Do you appreciate others to be open with their emotions? @ecotrain's question of the week.
Two days ago I had a panic attack.
It came on in what anyone would think was a perfectly safe situation - I was in a room with Jamie at a free-diving centre in Amed, Bali, and we were working through static breathing exercises on yoga mats. Now, me, I can roll out my mat anywhere and as soon as I lay out my mat I drop into a calm place where I can examine how I'm feeling in a quiet and comfortable way.
The whole point of this exercise was a basic pranayama that I'm familiar with. Inhale for four counts, exhale for 6 to 8 counts, so the long slow exhale begins to slow down your heart rate, whereupon we were going to begin long breath holds in a relaxed state as practice for breathing under water.
Suddenly, I was overcome by panic. My palms became sweaty, my heart began racing, and I was totally flooded with cortisol. I simply had no idea why I was reacting in that way, but I knew I had to get out of the room, and fast.
Then, my inner critic kicked in - why the hell had I reacted in that way, and why was everyone else okay? Why couldn't I do this when everyone else was so calm? I felt like such an idiot. I called on all my yogic powers - breath, sit outside, focus on the sounds of the scooters, the sea, the birds, talk yourself into calm, you're okay, you're okay. The more frustrated I got, the more upset I became, and to my embarrassment, every one knew that I was crying.
Looking at the sky, I realised that as I was exploding, so too was Mt Agung, a big plume of ash rising to the white sky.
You and me both, sister, I thought, feeling into this connection to the earth. As I fought for control of my breath I felt the ground underneath me shake, as if in perfect syncronicity with the tremors of my heart. Like the volcano, I was fully immersed into my nature - the volcano bubbling lava from the deeps of the earths core, me bubbling up with my emotion. And I feared it would bring nothing but destruction - of my power, strength, courage, capability, self worth.
When the others had finished, the owner/diving coach came out and looked and me, waving his hands around his head and smiling. 'Too much going on in here?', he grinned. I smiled back and rolled my eyes. Oh yes, so much goings on in this mountain of self that was melting under the intense fire of emotion!
After lunch, whilst everyone was chatting, I went into the back room to meditate a little and try to find my centre again. What was it that made me react so?
Kev (the free diving guru) joined me, pulling up a cushion and chatting to me about what had gone on. I explained that I didn't quite know - my logical brain knew I was being irrational and there was nothing to fear, but my emotional brain was going lala. I explained that I felt embarrassed, frustrated, angry at myself for reacting in such a way, and that I was worried it was going to jeopordise the next part of the free diving course.
Kev, in a way I would come to see was incredibly empathetic, diplomatic and encouraging, re-assured me that it was perfectly cool, and everyone reacted differently to different things - there was no right or wrong, no benchmark of success or reaction to holding my breath or being underwater in this way, and everyone experienced things in different ways. Who knows what triggers us? he said, wisely.
With this reassurancce, I was able to get on with my day. It was so reassuring to have this very fit, very able, very strong and incredible person validate my experience as 'perfectly' okay, because most of my life, my emotional outbursts or reactions have been quite difficult because I've always felt odd because of them. No one else seems to react in quite the same way as I do to things - whether it's effusive joy, or extreme upset.
I've learnt to go with these volcanic upbubblings and lava flows of my emotion and have got to the point that I processs them faster, detach from them more quickly, and recognise their causes much more quickly that I did in the past, with much greater awareness. I am proud of this quality that I have nurtured, knowing that it was the only way forward.
My beautiful partner in life has also been instrumental in this self awareness and acceptance because he loves me because of my emotional identity, not in spiteof it. Now, I don't need anyone to validate me as such, but it's been a pretty good thing for me to recognise that I am worth loving as I am, and I don't HAVE to be more like other people.
Thus, when it comes to the @eco-train question of the week which asks whether or not I appreciate emotional openness in others, I have to be. If I have learnt to appreciate it in me, because of the growing and empowerment I get from it, how can I not appreciate that in others too?
And I do - I"ve always been up for a 'd&m' growing up. Whilst others might shy away from deep and meaningful conversations, as we called them, I was all in. I love seeing the deepest darkest parts of people, reflecting my own journeys and struggles with heartspaces. As I get older, I enjoy giving back - the little wisdoms I have gained off others that have helped me, can now go back out into the world to help others. It's part of the reason I became a yoga teacher, too. So bring on your emotional openness - I'll listen and help you out if you need it. Wierdly, I'll help you with my logical side, though! It's the voice I need the most when I'm being emotional, to balance me out, so it's probably my most circumspect and wisest voice.
Saying that, what I don't like, and can walk away from, are those that are bound to emotional patterns that are destructive and they can't kick. Being empathetic and willing to calmly help people means I've often been the one listening to friends for longer than I should at times. Some of us are caught in loops, where the emotional reactions to a past event or experience becomes so habitual that there's not enough awareness or desire to change it. I have seen this a lot with alcoholics or drug addicts that use these substances to dull the pain because they aren't strong or willing enugh to work through it to break open and change their habital patterns of mind.
Take Mikey, for example (not his real name). When we lived in our horse lorry on a travellers site in the UK, Mikey was in the space over from us in a big removal lorry where he lived with his girlfriend and young son. Every weekend he would get so hammered that he'd switch into quite a dangerous man for those who crossed him. J and I would be up for hours with him in our truck trying to listen to him and talk him down from any aggression he was feeling. He'd talk about his abuse as a child. Affairs that he thought his girlfreind was having on him. Past experiences. Emotional outpourings of anxiety, anger, depression and just basic suffering. No way could Mikey cope with his emotions and inner demons and they were coming out as pretty scary and very volcanic and always destructive.
Eventually, this one night, Mikey totally erupts, taking our axe and totally destroying the inside of his truck with it, his kid and missus outside in the rain screaming. It didn't matter we were up listening til 4 am - he was erupting and there was nothing that could stop it.
People like Mikey, we've learnt to walk away from. I don't want to hear about their emotional lives because it's the same thing, over and over, and they'll never change. They never do. Last I heard he'd gotten into harder drugs, and his wife and kid had thankfully left him. His emotions were some bad ju ju. Didn't matter that anyone was around to recieve them - it didn't mean a thing, because he wasn't willing to use them to power his life in a positive way.
Thus it seems to me there's a difference between emotional vulnerability - being free with emotions in order to crack open and create something new - a bond, a spiritual progression, a connection to others, a new aspect of self - and a kind of emotional dis-ability where emotions just get blurted out and fired up for no reason but to project your unhappiness onto the world.
Of course, we can practice compassion to this kind of unhappiness and emotional lava because we too have had these moments in our lives, or might:
“Through compassion you find that all human beings are just like you.” – HH The Dalai Lama
However, Patanjali, who wrote the Yoga Sutras, also said that whilst we can be compassionate, we should disregard the 'wicked' - and in this case, Mikey's emotional outpourings were so wicked because they were intend on allowing his lava flow to destroy everything in his path, just as he felt destroyed by whatever disaster had ruined his own peace. I can be compassionate, sure, but there's no value in being open to that shit - you may as well just burn yourself by jumping in the crater rather than watch from a distance.
So, how appreciative am I to emotional openness? In a nutshell, very. Unless it's destructive emotionality, rather than creative.
From this bubbling up of my own emotion, I learnt a lot. I learnt I've got a lot of work to do with my relationship with my breath. I learnt I'm pretty strong even in moments of weakness - I still got out in the water and dived down to 10 metres in 55 seconds on one breath. Yay me.
And so the hot lava flow ended at the sea for me, cooling the flow. I emerged from the water anew, jubilant.
And I look up to see Agung, quiet now, for a while at least.
ALL PHOTOS HERE ARE TAKEN FROM THE MT AGUNG DAILY REPORT FACEBOOK GROUP. My phone simply can't capture the sheer majesty of this volcano from a distance.
I also apologise for the reduced quality of these posts as it's hard to type them out on my phone on the hop!
Sending you all warm peaceful vibes, dear SteemFolk, as ever! 🔥❤
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A super honest story you have there. It can be so overwhelming sometimes and even more annoying if you are not sure where it came from!
Next thing to try is try again fast I guess, and see how you react this time? Cool the guy was so understanding to help you dealing with all of these things!
He was absolutely amazing. I couldnt thank him more. I did persist and had success but only when i hit water. Something to be said for the cooling effect of ocean. I would recommend this dive co in a heartbeat. I could have lied and said it went swimmingly but you know me by now I think! Ive been practicing breathholds today much more calmly. Back in the ocean in morning. We have decided to stay in Amed a while longer. I have some breathing to do, and fishies to see. ❤❤💚💚🐟🐳🐟🕉
Thank you for sharing river ☺ you have some really insightful things to say. The life of a sensitive human being is a bit different for sure. Like you say though, sometimes we have to walk away and prioritize our own balance.
I had an experience recently where by spending 30 minutes at a party created such a disturbance in the force that I didn't feel quite right until the next evening. I thought I was so beyond that, stronger and more stable, but I had to accept my feelings anyhow.
Always love to read your stuff ❤
Thanks so much. I thought I was stronger too. Turns out you can only be strong if there's wobbles and weaknesses and tremors anyway. Those moments teach us a lot. I think as long as we live there will be always things that bubble to this surface even if we think they are long gone.
And yes, we have to walk away sometimes because we have to know when we can't help with any of the other things we might have to offer.
Sensitivity can suck balls sometimes. But it enriches us too. Who we we be without it?
Likewise... I love your stuff too xx thanks for your beautiful comment. It means more than you would know. 💚
Free diving would freak me out. I went regular diving in the Galapagos and it took me 4 goes to get underwater cos I freaked out so much (I'm not a diver, it was a guided dive. Not sure I'd do it again though.)
But you did it!!! And you went to Galapagos... amazing!!!
I really want to go again.. Jamie is suffering Bali belly so maybe it's just pool for me for a few days... dammit.
Amed is great.for it.. so calm and shallow and heaps of fishes.
I did. And I'm glad I did, but once I was out I thought "that really could be it". Hey, nothing wrong with pool time. It's one of my favourite "times".
Who is Rio Heine?
I'm sorry.. no idea? Should I know that @for91days? Kinda weird without context.
What a honest and insightful post - thank you for this.
I've come to appreciate those tumultuous moments that awaken our inner strength. As life gets more comfortable sometimes without these moments I feel like I've become stuck.
Congratulations on your dive.
Thanks heaps. X I actually was starting to write about the free diving but wanted to separate my angst from the explanation of the diving.
YES! That's perfect. And I think travelling brings those to us sometimes. I said to a friend a few weeks ago.. 'bring on the learning that breaks me open' and I forgot what I asked for until you said that!!! 💚💚💚🙏
omg did that volcano just sync in time with an ecotrain qotw?!!? is there some magic happening here?! i'm guessing so!!! you're amazing, you know that? as someone (wren) who has often been over-emotional to the point of making others uncomfortable and a VIP (very intense person- i just came up with that- isn't that a good one?!)... i so love who you are and all of the wisdom you've accrued over the ages (you are ancient, right?!)...
thank you for being there when IVE needed you.... from the get-go, i knew you were someone i could open up to... and i was right about that.
good point at the end about not holding space for those who are so hell bent on destructive patterns that wont loosen.... sometimes, we just gotta see that and step away.
seriously loved your photos in this and the contextual story and i'm so glad you got a kick ass diving instructor who was a dude who could hold you, quite rare and cool. and of course props to jamie for being there through it all!!!! that supportive partnership means the world. hope his belly heals soon!! XOOXO
Oh YEEAHHHH, we are the new VIP!! LOVE this acronym!!!
I know right, what a timely volcano!
I'm still in awe of this guy. He was Australian, an ex army medic, an ex tuna cowboy, a rig diver, a spearfisherman snowboarding kitesurfer, AND COULD HOLD SPACE FOR ME. That is truly rare, He was one of the type of guys I usually love to hate - you know, muscle bound and adrenalin pumped action dude, fly by the seat of his pants kinda crazy dude - but he was SO EMPATHETIC and caring he just blew me away. What a strange creature and a reminder of how amazing people can be, despite first impressions!!
Thanks for your enthusiasm my lovely - love our chats when they happen and am always up for them. That is if I'm not underwater or being swept away by lava. xx
"I am worth loving as I am, and I don't HAVE to be more like other people."
YES! yes, yes, yes. Such a wonderful lesson to learn, and to share with the rest of the world.
Our emotions are so important; they are messages, and opportunities for deeper understanding and growth. It is such a shame that our society has taught most of us to shame our emotions if they're aren't good. To hide them away, and simply try to be "happy". But our not-so-good emotions are so important as well, and they are NORMAL! We need to learn to not suppress our emotions, but to instead listen to them, welcome them into our souls with open arms, and send love to them. Because in sadness, anger, and frustration, we can learn and we can grow, if we allow ourselves to. We can learn about our triggers and learn to uncover dark parts of ourselves that need healing.
It is important that we all become more emotionally intelligent, and learn to work with and understand our triggers and our emotions.
We don't always know why we're sad, or upset, or anxious, but when they come up, I believe it is important to let them move through us. Sometimes we just need a release. And by trying to ignore these emotions or pretend they aren't there is just delaying the issue, and it will come out again in the future, and maybe on an even larger scale.
I'm glad you were able to find some acceptance with the help of your understanding teacher. I'm glad he gave you that advice and helped you to accept and view your reaction as normal, because it is!
I am happy that you are YOU.
Thank you for another wonderful and well-written post
💜 🙏✨
xxRachel
THanks for your extraordinary comment. I adore your comments and your posts - you write so beautifully and with such compassion, wisdom and understanding.
I couldn't agree more - your comment should be a post all of itself!! xxx
Funny thing, and I'll write about this tomorrow, is that I've ended up with a bloody urinary tract infection today and I'm convinced it's due to the frustration, anger and upset I was feeling - as the bladdder, in Chinese medicine, is associated with these things!! So I've been thinking alot about the damage we do to ourselves physically with teh storing of emotion. It's all good though, as it's something else to learn on this little holiday, and I've got time in this lovely room to think, meditate and process!! xx
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After reading, I wonder if you were experiencing the panic attack due to somebody else's energy in the room? I know that I am highly sensitive and at times have felt negative energies in a place and not known where they were coming from or why. You mentioned an inner-critic and if that voice inside of you was trying to say you were there to relax with loving people and something didn't jive you could have felt panic?
Of course, this is all my own projection, but if it were my dream...
That's a really fascinating way to look at it - perhaps this could be true !! The people I were with were really nice and seemed so calm and my husband was MR Calm himself so I'm not sure. Ithink the problem comes from my relationship with breath as I often panic when I'm asked to breathe - ie ratio breathing - not full on panic like this, but certainly anxiety. I definitely think we can pick up on other's energies, and I wont discount it, but in this case maybe so??