Capabilities and Capacities

It has been a while I haven't posted. I have done a quick post telling everyone I was sick and then another asking help with music for a party I was hosting. And then it has been a while once again.

What I would like to do is touch base on certain things to help understand why things can be the way they are using my experiences and understandings.

You all know how this platform works. To success and grow we need to post daily, comment and support a plenty. Keeping this a tight community built on love, care, dedication, time and hope. But what do we do for those that want to succeed and be part of something so great yet struggle with certain things that are needed to grow on here? The ones that are more silent yet still have a strong voice....maybe?

I am one of those people. I go through phases where I can post more often during a week and sometime I just write one post in a week, maybe even 2. But I think it's time to share with you all a bit of something you may or may not know and/or feel.

Since I have started on Steemit I have always thought to myself of how great this place is. We all know it and all read it on someone else's post as we are so grateful to have this. But with that, I have often 'burdened' myself that I have to write something everyday, possibly more than once in a day to be able to make it to the top. Find the right people and they will bring you along. As time passed by, I noticed a pattern within myself.
If I were to look at my postings as though there was a chart, I would be seeing waves rather than a straight line going upwards. The peak of the waves show when I post the most and the lows being when I don't. Sometimes I tell myself that's bad and that I owe it to my followers to write something and let them know I'm still alive.

But there is that one thing that lingers. The capability and the capacity. As a mother I can say that it gets hard to write. Trying to find the time to write in between the school hours and cleaning and making meals, homework, baths and playtimes. But that's not the only thing.
It can get hard to explain but I will try my best. It's like a lingering thing, perhaps a mental state or from being tired or the number of reasons I can think of... may only be excuses, I don't know. But sometimes even though I have something to write about, something that I really want to share, I just can't. The capability is there but I am lacking something else. I am missing the capacity to do so. Sometimes I will get excited. Like I get excited with the tattoo party I had and I will have something awesome to write and share with you all. It has been 2 days since and I cannot, for the life of me, come up with something to write. It's like my brain is too full yet so empty.
I wanted to write things months ago and never got around to it because of this same reason. I will spend my time chatting on discord with an empty tab open waiting for me to write something. Sometimes I get a title in and most of the time it's empty. I wouldn't say that it's a writer's block as I have the imagination to write stories that have entertained a few people. But what is that? That lacking of capacity and how to grow it? Can a person that lacks that one thing still be able to grow on this platform through care and hope?
The work is there. The struggle and the constant thinking of writing, trying to find great content and end up feeling like I got nothing in the end when I truly do.... what is that? Or perhaps I have the capacity and not the capabilities.
These two words have been sitting in my brain, lingering like if they were sitting in the back row seats in a movie theatre making bunny ears and bird shadows with the projector.
So how do we make it work? I have followed people and because of this I have sadly let go. I told myself over and over again for a long time, 'today I will go through my feed and catch up with them. I owe it to them.' And I do, but I can't. There is too much. Maybe if I just do a couple everyday. My god, you are all such amazing people, great writers and I have stopped everything and yet I still want to support.
I have to say that one way I have helped myself through this hardship is by including myself in 2 great communities. The Helpie community and The Steemitbloggers. I am in other discord channels as well but haven't been able to make myself part of them. Another way I have helped myself is just through talking to people. I live a lonely life and so talking to people is one thing that makes me feel good and those that I have stuck to this entire time... Well... Thank you for sticking with me also. I am very grateful to have gotten to know some of you. Because of you I have gotten the chance to be where I am today as I cannot solely rely on myself to get there.
Even right now I am struggling to come up with the right way of saying what I have been planning to say from the beginning and it feels as though I am trailing into something else or I am just not spitting it out right and usually this is where I erase it all and not post a thing. I hope I am not the only one that deals with whatever this is. So many of you can write so much and that is so fantastic! Bravo, I am proud of you. You can do what I cannot and from that I see what you really do and see your hard work. And that is something I admire.
I guess I am still trying to find my place in here. My reason has been because I want to connect with good people, have great conversations and just not be so lonely but then... I have once again made myself lonely as I just don't post constantly, I don't comment as much as I use to and man I wish that I could! I was having so much fun! What the heck happened?
I think the purpose of this post is to perhaps help you see that everyone has different capabilities and capacities for certain things and to appreciate what a person can offer. There is so much that I appreciate and am thankful for. I just need to show it a little more.

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