The Dark Side of Your Zodiac Sign
Do not proceed if you are easily offended! This is satire, a parody, and not meant to be offensive—meaning it is meant to be a funny humorous post! It is not written as a serious study into Astrology, however these challenging traits are said to be associated with the subsequent signs.
This piece was written in a fun, tongue in cheek style. Please keep that in mind if you are easily offended!
Every sign is fair game, there is no escape!
Astrologers tend to focus on the positive when telling you about your sign. All the fluffy cupcake rainbows that make you you. I decided to shake up our Saturday and do the opposite of what you're going to find in the newspaper :)
Following is a humorous look at darker side to each sign in the zodiac.
Aries
March 21-April 19
Aries’ are the most impulsive and impatient of the zodiac signs. They want more, and they better get it immediately
Their motto is “Me! Me! Me! Now! Now! Now!”
If it’s not his idea, Aries could care less.
Fittingly, Aires is the youngest sign, and can be, like, ReALLllly immature.
Taurus
April 20th-May 20th
Taurus skipped class that day in kindergarten when they taught how to share.
They are materialistic and possessive.
Really? You’re really going to try to argue with stubborn Taurus and expect them to budge- even when wrong?
Good luck trying to get self indulgent Taurus off the couch.
Gemini
May 21st-June 20th
You never know which personality you’re going to get next
Gemini love to hear themselves talk. When they go off on a subject, no use trying to get a word in.
Commit? Ha! Naked Escape room! Open Mic night in the ghetto! Pottery making at the old folks center! Voice command light bedroom disco ball! Gemini are the most manic of signs.
Cancer
June 21st-July 22nd
Crab is Cancer’s symbol for good reason. The curmudgeon is strong with this one.
It takes months of gentle and tentative coaxing to lead cautious Cancer out of their comfort zone.
Oversensitive! Call them what they are and be prepared with two boxes of tissues and a shield. Cancers are likely offended by this article.
Leo
July 23rd-August 22nd
Is that a mirror in your pocket, or- of course it's a mirror if it's a leo. Leo does not simply look in the mirror, Leo preens. And there is no mirror or reflective surface they don’t adore.
Look up both "vain" and "adoration entitled" and you will see Leo's picture in the description.
Beware the Leo charm. If they want something from you they usually get it.
Do you believe all of reality revolves around Leo? Because Leo certainly does. And Leo is never wrong.
Virgo
August 23rd-September 22nd
Judge, Jury, and executioner. Proceed with caution.
Perfectionism is too soft a word, Virgo cannot even register you are speaking if there’s something out of order in the room. Detail oriented down to each and every adverb you utter.
When a Virgo feels a little blue, pack your bug out bag because the world is ending.
Libra
September 23rd-October 22nd
If you treat a Libra to dinner take a nap first, because it’ll be breakfast by the time they weigh every single option.
Libra abandons their own moral and values to keep everyone happy and content.
Libras obsession with beauty means obscene amounts of time primping and beautifying.
Scorpio
October 23rd-November 21st
If you cross a Scorpio just walk away from your life and start fresh in Mexico.
Your sanity mental health will be seriously challenged by Scorpios powers of manipulation
There is no bad mood for Scorpio. It is an endless downward spiral of despair and darkness.
Sagittarius
November 22nd-December 21st
No filter- Honest and blunt to a fault, Sagittarius becomes hurtful and tacktless.
The term “know it all” was invented by Sagittarius to describe themselves.
Sagittarius is bored when not constantly stimulated by you with adventure and the exciting and new.
Capricorn
December 22nd-January 19th
Capricorns are physically incapable of “going with the flow” and “dropping it”.
If it benefits them Capricorn won’t think twice about using you.
Negativity breeds copious amounts of negativity. A mere mention of your frustrating day becomes a horrific rant about every wrong thing that has ever happened to them in their lives.
Aquarius
January 20th-February 18th
Aquarians fancy themselves as logical and objective. The rest of us call it Judgy McJudgeface.
They have so much stuff going on in their heads that they come off as formal and detached.
So quick to offer advice Aquarians miss the entire thing you’re trying to say.
Pisces
February 19th-March 20th
Their just go with it lifestyle simply looks like a terrible lack of focus and direction.
Aloof and spacey, Pisces tend to not even realize others have needs.
They are surprisingly gullible for supposedly being the oldest and wisest of signs.
We each have our good and bad traits, even a Leo like me can admit it ;)
Share any negative traits I missed in the comments below :)
I love you guys, for the good AND the bad :)
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I'm Aries
and I'm a Genius ^^
He he! I won't butt heads with that one
;)
Good choice! :D :P
I'm currently dating an Aires. I'm not going to say I "understand", LOL, but I "get it"
;) And I'm sure you understand what I am saying!!
I get it... Best of luck!!
Omg lol- thanks!!
But never take Zodiac signs literal, because im an aries but im totally not the traits most aries have.
The signs basically reveal more of what you are in certain moments but it should never be used a measuring tool, as in connections to your partner.
Since a relationship is all about trust and reflect-ability.
Precisely.
You reminded me of something important. I used to write humorous, satire horoscopes for a regional newspaper. But I had a disclaimer. I'm going to develop one. It's amazing how many people take things like astrology to absolute heart.
Thank you!
Virgo-Leo-Libra here. I'll let you make of it what you will! lol
A detail oriented perfectionist who takes an obscenely long time to consider each detail... Yikes!
I dunno what that's supposed to mean, but I do apologize for taking so long to write back, I really wanted to come up with just the right response for you...! :D
OhHa, well played ;)
What about Ophiuchus?!
Ophiuchus
The procrastination is strong with this one.
Forget about a monogamous relationship with Ophiuchus, They are saccharine dripping born flirts. If you do happen to capture one into coupledom, their possessiveness and secrecy will sabotage.
Ophiuchus is straightforward which can hurt with their poisonous tongue. Their natural sarcasm is only the icing on the cake of offense.
Being impulsive, Ophiuchus can make many wrong decisions in life. And their pride comes off as arrogance.
;)
Interesting, thanks!
You are very welcome :)
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Gratzia
;)
You gotta admit, the world would be so BORING without the lovely and dramatic LEO.
As an authority on myself I see only truth in that statement
;)
Love it! Fellow Leo here, and not offended at all!
Goood. Verrry goood ;)
Great post. I could write an essay on Piscean issues......like drink and drugs. An astrologer once said to me, "Pisces can be the highest of signs." Then she gave me a steeley look and said......and the lowest."
As a pisces do you see addiction as a big problem with people born under your sign?