Death’s Rocket
How do you explain death to children?
I don’t believe in any guiding myths or stories of faith, so when it comes to explaining death to my children, I don’t feel like I have much to lead me through the process.
What happens after we die? I don’t know. And when it comes to death, I’m not sure what I actually believe. I am drawn to the idea that we are conductors of energy, and that energy moves from one form to another. In that sense, it seems plausible to me that death would simply be the movement of energy from one form to another. But is consciousness energy? Or is it something else, something that is merely animated by energy while contained in our bodies? And are we, essentially, just a consciousness that is animated in our bodies? How does it all work? I really don’t know. And to be honest, it it’s not something that I spend much time thinking about.
So when it comes to explaining the death and the origins of life to my children, I really don’t know how to go about it.
When my son was three years old, we had a small conversation that has become foundational for the way that I talk about death with both of my children. At the time, we were in the car on the way to his nursery school. I was telling him a story about his mother and I. It was a story about something that happened before he was born. He was listening carefully to me, and then he asked, What about me? Where was I?
Without much thought, I told him, You weren’t born yet, Buddy. But my answer didn’t quite register with him. So, me, thinking that my son must have been some form of energy or consciousness floating around in space somewhere (not necessarily outer space), I told him, while pointing out the window toward the sky, You were somewhere out there. Somewhere in space.
Without hesitation, my son immediately answered, In my rocket ship?
Maybe I should have thought about how I answered this question a little more carefully, but at the time, thinking what he said was cute and that any answer was harmless, I answered, Yep. In your rocket ship.
Since then, rocket ships have become an important part of the way my son imagines the time before he was born and the way he thinks about the time of death.
Earlier this year, my mother-in-law’s cat passed away. It had been in the family for sixteen years and was a cat that everyone was close to. On the night it passed away, we got a phone call. Miu was dying. So we all got in the car and went to my mother-in-law’s house to say our goodbyes.
It was my son’s first real experience with death. It made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to understand what was happening. We were telling him things like Miu is going to go away. We’re not going to see her anymore. You should say goodbye to her. You should thank her for playing with you and being such a good friend.
My son could sense the heavy emotions that everyone was feeling and seemed on the verge of crying. He said that he wanted to leave. Then he said that he wanted to stay. Then, suddenly, he asked about the rocket:
Is a rocket going to take Miu away?
It was that conversation again. Yes, I answered.
When? my son asked. Where is it? I want to see it.
It’s invisible, Buddy.
Invisible? What’s invisible?
It means you can’t see it. It’s an invisible rocket. Nobody can see it. But it will come when Miu dies, and it will take her away.
Our conversation continued in this vain for a while. With the persistence of a four-year old, my son kept insisting that he wanted to see the rocket. And with each insistence, my explanations became more detailed and more specific. Before I knew it, I was talking about the moment of death, about invisible rockets that travel so fast nobody can see them, about a soul-like thing that boards these rockets and is immediately taken out into space.
Of course, none of this really made any sense to my son. Eventually, though, we reached a point where he seemed fairly satisfied and agreed to say goodbye to Miu and go home without seeing her pass away, and without seeing the invisible rocket that I told him was coming for her.
That night, shortly after we left, Miu passed away. The following day, we took her body to a pet crematorium where we had a small ceremony for her and said our final goodbyes.
Upon seeing her body, my son became confused. In his mind, the presence of her body meant the presence of her. The fact that her body remained was testament to the fact that she hadn’t boarded a rocket and returned to wherever it is she had come from.
Again, using the story of the rocket ship, I explained to him that she was gone. That she had left, that the only thing remaining was her body, which would also soon be gone.
Seeing her lifeless body seemed to make my son sad, and possibly even a little scared. Saying his final goodbyes also seemed to make him uncomfortable. In the days that followed, he started saying he wanted to see Miu again. So I told him that Miu was gone, that the invisible rocket had come and taken her back out into space. I told him that when these rockets take people and animals out into space, those people and animals become free to live in the heads and hearts of the people that love them. Then I told him that Miu would always be in his head and heart.
Over the past year, we have had a few losses. I lost a distant but long-time friend to cancer in January and, in February, an uncle whom I was very close to. In May, we lost Miu, and over the summer we lost a couple other pets. Most recently, the preying mantis that my son spent all summer taking care of passed away.
When we buried it behind our house and marked its little grave with two stones and a flower, my son asked me, Is the preying mantis in my heart now?
Yes, I told him.
Then he asked if the preying mantis was inside his sister’s head and heart too, and whether or not it was inside of my head and heart as well.
Again I answered, Yes.
Then he asked if Miu was in my head and heart also, and he asked if my uncle and my friend were there too.
Once again, I told him that they were, that they were all in my head and heart, and that he and his sister also held the pets they had lost in their heads and hearts. I told him his pets would always be there waiting to talk to him should he choose to talk with them, and that he could always see them again by closing his eyes and thinking of them should he want to see them.
I don’t know if I’m doing my children a service or a disservice by talking to them about death in this way, but I do know that I don’t want them to fear death. What I want is for them to recognize death as something that is natural. What I want is for them to understand the importance of life and the importance of the time that is spent with the people and things that are all around them. Not only that, I want them to believe that the people and things they have lost live on within them. It is my hope that they will take comfort in this thought and that it will someday help them deal with the various moments of grief that await them.
As I said earlier, it is difficult to explain such things as death to your children when you don’t have any myths or stories of faith to guide you through the process. By chance, I stumbled upon the imagery of a rocket ship to carry the animated part of our bodies away into space. This imagery seems to work with the vague beliefs I have that we come from somewhere and depart to somewhere, even if that somewhere is nothing but nothingness. I’ve connected this story to the experiences I’ve had in life and the beliefs that I have found comfort in, namely that the departed live on within us, through our thoughts and memories of them.
@boxcarblue, your post is a profound one. It caught my eye, because as a Christian, it is also not easy to explain death to a child. I agree with so many of your notions, except of course that I believe that I will one day be resurrected in a glorified form before my Father. However, I have huge respect for the way that you keep on explaining to your child. In fact, your post is so profound for me, that I will print it for myself, reread it, and maybe make a separate post, also referring to yours, of course.
My first experience of having to try to explain was when a random pigeon was found dead on the roof. I used the idea of the soul moving to another place, an afterlife, if you will, and that is the reason that there is a lifeless body on the roof. Dead. My son immediately summarized it as follows: So, it is the eyes' "look and see", the ears' "hear and listen", and the body's "do" that is gone to another plane, even though the eyes and ears and body are still there.
As the pigeon was inaccessible on the roof, we all watched it slowly disintegrating until there was nothing left.
Sadly, my children grew up and became non-believers for now. Now my comment is almost becoming a post in itself. You did ask some uncomfortable questions, even for me as a Christian. I wish we could have the opportunity to discuss this whole issue around a fire and a glass of wine. (South Africans, you see, do deep discussions around a fire...!)
That sounds like a great way to have a discussion. I don’t know how much I could discuss my belief in the afterlife, though, or what happens at death. Like I said, I don’t really know what I believe, and I only happened on this rocket ship analogy by chance, because of my son’s suggestion
One thing that really struck me in your comment is the way your son was able to rephrase your explanation. It’s really interesting the way children process and make sense of information. I’ve always loved my own son’s rocket response. It was so quick and natural, like, Oh. Of course. That’s when I was flying in my rocket ship. I got it.
I remember when my great grandmother died. I was 4 years old and I didn't quite understand what happened, only thing I knew was that she ''left''. A couple of years later my grandfather became sick with cancer. I always thought that one day he would get well, like it was a cold or something. Eventually one day my cousin took me from school and when we went home I saw my mother crying. I asked her what's happening and then I instantly remembered my great grandmother. It was the moment I understood death, what it was. I asked her ''Is he gone?'' and she noded yes. I felt the real loss of death there. I understood the finallity of this thing in this plane.
As the years passed I really tried to understand death and the consequences. My belief is that we die, on a certain physical/biological context, but on another we transform. I don't know the nature of this transformation, whether it is energy that turns into some other form or something else but I believe in what we call the soul and it's eternal nature. Even if we are simply energy ( personally I believe in something even greater ), this is compatible with the law of conversation of energy, energy doesn't persih, it just transforms.
Awesome post, I really liked the rocket analogy!
Resteemed!
Thanks for the resteem. I had a similar experience when I was four. I don’t know if that led to the sensations I had later, or when these sensations began, but I can remember really feeling paralyzed when thinking about death. It was sort of like being consumed by a vaccuum, an empty space. And I would have these vivid images of bones in dirt come to mind. I suppose they were hallucinations of some kind. I really don’t know, but they definitely bothered me and made me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I’m hoping to avoid that moment of shock with my children. Everyone probably realizes what death is in their own way and at different times, just like your final realization, so despite my efforts, my children might have a reaction like I did anyway. Who knows?
Man. I'm a little jealous. I think you've stumbled on to a really good, effective, and ultimately healthy way to "explain" these things to a child. I am really happy that you happened upon the rocket ship.
When your son grows up, he may not believe in the "rocket ship" anymore, but who of us, even as adults, can really explain it better? The people we've loved and lost live on in our hearts, regardless of what we know (or more accurately, don't know) about all the rest.
This is a beautiful story, man, and I am so glad I read it.
Thanks.
Thanks for the praise and feedback. I really didn’t expect so many people to respond to this the way they have.
The more people I lose, the more I honestly feel like they remain within me, even if only a little bit. With chikdren’s Emotions being so strong, I don’t know if that would comfort them much, but I can imagine them playing alone and suddenly talking to their deceased relatives, pets, etc in a cathartic way.
So far, I’ve found it very helpful to tell children beforehand that someone or something is going to die soon (when I have known) and that it’s time to say your goodbyes and thank yous. It really leads to a good talk about the value of life, which children, I think, can begin to understand.
Very good topic about death. Children are very much excited to know everything about unknown things. You are so sweet papa who wants to teach his kids in a very beautiful way the very true lesson of life. No-one till now have the power to know everything about death, it is a secret truth, we people are merely a character, who had come to the world to play his role. You are fantastic in your job, you describe death in a very positive way, but my kids are very unfortunate, they were the real wittnes of their beloved father. Thanks for sharing such a valuable lesson of life. Have a good day friend.
Well, of course, I never know how long I have on this Earth, and one of my biggest fears is dying when my children are young. Hopefully that won’t happen, but if it does, like it did for your children, I hope I can prepare my children for it at least a little. When my friend died last January, she left behind a three year old. I can’t imagine what that must be like for both mother and daughter.
Wow, that was a deep post @boxcarblue . Since we don't know does it hurt to make something up like "The Rocketship"?
I'm with you on the energy thing, but it's very difficult to conceptualize, maybe string theory tied in with a holographic universe? We know photons are light and particles can travel faster than light due to quantum entanglement so who really knows. It's difficult to think that all of this is for nought though.
Yeah, I definitely can’t say that I have any beliefs regarding death. I just don’t have any idea, but it seems like even if everything goes black, Part of us must continue on in some way or form.
Did you ever see the movie the 13th Fl? Very interesting.
I agree, gotta be something.
No. I’ve never seen that one. I’ll see if I can check it out over the holidays.
Hello. I was with my grandmother when she passed. A sweet, very sweet Victorian lady who had a pure soul. And within a moment of her going, I saw something (her Soul?) rise up above me, an ethereal but very real image (of course, I saw fairies too when I was a child, so take it as you may!) My children have been around Death a little too much for their lifetimes, but they never asked. They're grown now, but I think I may show this to them, and see what they have to say. It seems you are in Japan, a place that fascinates me. Death in Japan seems to have a more varied and deeper, spiritual outlook than here in the States with all the little gods and the various stories the go along with them; also, a closer relationship with Nature, which, if I was there, would have me contemplating quite a bit. Oh yes...I just had a dream a few days ago where my grandmother called me on a phone and said (very clearly, and in a very strong, healthy voice), "Hello! We're here, two doors up at Jupiter!" Hmmmmm......Have a fun Holiday season! :))
That’s an interesting dream and an interesting experience. I’ve heard a lot of people say similar things about the moment of death and have seen photographs that seem to support it. That would be an experience that would move me deeply.
Yes, I’ve been in Japan for eight years now, and I think I’ve definitely been influenced by various aspects of the way they worship the dead over here. I particularly like the idea that the dead return to their homes every August during Obon. Even the way they worship here, at temples and shrines often surrounded by areas of nature, where you tend to feel connected with the natural world and sometimes beyond suits me very well.
This is a great post @boxcarblue and one that I have had with my two oldest girls. I told them that when a person or animal dies that their time here ends and that it is important for us to see goodbye but also to celebrate all the good things they have shared with us. We always spend time talking about then and what memories we have.
I then explain that their body goes back to the earth where it will help to feed everything that we see in nature, so in a way they are still around us everyday as they are part of everything.
I also explain that people can have very different opinions about death and what happens when we die and that that is their right. Their experience of death has been losing one great gran mother, some pets and unfortunately a friend of theirs. They seem content with the answer I have given them, and in the end that is what I believe. I didn't really find it a difficult question to answer.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It seems like you feel pretty sure of your beliefs, which I imagine makes it easier to explain. I don’t really have a set conviction, at least I didn’t think that I did. After answering and responding to all of these great comments, though, I see that I do have some core beliefs that have led me through these discussions quite naturally. I like that you have opened the discussion you’ve had with your daughters to the various beliefs that other people might have. I haven’t gone that far, but that is very important too, helping children to respect others beliefs and also to not feel that their own beliefs are threatened by those of others.
wow. what an intense story. It is tricky to explain to kids. I, unfortunately, dealt with the death of my own parents at a very early age. So there is a bit of fear and trepidation on my part to broach the subject. I try really hard to make sure I don't allow my 6 yo to attach any fear to what is a natural life cycle. We observe the life cycle in nature every day... so I try to make examples of it that way- what happens to make a flower, what happens to the flower at the end of its life cycle., etc. I also don't want to attach any religious beliefs to it, since most are fear based anyway & no one really knows what will happen in a spiritual sense after death. We haven't had to deal with anyone near to us passing away yet, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Right now I am just dealing with her hearing about violent deaths from her classmates who's parents are a bit permissive with what their children watch on the boob tube- which is unfortunate: https://steemit.com/life/@marydouglas/school-bus-spooky-stories-20171221t93534625z
I really enjoyed your post. something to think about.
Thanks for your comment @marydouglas. Of course, I don’t know for sure, but I think that, as you seem to be doing, explaining that death is natural and a part of everyday life is important. My children haven’t dealt with the loss of any close relatives yet either, but I hope that when that time comes they will be as comfortable as anyone can be with the concept of death and loss and will be able to accept it without fear.
This is an amazing writing! I seriously rarely see this kind of writing.
How do you explain death to children is a great question.
When my grandmother passed away, my uncle told his son " She's in heaven " I can't think of anything else to say to a child. it's really hard to explain to him/her.
Thanks for the comment. Yeah, my son learned about heaven at nursery school. It’s something they believe in here in Japan as well. When my son asks about heaven, I talk about heaven, but I try to avoid bringing that imagery and that word up myself. It doesn’t seem to get to the core of things and leads to so many questions. And then there are the worries about He’ll that come with it.
Tricking conversation there, thankfully I have never had to go through explaining that to anyone.
I do remember when my dad died, my niece was about 5 or 6, she suddenly asked who is going to wash grandpa's clothes now? Because she always saw my mum hand washing his shirts yet we had told her that grandpa had gone to another place now. Funny what goes through childrens' mind.....
Yeah. It’s strange, isn’t it? You never know what particular details children will pick up on, or what things they will say to either share or mask their feelings.
When it comes to things like this, I want to be as open and honest as I can with my kids. I can remember the He went away conversation from when I was young, and that didn’t seem to be good enough for me.