RE: I carry the blame with me all day everyday.
Your story is moving. I can understand your pain as I have a child who struggles with similar issues. Count your daughters good days as blessings. Tenoxygen depravation of a newborn is really a medical mystery; furthermore, there have been newborns classified as stullbirths to be later found breathing and alive in the morgue. The basic survival instinct is a powerful thing that some newborns possess and sadly others do not. Your body knew it could not delever a baby alive that day. The distress signal prevented your labor, caused your cervix to not dilate and your body to fully say hell no to delivering your daughter naturally. It did this because it sensed something was wrong and the baby was in distress when labor kicked in. Had the surgical option of dilevery not been offered your daughter could have sadly been a stillbirth. Your body prevented this, there is no shame in your body being in tune enough to keep you and your offspring alive under extreme circumstances. I died several times during birth, heart fully stopped beating, for minutes at a time. I later developed schizophrenia after having excelled when thought I would be permanently disabled from birth. My mom blames herself and regrets not filing a lawsuit against the doctor. The doctor refused to see me as a patient, even as an adult in the er when he was the only doctor present. Refused to handle my care because he knew he made a mistake. Do I feel anger, not one bit. I am thankful to have life. Could my life have been better? Possibly but maybe not. We can look back and say to change this one thing could result in a huge benefit but that is wishing daydreaming on memories. Enjoy the moment, friend. Just enjoy the moment your in :) blessings to you.
Thank you for your lovely reply it really means alot. I have tried to get my head around it but it always comes down to me. Reading your reply has gave me something else to think about. Thank you :)
well wishes sent your way!
Thank you :)