Ghost At The Feast (Fifty Word Short Story)
No one wants you here.
He sank into the drapes, touching his disheveled beard, cheap suit, with sudden awareness.
They thought you wouldn't come.
Her white dress swept the dance floor, eyes avoiding him.
She only invited you because she felt she had to.
The voices were right this time.
The prompt was feast, and I just had to go with the phrase ghost at the feast - the one person no one wants there, but is. I was very tempted by the man who turns up once a week to feed the local pigeons in a veritable feathered feast, but this won out.
This is my entry to @jayna's Fifty Word writing challenge
Photo Credit by Pixabay user StockSnap who has such a wide rage of fantastic images, I have used them many times before.
:(
Same.
This is a really intriguing story, @calluna! And thank you for sharing your editing process in the post comment.
My suggestion, if you are open to further edits, is to find a way to indicate who is speaking. You can reduce the dialog somehow to gain additional words, for example, and use them to add description of the person talking in the dialog lines. Or group together dialog and action so that we know the action is by the same person who is speaking.
There are three lines of dialog and two of action. But I am not sure whether the actors are those speaking. So, for example, if the actor in the second paragraph is the speaker in the first paragraph, you want to combine those in one paragraph. Please let me know if that makes sense!
Here's an example of an edit that would give you more words to use for indicating who is speaking:
This line is 10 words: “She only invited you because she felt she had to.”
This line is 3 words: “Please go away.”
The meaning is slightly different, of course, but I'm just using it as an example. With the extra words, you can say who speaks that line. Something like this:
He waved his hand. "Please go away."
By combining the action with the dialog, you show us who is speaking. Then you can make it clear to readers if the man in the cheap suit is the ghost, and if he speaks, and whether the bride speaks or it is someone else altogether who speaks the dialog lines. I hope this helps!
Ohhhhh I'm so gutted i cocked it so very badly, the meaning entirely got lost, does this make any more sense? I think the speech marks for thoughts made it more confusing.
I totally get what you mean, but I am not sure that 'please go away', addressing someone in the first person, is right for that kind of pervasive thought i'm trying to convey.
i am so so sorry, is that any better?
Oh, no worries at all. It is your story and you can of course do as you wish! I could see that you had been through an editing process, so I provided my comments in case they are helpful for this or future stories.
In the newly edited version, I think I understand it a little better. So the man is thinking all of the things in italics, right? And he is not actually a ghost, but he feels like one because he realizes the bride does not really want him there?
It is just so frustrating to know I hadn't conveyed the story I wanted at all, despite the editing, and giving it days. I think my main mistake was the speech marks which makes me even more annoyed at myself, cos it is a simple thing that just ruined it. But it's good to know when I'm not expressing myself in a way others can even vaguely understand. It is frustrating, cos i do want to be able to improve, but when i can't convey what i mean, it makes it impossible for anyone to give me feedback to get there.
Yes, the phrase means someone who no one wants at a party, so he isn't actually a ghost. He hears voices, and has been invited to a family members wedding because they felt like they should invite him, and as always, the voices in his head are suggesting the worse possible things people are thinking, but this time, they're right. Hey - a more accurate story than I intended lol
Oh my. I am really sorry my comments had that effect on you, @calluna. That breaks my heart! My intent is never to make someone feel bad about their writing. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a lovely story.
It is surprising sometimes how much effort we can put into these very short stories, isn’t it?
Going forward, I will not make any suggestions unless my input is solicited. 😊
<3 It is good to know when things don't make sense, especially with such an international platform cos ultimately it does limit how many people can appreciate something so I am glad you told me.
I do want to be able to get feedback, but I just need to make enough sense for someone to be able to do that, hopefully next time that won't be a problem :)
ohhh no, this has totally failed :( no one is speaking, there are no actors. i will have a think and try to fix it. i'm sorry! Ohhh
No it didn't i totally got that it was him talking to himself <3
<3 thank you love, swapping speech marks for italics made a big difference, but I was so worried it still didn't make sense. Thank you <3
Anyways, loved this 50-word tasker. The inner monologue / ghost lady aspect being differentated by the calligraphy was useful. It actually seperated the ghost/monologue voice from the narrator. I could see how, even if it is actually a dysfunction to avoid the pains of social awkwardness and queasyness, the person was struggling to “fit in” with the party-folk. Especially with how the monologue/ghost voice just laments the person for coming.
However, I think the narrator should be the one changed for one small thing. The narrator appears to be able to communicate the thoughts of our suffering person, but maybe the narrator’s last line should continue that trend instead of being blatantly pro-monologue/ghost. Probably it could have stated the suffering person doing something at the very end. In that way, you can still maintain the pro-monologue/ghost aspect and not be blatant.
Crumbling, he curled up and wept.
And there, we can show how, even in the ambiguity or antimony of it being an inner monologue or a ghost lamenting him, that he internalized the words and accepts a truth. Of course this truth was discursive, yet most truths are. I think that lil’ change, despite some implicative changes, will go towards bettering the general message and have its in place structure maintained. Even then, I loved this 50-word and yah did a great job @calluna. I loved that we don’t get any comfort if it’s the person’s inner monologue or the ghost speaking, leaves it free for intepretation of the psychology of the person.
A good work should leave air for mystery and provide no consolence to the reader, they should put some mental labour into the meaning and re-reading is a virtue not a vice. We shouldn’t be like: “oj, I got it. No necesito leer el texto uno más tiempo.“ But definitely the author has to build the form and content of the text in order for us readers to know what the author wants to speak out but doesn’t know how to. Hope yah get mentioned in this week’s 50-word tasker. I always look forward to any reply by yah, just now that.
{So glad it's not just me that does that, I probably forget to leave about half the things I write in the end, one day I'll end up going back and leaving loads of them}
<3 I really appreciate this!!
See this first part is really interesting, cos I was worried I needed to be more blatant. Although yeah, the more I think about this, you are totally on point. Instead of just stating that the voices were right, it's more effective to convey the effects of accepting that fact. I had first thought something more subtle would fit the character better, 'He turned away, hiding the tears." but there is a lot of power in having more emotion in the last line and in leaving it more open entirely as to what is really going on. The last sentence does have a sense of detachment, like fact stating, which draws a line as the end, but it could instead wrap it up with a bit more mystery. I would say it's probably too late to edit it now though.
I do very much like the concept of a story allowing room for projection, leaving spaces where people can apply the most relevant possibility for them, sometimes it doesn't come off as easily, so notes are always appreciated, as are your wonderful comments <3
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Damn. Poor guy. Sh*% girl. That's a great opening line for a longer story and I enjoyed the alternating internal/reader perspectives. You rocked it. I see no need to identify the speaker, in fact I'd suggest leaving it be, let the reader's imagination decide. When you expand this into a best-selling novel, you can use the next few pages to identify the speakers, sharpen the narrative, bring the actors into view...for now let the images and thoughts paint the picture.
BTW I announced the winner of my haiku contest https://steemit.com/contest/@vdux/5uzztx-are-you-the-winner