My Life's Journey - Life's "CARD" Game - Part 4 - My State Of Mind And A Nightmare Scenario

in blog •  4 months ago  (edited)

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As you have read in the previous part, my brother Nikola has really done an amazing job of staying calm under pressure and he was able to convince the paramedics something was way off with our father. I honestly do not know how he thought of the pencil trick. Earlier that day he saw my dad struggling to pick up the glasses of the floor, but to think of the pencil test took some genius inside of him in the nick of time. I was so proud of my brother, because as you will see it turned out to be crucial as we go along. We are just at the beginning of it all, unfortunately...

If you missed the first 3 parts of the story you catch up by clicking below:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

The Beggining

I can recall the first phone call I got from my brother before he called an ambulance got me worried, but I was still hoping it was the pain medicine creating the problems for my father. I did not think much about it, as I wrote in the first part we all think our fathers are "unbreakable" and nothing can happen to them. And, that is what I was going with. Nothing can happen to my dad. He is a "superhero". But, soon I was about to find out even superheroes have their weaknesses.

The second phone call came in about 2 hours after with my brother making a decision to call the ambulance as something was definitely not well with our father. I honestly still did not react to any of this. I do not know if I was in shock or something, but I just continued like nothing was happening. The third call came in my brother told me about what happened with the ambulance and how they are taking him to the hospital to do more tests. It has still not hit me guys, it has still not hit me something might be very wrong. I was refusing to accept the situation...

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And, then another phone call came in, which hit me like I was blindsided by a semi-truck. On the other end of the line was my brother in one of the most emotional states I have ever heard him be. He was so emotional he could not speak, and tell me anything. I know we were on the phone but I could feel his sorrow and emotions alongside my entire spine and body. I could not get a word out of him. He just kept repeating the same word; "I CAN'T". So I hang up and I tried to call again 10 min after hoping he would calm down so we can talk and he can tell me what happened.

I called again after 10 min and again the same thing. My brother was just too emotional to say a word. But, after 5 minutes of me trying to talk to him without success, my mom picked up the phone. She really did not tell me much, as mothers always try to downplay the situation so we do not get upset. Basically, she told me, Nikola has been emotional for about 2 hours and we are having a hard time calming him down. She told me I should hurry home because things are not looking good, and the state of my father has taken the turn for the worse.

My State Of Mind

After the phone call, hearing my brother being so emotional, and my mother being so cryptic about the state of my father, it does not take a genius to know situations is very serious and I should get home as soon as possible. But, after the phone call, I was in shock. I just sat down in a chair, and I was talking to my friend but the words coming out of my mouth did not make sense. Total shock guys. I needed to gather myself for 5 minutes so my friend leave me alone for a minute. I was not crying, but I had my hands on my face in total disbelief over what was happening. After the initial shock, I gathered myself, refocused on things I need to do now. On things which mattered and that is getting home as soon as possible.

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And, so I did exactly that. I packed really quick, and my best friend offered to drive me back home. The trip from Zagreb takes about 4-5 hours, and it was one of the longest trips I had in my life. For the first couple of hours, all the nightmare scenarios came through my head. On the outside I looked calm, I talked to my friend normally. But, on the inside, it was a raging storm. It is not easy to stop the negative train of thought when it starts. I am a firm believer in that our thoughts create our own reality, and I needed to stop the negative train of thoughts in my head. Our stop at the gas station came at the perfect time as I knew I need refocus and change my train of thoughts.

While my friend was pumping gas and getting some snacks, I just walked away a bit and sat on the sidewalk. This was the only time I allowed myself to cry and let myself go for about 5 minutes. Because right there and then I decided no matter what is happening now I will do whatever is in my power to get my father well again. I decided that any time a negative thought comes to my mind, I will literally say loud NO in my head, and imagine a more positive scenario. This I think was crucial in the way things played out for the next 4 months.

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So this was the moment I shoved all the emotions and everything deep down because I thought in order to make hard decisions you have to focus and not let your emotions cloud your judgment. Exactly there on the sidewalk of the gas station was where I wiped my tears off and did not let them out for a long time after it all finished. I will explain later why this was not the greatest idea, but at the moment I thought it was the right one.

Arriving Home

When I arrived home, it was very late. I hugged my mother real hard and talked to her about it all. My mother told me they had to give my brother some pills to calm down, and I should let him sleep. She told a little bit about what has happened and how things got a lot worse on the way to the hospital and maybe I should prepare myself for the worst. I honestly, stopped her from talking like this right away. Remember guys, our thoughts, create our own reality and we should be careful and mindful about our thoughts. I know my mom means well, and she just wants me to prepare myself. But, in my mind, I did not want to accept the scenario where I was about to lose my father. Not like this, and not without a fight.

I slept very little that night because tomorrow morning we needed to go to the hospital to visit my father in the intensive care unit section. I talked to my brother on the drive to Šibenik about what happened on the way to the hospital in an ambulance the day before. But, I do not think he could off prepared me for what I am about to see when I walked into the intensive care room no matter how well he described it...

To be continued...

Thank you all for reading, have a blessed day, much love for you all,

dbjegovic 💕 💞 💓

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hey my amazing friend

You know why I still refer to you as amazing? Because it takes a really strong person to see through the storms, and cried when needed.

It takes a strong person to realise the mistakes even though it is what usually a strong person would do - see the positive side, be optimistic.

It takes a strong person to keep going on despite of the family fell apart when the strongest in the family fell ill.

Yes, our super hero dad - those who stayed and hold the fort all the years watching the children grew up. Every dad does that: Because I know.

I am watching my dad frail and the pain that slices through my heart can be truly unbearable but we must allow them to still be the best they can be for us. That's what dad's do, they will always try in their power never to let us down or see any weaknesses the moment we're born.

I am glad despite whatever Nikolai kept you updated and in check, including your mom too.

BIG BIG HUGS to you dear friend.

I hope what I went through (and still going through checking on my dad) could give you some assurance that no matter what happens to our parents His love endures forever

I didn't write it here in this platform because I was just too devastated at the time

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@littlenewthings my amazing friend, I got to say I missed your amazing long comments on my post. I truly appreciate your coming from the heart words. I can "feel" those words.

Well, when we were kids our parents took care of us the best way they could. So it is only normal we are there for them now, and we take care of them the best way we can. It is not easy to watch your loved ones in pain and struggling but that is what family is for. To pick you up when you fall down.

Big hugs to you as well, my amazing friend, and I truly appreciate you stopping by and leaving such an amazing comment. Have a blessed day. :)

I can’t imagine getting a phone call like that from my sibling. I know it was challenging controlling your thoughts after that but I’m glad you were able to tell yourself NO when the negative ones surfaced. This is a lot for someone to handle especially when seeing it firsthand. Bless your brother’s heart. You know I’ll be waiting for the next part to see what you saw. My heart is racing now.

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It sure was a big challenge, my amazing friend. The challenge I took on the best way I knew how. But, this was just only the beginning of challenges as you will see when the story unfolds. But, as they say:

"What does not kill you, makes you STRONGER."

I will write the next part this week and you will all have a little clearer picture of what I saw that day and how my summer went from there.

Thank you for your awesome comment. Have an amazing day. :)

My goodness @awakentolife, my stomach is tied in knots just reading this! The fact that you were 5 hours away probably felt like an eternity. I see now what you had to be strong for your family. Your brother couldn't handle it and your mom was trying to smooth everything over. The journey continues...

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Oh it sure felt like an eternity and really not knowing if I am going to see my father alive again was going through my head... Well, my brother, saw it all at its worse and when it all happened. And, it was just a start to it all as you will see in the next part...

Thank you for your comment. Have an amazing day. :)

Your words are very vivid, and powerfully capture how I felt when my mum told me my father was ill, and I was rushing to the hospital. I think at times like this our body often goes into a kind of mind-numbed autopilot state, which allows us to function even though we're in a total panic. That's why I clearly remember every single detail of what happened, as you clearly do too. And of course I'm keen to find out what happened next!

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I do agree with you. It is why I can remember in details everything which happened in 4 months. Our bodies are miraculous "machines" and it always does what is best for you at the moment, but we also have to understand it is as fragile as we are. I "forgot" to take care of mine this summer as I allowed only one thought in my head and that is to get my father better, and well again. But I forgot to take care of myself...

The next part will be graphic as I will describe it in detail what happened when I saw my father in the intensive care unit.

I know what phone calls like that can be and so glad you were able to get home and be with your family during this time, I can only how emotionally challenging it must be writing these posts and reliving the experience

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It sure is, brother. But, I need to go back and let it all out of me because keeping it inside of me was not going well at all as all of those emotions I locked up started affecting my body and my well being. I need to off-load it all... ALL MUST GO, brother. It is the only way.

Thanks for all your support brother, I truly appreciate it. Have a blessed day. :)

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Like I said in a previous comment letting it out is good for the soul and something that one must do I am glad you have this platform with so many supportive people so that you can let it out there

  ·  4 months ago (edited)

And again, ending on a cliffhanger and letting us wait for it. Common man, not cool! :D

Yeah, that was probably the worst decision you could have made for yourself but you already know that and I am happy you came to that realization. Bottling things inside is never the right choice, especially when those things are extreme like in this case because as strong the thing you are pushing down is, the stonger it kicks back. I am just glad that it all went ok. Sure, I am sorry and happy about your father but he is your father and I do not know the man. I am invested in this because of you and how it impacted you and your life so I am looking forward to reading the next part and getting the full story out of you. Much love honey, this has shaped you and influenced you more than you realize. I think you have a pretty good feeling about how it changed you and impacted you deeply but there is more to our subconscious than it meets the eye and I am sending you all the love and support in the world to be there for you and tell you that you are ALWAYS much stronger than you think and should ALWAYS be proud of yourself. 💚💚💚

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I agree, probably was not a good idea for myself to block and shove it all down. I should off blocked them while I needed to make some tough decisions, but release after. Even though in theory it sounds great, but not an easy thing to do. And, you are right, the STRONGER it kicks back. But, for me, it started kicking 2 months after all was over. It just connected all at ones and not only from summer but from my entire life. I don't know how to explain it. My body went into "ALL OUT VIRUS CLEAN OUT". I will write a separate a post about it. But, I am sure cleanout was triggered by my meditation practice...

I think this summer was a tipping point to something special happening to me. Something which is hard to explain in words, but it has sure sparked a huge change in my life. I feel worse is behind me, but some days were just "crazy." All those emotions basically from my entire life hit me all at once... But, like you said you never know how strong you are until you are literally pushed to your breaking point. And this summer, and even now I went beyond it. :)

Thank you my amazing friend for such an amazing, coming from the heart comment. It takes a special kind of AMAZING person to write it. You are AWESOME HUMAN BEING and you should be proud of yourself as well. I truly appreciate your words of encouragement and wisdom. Sending you a big 2-meter tall hug and love. 💚💚 @zen-art

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