This Just In: Some Random Asshole Started a Comedy Competition! There Are Prizes! Big Juicy Wads of SBD! Mmmm Money!
Down, Simba! Down!
It's time to be a professional.
Have you ever slammed your dick in a door?
I have.
It's painful, but I had to get away from her husband somehow. That guy was crazy.
I ran and I ran and I ran!
He was fast. Fast like the reason his wife needed my help, if you know what I mean.
It's not easy to run with the opposite of erectile dysfunction bouncing around and smacking you in the face with every stride either. I mean, it's not like they make sports bras for this shit.
Anyway
Where was I?
Oh yeah!
Running for my life with my dick out at two in the afternoon while he was supposed to be at work.
All of the moms from the neighborhood put their kids down for a nap and came running outside to see what a real soap opera looks like.
They were screaming and cheering for me! Cheering like I'm running a televised marathon sponsored by Viagra or something.
One sprayed me with the hose!
Usually, they just hand out those little cups of water at the marathon.
One look at her was enough for me to know what she was actually doing with her little cups though.
Stupid hose!
Why can't they just mind their own business? All that did was slow me down.
The dude was gaining ground.
I had no idea those big muscly guys with stubby steroid cock could run so fast!
I could finally see my car off in the distance though so I knew I was on the homestretch.
Pro-tip: Gentlemen, don't park so damn far away. One block is enough.
He was yelling about killing me!
Who does that!
He said he'd chop off my dick so he could ram it up my ass along with all kinds of other strange things you wouldn't normally hear in a quiet neighborhood on a Friday afternoon or within a blog post.
I knew there would be only one way out of this mess.
They say the best defense is a good offense and I firmly agree.
The only way to counterpunch a crazy person is to simply act crazier than they are. I've known that move for years.
So I got to my car, opened the door, slammed my dick in the door and then looked at him and said:
Now what?
...and I haven't had a boner ever since.
Until!
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I'm hard again!
This is great news!
Unfortunately, I won't be entering.
I've been sitting here making people laugh for months. There are plenty of other funny people out there that deserve a chance to be in the spotlight as well. It's their time to shine.
I'll be contributing 10 SBD towards the prize pool as soon as I get paid from previous posts. I'll also be keeping my eye on the entries and voting for the ones that I personally enjoy.
I also told them I'd help raise awareness. I couldn't think of a better way to rise to the occasion so why not start yelling around about money and hard cocks. I said I'd give them a free plug. I didn't say what kind of a plug though. The joys of comedy.
So, I know for a fact, many of you who follow my account enjoy a good a laugh so I encourage you to get involved.
I also know many of you are funny people, so I encourage you to drop your filters and have a bit of fun as well. Follow the link provided, look into the details because those are important, and get yourself entered.
Comedy is a huge draw. It has the potential to sell out stadiums and we need people to know that it's still okay to laugh! Don't be afraid to get out there and put some smiles on faces.
I hope you've enjoyed this mess.
Have a nice day!
ok when you say you're going to give a plug I didn't think it would be so soiled and used when you gave it all to us
i mean you could have descretely washed it and even replace back into the the original packaging,
but no you had to run 🏃 with it hanging out for all the neighborhood to see, had to make it famous, and then to top it all off you stick it in all our faces like challenge to bring about a pistol duel
damn you @aku, the force is
hardstrong with you, thoroughly enjoyed the liberated penial prose, well done!Listen. I should probably tell you something. I didn't go to advertising school. Just putting that out there!
Ha! But on a serious note... thanks for enjoying this mess! It was a lot of fun to put together.
But seriously, have you considered marketing? I mean, anyone willing to briskly stroll through the neighborhood, showing off like that, has a bright future in advertising. You even got a free shower out of it. Nice.
I was thinking I might make a better politician though. That's how you run for office, if you know what I mean.
Free showers are always good. Now I'm thinking I missed out on an opportunity to use the ole cold water vs manhood joke. Oh well!
You are right! Have you checked to see if you've been elected? You may hold an office, and not even know it. All those ladies cheering for you probably wrote you in during the last election. You might be a mayor, or something. lol
Maybe they already erected a statue of me!
The biggest one in town.
Ha! You win this round! All I can do is say these words and laugh... LOL!
Great entry. Thank you for participating in this week's contest. We look forward to your entry next week.
I know you said you wouldn't enter. But this is hilarious so consider yourself entered ( don't it will be gentle, like a steroid dick and not the face smacker you have). But if you come out on top I'll pass the prize onto someone else cos I think that's what you wanted.
Too bad! I disqualified myself intentionally with the self vote. :)
I could remove it, but I really just wanted to help. It's so damn hard to get the ball rolling here on Steemit with comedy. Especially for those like me who write their own jokes and funny stories from start to finish. This is only a dick joke/toilet humor mess of impov performed in writing. I can do better! ...but it's also here to show people that it's OKAY to cut loose.
These other folks need the leg up. A morale booster. A competition has a fancy way of bringing out the best in people. It's for them and I have no problems with helping when I can.
I read this on my phone and had to reply and upvote you I started laughing.
Now that I see you self upvoted. You are now diskoalafied. Even if you remove it, diskoalfication will remain. Sorry but I must be harsh on these things.
Great post none the less.
“You are now diskoalafied.”
This is secretly how I’ve always hoped Aussies talk on a regular basis—sentences just overflowing with Australia-related puns.
Thank you for steering the joke straight into my fantasy version of how Australia works. I’m happier than you can imagine that you took it there.
In fact, I can’t describe how sad I would be if you dingo there......
Did—did I just, like, win Steemit?
So many times in our random and unexpected interactions I think to myself "hmm... we could be friends",
Definition:
We - @idikuci and @ilt-yodith
friends - people who drink together and occasionally discourse about irrelevent topics
But then I remember I don't know anything about you or even what your name means, is it an anagram for something? Yoda's rap name mispelt (lit-yodi)? I just don't know. And I can accept the Australian bashing and you taking my post and making it better, but I can't believe you would use a dingo's name in vain. It's just down right unAustralian of you.
I think I need time to process what you have done here today.
Cos it was pretty good.
Just having some fun. I was planning on writing a joke today anyway. I'll get 100, maybe 200 views(seems kind of slow today though) and hopefully help promote and get you some views, for free, so you don't have to spend more money just to give money away.
What a solid post. I mean, rock hard. Long and uncut. You wrapped it up nice and tight. Straight and to the point. Everybody likes a tip.
I practice safe posting.
Nice
I just came for the jokes.
::rimshot::
And I hope you came for my rimshot, because I put it in up there anyway.
I’ve got more double-entendres in me than Jennifer Garner in the director’s cut of Requiem for a Dream.
That thing’s called an entendre, right?
This looks like a nifty contest, but since I don't do video/sound stuff, which are the strongly encouraged formats, I think I'll leave this to people who know how those things work.
10/10 boners, though, for coming up with a pretty fucking hilarious way to announce a comedy contest.
Your written works stand just as much of a chance. Just write up one of your normally funny posts, add the tag and follow the rest of the rules. Another day at the office, except that post might win some cash on the side.
10 outta 10? Thanks! That's a lot of dick.
You're welcome. I was feeling generous and wanted to give you as much dick as possible, which in this case was 10 dicks.
Well. Maybe I will subvert the medium and submit a written entry about how I don't know anything about video/sound comedy.
Well, thanks for the case of dicks... and by the sounds of that post, it should be a good one.
That goat of yours better make an appearance. Just trying to encourage the standup comedians and others to post their stuff here. It's a format that isn't really seen on here. Would be great if comedians like Louie C.K. or Jimmy Carr posted their stuff on here instead of on pay per view sites. and we could just upvote them :)
Maybe it's heading in that direction, maybe it isn't.
But seriously, your stuff is too good not to be entered here, and it would certainly make our competition all the better for it.
Well thank you kindly for the encouragement. Kevin the mountain goat says hello!
@brandt's stuff is awesome. Cracks me up every time. A bit of exposure never hurt anyone either. As a matter of fact, it does wonders.
I'm sure given you story above, getting exposed was great for your self confidence.
What does it feel like to know women drool from their lips at the sight of you?
It feels like... wet.
Do you know that also women get boners?
Well, sweet about the contest. I am definetively gonna do something funny fun ;)
Well, I was hoping you'd see this. You've managed to crack me up on many occasions in the past. I already know you won't be holding anything back. I'm looking forward to seeing what's next!
I am a very spontaneous person, if I feel forced to do something I don't feel comfortable, so let's see.
I'm the same way. Just go with the flow.
I am even listening to Britney Spears today, can you believe it? -.-"
too much night club life.
Is she hitting you one more time?
I even danced it in the office auhauahuahauhauh
Maybe I should do a dance video for that contest. :D
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Glad to hear you can get it up again, Mr. Himself.
A comedy contest, eh? I'll check it out. I'm not very funny. I think they would be pretty hard on me. I like to leave the dick jokes to the dick professionals.
I have a bad habit of promising myself to enter contests and then... not. I also have a bad habit of starting posts and not finishing them. I have about three right now! Tonight perhaps I will start and not finish another one, maybe even two!
I am actually thinking of starting a contest of sorts of my own. I can't tell you much about it yet, but I'm really kind of excited about it. I had the idea over the course of this week, but I don't get much time during the week to work on my ideas. So now it's time to really buckle down.
This little bit of self-deprecation style humor was funny. Don't sell yourself short... unless you're doing comedy!
Self-deprecation is my only hope at being even remotely funny.
If you try something like that, jot down a few ideas, one liners, zingers, whatever. Create a character, put yourself in their shoes, then blast yourself even harder than you normally would. Part of this post was putting myself in the shoes of a total douchebag. Good times!
you can do it @lemony-cricket!
@idikuci and i will be cheering you on, even trying will make all the difference
Oh man, if I had a cock it would be hard too! My nips might cut some glass over this one, does that count? Wait..ohh, god, ahh....
@nonameslefttouse being a steemit samaritan again ladies and gents, I for one will be following this wildness with great anticipation, woot!
Fantastic! Hopefully we'll all get to meet some new funny folks too.
By the way, this entire mess was just random improv style rambling. I have no idea why I said all that.
A+ on the ramble, my keyboard would have been in danger if I hadn't already learned not to drink anything while reading your stuff ;)
I recommended @giantbear use a sippy cup a long time ago. You should too!
Never got ol' Danny Boy caught in a door, but I did get it caught up in a zipper once or twice. Have you ever done that? I can't imagine a car door could hurt any worse, but perhaps you could compare and contrast for those of us not quite willing to do self-experimentation.
So, it's much like finally getting a date with that crush you had in highschool. You know, the good looking one that acted like their shit doesn't stink. So there you are, taking a long walk down the beach. It's a nice day and you decide to sit down. You finally muster up enough courage to hold their hand when suddenly they turn into a weird looking alien-like beast and begin eating you raw.
Ah.
So getting it caught in a zipper is still worse, then.
Far worse.
Wow that is really cool. I think I just might enter that comedy contest. I occasionally have something funny to say...... although I usually keep it to myself.
Just go for it! Don't worry about making an ass out of yourself either. Look what I just did! Should I have kept that to myself? Perhaps... Did I? Nope!