I carry the blame with me all day everyday.
I have wrote about my daughters problems ADHD ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER, ODD OPPOSITONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER & ASPERGERS quite a bit but what I haven't said to much about is how we think this happened. When I was pregnant with Jess she was very active, moving around a lot which Is a good sign. I didn't go into labour nothing happened so after 14 days after her due date I was booked in to be started labour which they use pessaries, this didn't work, I then had my waters broken which still didn't start anything off. Nothing got me moving, I was getting labour pains but my cervix wouldn't dilate. seems I have a wonky cervix as it happened with my 2nd child too.
They had a heart rate monitor which started to show she was going into to distress so I was rushed down to theater where I received an emergency casaerean. Once they had Jess out and safe they found the cord was wrapped around her neck 3 times, If I had given birth there was a high chance I would have lost her this still knocks me sick.
Her problems could be related to her brain being starved of oxygen. This is what the Drs think and find its the frontal lobe of the brain that suffers.
The sad thing is I blame myself, it was my body that wouldn't work the way it should, it was my body that tried to strangle her. This breaks my heart everyday that is my fault she has to suffer, when she phones me she's having a really bad day I hold it together to talk her through it then once the conversation is over I break down. I blame my self and have done since she was born.
I'm not writing this for sympathy I'm writing this to see if other Mothers feel the same, its not talked about alot but I can imagine there are a few others out there who feel the same way I do.
I'm here if you want to talk.
We had the same problem with my 2nd daughter another emergency casaerean, this time the cord was wrapped around her body, Nicky wasn't breathing but thankfully they managed too sort that out and thankfully she doesn't have Jessica's problems.
Thank you son-of-satire
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Forgiving ourselves seems to be one of the hardest things to do. I'm thankful to hear that your daughter isn't resentful.
I hope you'll be able to let go of such dark feelings. Bad things happen to everyone everywhere all the time. I'm pretty sure that's one of the things that motivates us to look towards God for ultimate solutions! ;)
😄😇😄
It does help when she tells me she doesn't blame me :)
:) :) :)
@karen54 it's difficult to go through thst experience. I can tell you from my experience, that children have the umbilical cords around their necks more often than we think. My daughter was born naturally, but she too, had the umbilical cord around her neck three times. I was scared to find out later about it and researched it. It's more common than we think. It's a scary thought to think we cause this to our children, but also have in mind that doctors try to find a reason for everything. We may never know why some children are born with problems and others not. I do know that God does not give us anything that we cannot take or surpass. Be strong for yourself and for her. You are a great mom for supporting her in all you can. Have a great day!
Thank you for your kind words. Being a mum is a joy but also brings with it a lot of misery when things like this happen
Your story is moving. I can understand your pain as I have a child who struggles with similar issues. Count your daughters good days as blessings. Tenoxygen depravation of a newborn is really a medical mystery; furthermore, there have been newborns classified as stullbirths to be later found breathing and alive in the morgue. The basic survival instinct is a powerful thing that some newborns possess and sadly others do not. Your body knew it could not delever a baby alive that day. The distress signal prevented your labor, caused your cervix to not dilate and your body to fully say hell no to delivering your daughter naturally. It did this because it sensed something was wrong and the baby was in distress when labor kicked in. Had the surgical option of dilevery not been offered your daughter could have sadly been a stillbirth. Your body prevented this, there is no shame in your body being in tune enough to keep you and your offspring alive under extreme circumstances. I died several times during birth, heart fully stopped beating, for minutes at a time. I later developed schizophrenia after having excelled when thought I would be permanently disabled from birth. My mom blames herself and regrets not filing a lawsuit against the doctor. The doctor refused to see me as a patient, even as an adult in the er when he was the only doctor present. Refused to handle my care because he knew he made a mistake. Do I feel anger, not one bit. I am thankful to have life. Could my life have been better? Possibly but maybe not. We can look back and say to change this one thing could result in a huge benefit but that is wishing daydreaming on memories. Enjoy the moment, friend. Just enjoy the moment your in :) blessings to you.
Thank you for your lovely reply it really means alot. I have tried to get my head around it but it always comes down to me. Reading your reply has gave me something else to think about. Thank you :)
well wishes sent your way!
Thank you :)
(((((((karenb54)))))))))
Short term guilt helps us to change what needs to be changed but long term guilt is useless, harmful and is a lie that you do not deserve.
Thank you, its hard to change aftet 25 years, my daughter doesn't blame me so that's a bonus :)
Yes it is hard but ilf it wasn't evyone would do it. As each attack of guilt comes have a favorite saying or scripture or visual. Even if you have to say it many times. It will take time but I know it works and your child needs your love not your guild. If you can love yourself through anything you can love others. This is an important thing for you to do >for yourself and your family. Don't believe this lie .
Thank you that means alot :)
The only birth I have really been involved in was almost 52 years ago, so I don't remember much of it. So I can't really tell you how to feel about that.
I can empathize about guilt however.
Your child was squirming away inside you and got wrapped in the cord.
Did you do anything to stop or prevent this from happening?
Could you have done anything to stop this or prevent it from happening?
No?
Then you have done nothing to feel guilty for. If it was in your power to prevent your child from wrapping herself in the cord, or if you could have unwrapped her yourself and didn't do it, then you might have some cause to feel guilty.
But you could not have physically done anything about it. The doctors may have been able to do something, but then again maybe not.
So don't dwell on it. No amount of guilt or rumination can change what happened. So just try to make today and tomorrow as good as you can for yourself and your family. That's something you can do.
:-)
That's very true, its hard to change how you think after 25 years, I have done so much research on it but still comes down to me but after at last opening up about how I feel as hubby and my daughter hand just find out they don't blame me :)
Having lived with a mother for fifty mumble years I know that no mother would do anything to deliberately hurt an unborn child. You had no way of preventing the unborn's activity because that is nature at its finest. The doctor couldn't have known what was happening to the baby's cord before birth. You are both lucky you were in a situation where an emergency cesarean could be performed.
There are ACCIDENTS that are unplanned, unknown and catch people unprepared, there is no blame for this and worrying about it won't fix anything. Enjoy the good days you have, live through the bad looking forward to the next good day.
Worry is a bit like wishing, and as my grandfather told me as I was learning to walk " wish in one hand, piss in the other, and see which one fills the fastest". Replace wish with worry and you have the same result.
Thank you, Very wise words, I try not to but when she suffers so do I liked every mother but constant thoughts of if I had done something else. To late for those thoughts I know she's here she survived and we get through the bad together.
Bugger the bad, look and remember the good, the glass is not only half full it is about to overflow. Get in there girl. Best wishes to your better half.
Thank you. We are both still here fighting :)
It's easy to say you shouldn't blame yourself but I guess as a parent and particularly a mother, impossible not to.
It is hard I was the one carrying her no one else.
I want to slap you silly now! Fate determines how our bodies work. I + baby would have been dead 3X if medical technology was not available. I was also not able to breastfeed, which I felt terribly guilty about after the birth of my first child, until I slapped myself silly. There are things in life you have no control of, and it is like that for a reason. Feeling guilty when you did not purposely do something serves no purpose other than to make you miserable.! (PS: luckily you live across the ocean!)
Thank you, belive me I felt those slaps lol I have started to open up how I feel both my hubby and daughter don't blame me and both think I am daft for thinking like that. And yeah I'm staying over this side of the ocean lol Thank you :)
I regret what you had to spend dear friend @ karenb54, I am not who to say if you should or should not blame yourself for the situation, as you say it is good to transmit your experiences to other mothers, thank you very much for that
Thank you @jlufer, its something I need to deal with after 25 years of bringing me down :)
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