⏺My biggest insecurity: My blind eye.. Part 2
This is part 2 from my previous post. If you haven't yet, I recommend you give part 1 a thorough read-through first, before reading part 2! If you have finished part 1, then enjoy!
Up came high-school, and by this point I had given-up on my glasses already. I really wanted to make a change, but I was just to kind to myself to ever stand up to it. I could never look people in the face (At least I felt this way), because I was too afraid of what they would think of me if they found out.
Yes, it's visible.
Because my eye is blacked-out, the pupil is constantly dilated. I think many people are too afraid to say something because they are scared they might hurt my feelings, or upset me, but I don't really know what to think anymore. The worst was when I tried to stand-up to myself, and the first girl I ever tried to talk to decided to be the most judge-mental girl in the school. She got completely freaked-out and asked me to stop looking at her. I was completely shocked, and heart-broken.. I would then question myself if maybe she was right.. Maybe I was just some monster, and that I would need to just stop fooling myself. This made me the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. I would for go weeks without talking to people.. I would cry myself to sleep every single night.. Blaming God for putting this burden on me.. I just had tears running down my face while typing this paragraph. I sometimes forget how far the journey has really been, and now that I'm thinking back, I honestly don't know how I got through it.
It took about 3 years, when I realized that the only thing that would make me feel better is if I simply forgive myself. Forgive Luke for doing what he did. Forgive God (At the time, who I was blaming). Forgive the people who thought it was alright to judge a book by it's cover. That's honestly the only way I can see how you can get through any obstacle.
I usually forget about this, but because of the previous trauma to my eye, I went through a ton of physical pain too. I honestly didn't know how to cope with the pain at the time, and I didn't really communicate with anyone about how I was feeling, but my eye was paining 24/7. Every time I think of it, my focus filter will slide a little onto my eye, and I will feel pain again. You see? The pain never went away. My eye is in tremendous amounts of pain right now. Honestly, it feels like the combination of someone pouring shampoo onto your eye, mixed with someone shooting an elastic band. At the same time! All the time! Once I accepted that it's not going to change, I had no choice but to simply shift my focus onto the things I could change, like the way I saw things.
I used-to envy all my friends who had both eyes, and wish that if my friend had not thrown that stone into my eye, how much better-off I would be. I suppose these things happen to make us stronger. But you know what? I am honestly grateful that it happened to me. I have learnt to stop caring about what other people think of me. To stop thinking about the pain, because no matter how much I think of it, it will not go away. Sometimes I break-down, and cry a little, if you don't do this at some point, then you're not human.. But i feel blessed that God has put me to the test.
I have let this drag me down for the last 11 years.. The person you perceive me as today, is not the same person I have been for many years. I only really started improving myself almost 2 years ago. Sometimes people's lives look great on a piece of paper.. They may be perceived of living so amazingly, but everyone has insecurities. Sometimes I really am grateful for the things that have happened to me. When you get into a routine of just taking in all the shit in your life, absorbing everything coming to you, it might not feel like it right away, but you are getting stronger every single time.
I got the biggest shock the one day when I went to go and see the counselor. My brother had just had a stroke. It was the second most depressing time of my life. I thought he was going to die. The counselor asked me to tell her what was on my mind. Best for her if she didn't. 45 minutes later she was speechless from the amount of things I had to go through. Not saying that to sound cool, just making a point that we don't always realize the things we actually go through. I am sure many other people have gone through some tough situations too.
Look, at the end of the day, it's just a choice whether to live life, no matter what the situation, or to simply feel-sorry for ourselves, accepting defeat. Don't let your insecurities stop you from being your best. I am a believer that everything has a meaning, a purpose, a time and a place. No matter what you are going through, I know it can be tough, sometimes even too much to handle, but just know that for every down, there is an up.
Take these things as tests. Prove to life that no matter what happens to you, that you will not surrender! That you will keep moving forward no matter what! Because that's how winning is done.
I realize this was is a very long post. I hope you have been able to read until the end. I really let-loose.
My previous motivational post:
⏺My biggest insecurity: My blind eye.. Part 1 (Never opened-up about this before)
My previous image-gallery post:
📽Anime gallery: Berserk (Part 2)
My previous milestone:
🖊 My first 30 days on Steemit! Over 3000+ posts!
My main Instagram account is currently at 36.4K+ Followers.
It is strange. You are stranger, but your words is so intimate. I we would know each other you probably would never share your feelings. Thank you for writing it!
I am strange? :D
Well, thanks.. I guess :P I'm not sure if my words being intimate is a good thing or a bad thing, but thanks!
Talk soon.
Well, my friend as I have said yesterday, you have suffered a lot may be a lot more people I have ever seen in my life suffering from many problems. But after all this, you have come out of that situation greatly. You're a fighter my friend, you have defeated the envy, you have defeated the miseries and now it's your time to rise. I am highly inspired by your struggle my friend. I just wish you all the health and all the luck in near future :) Love you brother @enazwahsdarb
Thank you for those brilliant words brother! Really awesome of you.
Now is the time. We all just need to put our worries aside! There has never been a better time to just do things, than right now! let's do this.
Talk soon my friend.
Thanks for being an awesome part of my success team bro! Here's a little comment-boost :) Talk soon.
some good words here: "Gratitude and Forgiveness"
Gratitude is the greatest living Attitude.
Forgiveness without self is too miss the real gift of what it means to be for Giving. Self-forgiveness is the tool to remove all the shit that gets in the way of clarity...you know, 'Our Physical Awareness'. It's a gift we give to ourselves because we got it to give!
Awesome, in-depth comment brother! Beast.
So true! Talk soon.
Today, my friend, I have no words that would be appropriate, so I have to say it with a video or two:
never give up:
Damn brother.. Thank you for that. Really awesome of you :)
We just need to stay positive and look forward. There is a better situation waiting for us, if we can just catch sight of it, we can obtain it! Let's get there :)
Talk soon.
Thank you brother. I appreciate your awesome engagement all the time.
Here's a comment boost :) Talk soon!
aww im so sorry of all the things you've been thru, to all your burdens and sufferings. Are you ok now? It was nice to see how you keep fighting! you are brave! I believe that no one can put you down! you stand up and show them that you've changed a lot! you are braver and positive thinker! keep it up brave man. You are right that you don't surrender! keep fighting until you achieve what you wanna be. The more they let you down the more you stand up!
Im hoping that soon I can see you that you achieved your goals. :)
~haley
Ah thanks Haley :) Really sweet words!
'Brave man', I like that.. Is that my new name? :P
Ain't nobody gonna stop us! Can't stop, won't stop :D No but seriously, thank you for your kindness. You are really awesome!
Talk soon my friend :)
I am happy you found me! :))
Join my #bellyrubchallenge :)
I love the way you post and everything! GREAT JOB!
Thank you brother! I appreciate that. I gave you a follow :)
Talk soon my dude!
You had me crying with this post - just comprehending the amount of pain you go through every day. Thank you for sharing this story, Zane. You are a perfect example of someone who has made the decision to turn a bad situation into a good one. Those are the winners in life.
I feel this way about the struggles I've gone through. You are correct, we all have them. I wish more people could decide that struggles are a gift - they give us this inner power if we choose it (if that makes sense). I REALLY feel bad for those who are stuck in their struggles and decide that they are a curse. No one can make/help them take the stronger path.
Thank you again for your kind words my friend!
I totally agree with that last part. At the end of the day, it's simply a choice whether to accept defeat, or take it as a challenge.. By the way, I LOVE challenges :D LOL.
But yeah, I suppose I also feel bad for those people, not particularly because of their situation, but rather because of their decision.
Thanks for your awesome comment. Lady-Boss! Talk soon.
Sorry mate, could not comment before because of the internet Issue!
Very good! Upvoted
All good brother! The point is you stuck to it and stayed awesome! :D
And hey! This very reply is my 4000th engagement (post) on Steemit. I will now take a snapshot for my next milestone :)
Talk soon.
Good to talk to you@ Thank you.
Wow. Like yesterday I can only be amazed 😊
Such great spirit even after being trough so much. Taking a traumatic situation in to a great thing. You are so inspiring, and you are right.
It's our choice how we choose to cope with it.
You have risen 😃 won the battle
Upvoted and Resteemed
Lots of Love and admiration ❤️❤️ talk later
Ah thank you Sara! If I can inspire other with my words, then my job is pretty much complete :)
Thank you for resteeming!! As always, you are a Lady-Boss! Talk soon my friend.
You do, truly inspire people 😊 me included.
You never stop, cause with every post you raise and gets more inspiring. You have opened up so much lately and showed a softer side of you but still managed to stay so strong.
Remarkable.
You are welcome I love resteem great posts,and you are the one I love the most.
Talk soon my Man-king yours Lady-boss
Wow....enough said!!!
Hahaha agreed :)