

Nice story!
@alex2016

Thank you!

To answer your farewell prompt... yea, I'd be curious to know what exactly were those parts of your life that have been silenced. I am even more curious whether you would make $420 for each of those now un-silenced parts.

Cheers

When I talk about silencing, I am referring to some aspects of my identity. As @honeyscribe, I wrote about sexuality which is not a safe topic for me IRL. Here I have talked about emotional abuse from a person I loved very much and who used that to hurt me. As to numbers, I don't know. I never know how a post will do. I'm happy this one did so well because I interpret it to mean my topic/voice is welcome.