RE: Ghost At The Feast (Fifty Word Short Story)
This is a really intriguing story, @calluna! And thank you for sharing your editing process in the post comment.
My suggestion, if you are open to further edits, is to find a way to indicate who is speaking. You can reduce the dialog somehow to gain additional words, for example, and use them to add description of the person talking in the dialog lines. Or group together dialog and action so that we know the action is by the same person who is speaking.
There are three lines of dialog and two of action. But I am not sure whether the actors are those speaking. So, for example, if the actor in the second paragraph is the speaker in the first paragraph, you want to combine those in one paragraph. Please let me know if that makes sense!
Here's an example of an edit that would give you more words to use for indicating who is speaking:
This line is 10 words: “She only invited you because she felt she had to.”
This line is 3 words: “Please go away.”
The meaning is slightly different, of course, but I'm just using it as an example. With the extra words, you can say who speaks that line. Something like this:
He waved his hand. "Please go away."
By combining the action with the dialog, you show us who is speaking. Then you can make it clear to readers if the man in the cheap suit is the ghost, and if he speaks, and whether the bride speaks or it is someone else altogether who speaks the dialog lines. I hope this helps!
Ohhhhh I'm so gutted i cocked it so very badly, the meaning entirely got lost, does this make any more sense? I think the speech marks for thoughts made it more confusing.
I totally get what you mean, but I am not sure that 'please go away', addressing someone in the first person, is right for that kind of pervasive thought i'm trying to convey.
i am so so sorry, is that any better?
Oh, no worries at all. It is your story and you can of course do as you wish! I could see that you had been through an editing process, so I provided my comments in case they are helpful for this or future stories.
In the newly edited version, I think I understand it a little better. So the man is thinking all of the things in italics, right? And he is not actually a ghost, but he feels like one because he realizes the bride does not really want him there?
It is just so frustrating to know I hadn't conveyed the story I wanted at all, despite the editing, and giving it days. I think my main mistake was the speech marks which makes me even more annoyed at myself, cos it is a simple thing that just ruined it. But it's good to know when I'm not expressing myself in a way others can even vaguely understand. It is frustrating, cos i do want to be able to improve, but when i can't convey what i mean, it makes it impossible for anyone to give me feedback to get there.
Yes, the phrase means someone who no one wants at a party, so he isn't actually a ghost. He hears voices, and has been invited to a family members wedding because they felt like they should invite him, and as always, the voices in his head are suggesting the worse possible things people are thinking, but this time, they're right. Hey - a more accurate story than I intended lol
Oh my. I am really sorry my comments had that effect on you, @calluna. That breaks my heart! My intent is never to make someone feel bad about their writing. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a lovely story.
It is surprising sometimes how much effort we can put into these very short stories, isn’t it?
Going forward, I will not make any suggestions unless my input is solicited. 😊
<3 It is good to know when things don't make sense, especially with such an international platform cos ultimately it does limit how many people can appreciate something so I am glad you told me.
I do want to be able to get feedback, but I just need to make enough sense for someone to be able to do that, hopefully next time that won't be a problem :)
ohhh no, this has totally failed :( no one is speaking, there are no actors. i will have a think and try to fix it. i'm sorry! Ohhh
No it didn't i totally got that it was him talking to himself <3
<3 thank you love, swapping speech marks for italics made a big difference, but I was so worried it still didn't make sense. Thank you <3