Honest Satire ;) - The Last Horoscope You'll Ever Need ;) Week of August 7-13

in #life7 years ago (edited)

My fellow Steemians! Be amazed and awed by your week ahead! You will nourish old habits and give birth to new. The stars have informed me you will make decisions and have to think and ponder outcomes.

The long anticipated Steemit Horoscope is here. Your Guide to the Random, @ArbitraryKitten , has slaved over the hot cosmos and held the ancient and mysterious charts for ransom to bring you delicious advice and mesmeric tips to enable your week a full and glorious 7 days.

Enjoy the foretelling of your fun and fantastic future!

Aries

March 21 - April 19

When you are feeling doubtful you must weigh your options carefully. The pros and cons and positives and negatives, and examine the possible outcomes. By doing this the choices will become more obvious. Life is beginning to appear more interesting to you this week, and you must take full advantage by nourishing the exciting and fun. When you water the plants you want, they grow healthy and strong. Brush only the teeth you wish to keep.

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

What is the point of life? What is the meaning? You have asked this question but you already know what to do. Do not allow fear to control the direction of your life- treat it like a horror film at the theater and throw popcorn. Trust your instincts. It might be scary, but no great things were ever done on the couch in your dirty undaroos. Just remember you don’t have to commit fully to the whole shebang- the little things are what matter and the little things can take whichever direction you nudge them toward.

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

If you’re considering dating someone new, do not put it off. If you are in a committed relationship there’s something you’ve been putting off and this is the week to tackle it. Or tackle him/her- only you know which direction to take. There is a reason for the nagging doubt, and it will only grow worse if left unaddressed. Be extra caring of your health this week- your body will reward you.

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

This week you will earn a thing of significance that once held value for you, and it will remind you to be more compassionate to those who have loss significance. There is an opportunity and you must weigh the options, while keeping in mind no one can take it away from you. Unless that no-one is the law. And then it’s a pretty important someone. And they can take everything away from you if you get caught. Moral of the story? Don’t get caught.

Leo

July 23 - August 22

Happy Birth Month Leo! Most people have a birth day, a few of the fortunate have a birth week. But you, glorious Leo, gloriously demand a whole birth month. And rightfully so. As the world revolves around you ;)

Make a wish! animated-candle-image-0014

Leo, this week the odds are in your favor. You can turn that new page in the chapter you’re on in life with flamboyance and glamour, they will be watching. Spend a little less money this week by saving a little bit more and you will realize that you have a little more money and a little less stuff than you did last week. Don’t be afraid to use the power inside you, that’s what it’s there for.

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Regarding the consideration of that investment: consider embarking upon that journey without haste. There is no reason to be hasty, but when you’ve already made up your mind there’s no reason to delay and stream like molasses.

If molasses makes you cringe, consider real maple syrup. But not the cheap fake corn syrup type- 100% Grade A. You are worth the extra dollar. Hell, Virgo, you are worth an extra $5. Just don't let it break the bank if you're saving for that investment.

Libra

September 23 - October 22

Trying to balance what you want in life against what the people who surround you want is like trying to push down on a strong man who’s intent upon doing a pushup. You can’t make everybody happy. In fact, you can’t make anyone happy but yourself. Make yourself happy this week and the people will follow your generous lead. Hesitate if you must, but know that sometimes things don't go the way of the individual. Sometimes collective consciousness is the answer, and sometimes they need you to set the pace.

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

The stars insist that you will learn a piece of knowledge that you once considered absurd, and that will enable it to mean that much more to you. The other considerations that might perhaps change your mind must be given serious weight this week. Considering you have much to consider this upcoming week, seriously consider taking a night out to reward yourself, considering all the options and picking one.

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

You have a choice between two things and you must weigh the options carefully. Just do it. You will only have yourself to blame for the consequences. Consider the fact that there’s nothing wrong with making a bad decision once in a while, unless it breaks some major laws and in that case you have a third consideration. The stars inform me that this week is the time you have been waiting for the finally take action. But do so wisely so you do not have to force yourself to blame yourself. Unless you have a history of sado masochism. In that case consider less carefully.

Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

While pondering the next step, hop in a cold shower for a full ten minutes. Doing this will help you wash away the trivialities and unnecessaries, and the skin and decision will become clearer. A sweet little side effect to doing this is it will make your decisions more appealing to those you are intent upon impressing, leading to a greater, more fulfilling outcome.

And put away that thing you keep questioning yourself over. It can be brought back out at a later date.

Aquarius

January 20 - February 18

Do something terribly meaningful this week. This will happen by thinking about what's right and good before making a decision, while at the same time appreciating life for every little beautiful moment you get. There's no reason not to take that first big step in the right direction right now. There's every reason to hesitate, but if your head and heart are telling you to take action, perhaps you should listen. But if your stomach is telling you something, I see a porcelain throne in your immediate future.

Pisces

February 19 - March 20

The stars point that your sign is rising a little to the left, which means to watch out for a man of the sign of Libra. He may have good intentions; however, his intentions might be not so good. You should think twice about those ducks in a row- is the row neat or sloppy? Should you use the signs as a guide or just a reminder? Either way, break out your feather duster and do something just for you this week.

Disclaimer: These words I have weaved for you are strategically placed together for entertainment purposes. Although they do resemble aspects of the Zodiac Horoscope, in no way am I advising you to make these your Bible. Take what you need and leave the rest. I am only responsible for your entertainment and happiness. And laughs. Show me them ha ha's and lol's ;) And be sure to share with your friends

Sharing is Caring :) and Resteems are tasty :)

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Follow Arbitrary Kitten for more fun, serious, and thought provoking information with a dash of humor. Sprinkled with the awesomesauce that is you because you are the reason I'm me :)

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1500 followers in less than 2 months! You guys are awesomesauce :)
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The Cosmetic Industry is Killing you. Plus natural eyeliner that improves your eyesight

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I dont understand my hororscope, my situation is that ive been daydreaming of a woman for the longest time, and then i decided to say nevermind over it and started daydreaming about another girl. my hororscope is a cancer, and i dont want to loose either one of them spiritually, but i am always open to the possibility that i am being deceived by the spirit.

I'd like to know more so that I may possibly offer advice...

What is the reason you decided to stop daydreaming about the first one? Unrequited love?

Because for the last seven or so years she hasnt talked to me, she went out and had a kid, i fell in love at first sight over her but everyone tells me shes no good for me. i met her at a funeral when my grandfather died and i was never able to let go of it after we went on a date. i really had feelings for her but she broke my heart and never spoke to me again and i was daydreaming about her for the longest time. Basically, i just gave up.

last night i had a dream about another girl i am very fond of and i know she would be much better for me but the problem is the same, she wont talk to me and she might be too good for me because i am such a simple kind of guy and all of these girls i am interested in are so educated and live upbeat lives.

im diagnosed as schizoaffective and the world thinks im crazy but these females keep coming to me in the spirit and i have no clue if its real or not.

im a big fan of the as above, so below. i believe the stars and planets are made for signs and seasons like the bible says, in reality the as above, so below.... means the same thing as "on earth as it is in heaven." but i dont want to preach the gospel if you dont want to hear it .

<3 thanks for chatting.

To be completely honest you need to take steps to forget about the bad girl. And the new one- you seem to be well aware they are not for you.

But you need to replace them physically and in your dreams with someone who is worthy of you. Go to the simple places you like and do the things you enjoy. That is where you will find a simple kind of woman who will be good for you and love you the way you are.

Stop thinking about the ones you know in your heart are not good. Do something to find the perfect woman you deserve.

whell, i would like to find someone that i can talk to about enlightenment and quantum mechanics and the things i like to go on about. I would really like to find a woman i can meditate with and start a future with but i dont really put myself out there ever, im a homebody since my disability and i dont think anyone really would satisfy me unless it was on an emotional and mental level.

Im very shy around the females i think are attractive, and that kind of gets in the way. I dont know what im doing most of the time and i feel like a complete idiot even though i like the way i look and the way i act.

Its just been a long time for me ive been fighting a disability battle for 5 years and finally won my court case and i dont know how to put myself out there. i just want to play music and really i just daydream about cuddling with a cute woman as i fall asleep. im 26 years old so i have plenty of time to find that but ive also gone so long without it too.

Morning (07:22 indonesia)..all the best for you. ;)

Good morning! Wishing you a magical day :)

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