[ORIGINAL FICTION] Where Did the Time Go?
I recently wrote a short story for a contest that @markrmorrisjr ran on the following post (link). I thought the idea I came up with was interesting, but was under done. I wanted to develop that idea and see if I could make something of it. The following story is my effort at attempting to accomplish that.
Where Did the Time Go?
Fraser was out of the apartment, finally. He felt like he had been cooped up there all week. Apart from a couple of quick excursions to the local shop for some emergency supplies he had actually been stuck within his own four walls for some time now. And he had the weather to thank for it. He watched in disbelief, as the rain fell day after day. “Had there been a break in the rain for the last seven days?” he wondered. If there had been it was too minor for him to recall. The grey, dreariness seemed to hang over the city with a suffocating ferocity.
But today was different. As Fraser had opened his eyes upon waking he noticed something different in the room. Sunlight was filtering in through the thin curtains he had hanging over his one small window. It normally made no difference to the quality of light that entered the room. And perhaps today was no different, but after growing accustomed to the constant dimness of light available, he was struck by just how vibrant it seemed. He knew he would soon grow accustomed to it, but for the time being he was appreciating just how much his own mood was instantly changed by the arrival of the sunlight.
He had wanted to get out as quickly as he could. How long did he have before the weather changed? He didn't know, and wondered at his pessimistic attitude. “Not to worry,” he thought, as he hopped onto the local bus on his way to meet up with a friend at the shops not far from where he lived. It seems Fraser wasn't the only one wanting to get out whilst the chance was there. As he had readied himself, just wanting to get out even if he had no reason, he received a message from Joshua, one of his classmates.
“I'll meet you at the Fox and Hounds,” he wrote back, before remembering to add “give me about 30 minutes.”
The bus arrived to his destination quicker than expected. Fraser decided to get off a stop early and take a walk past the shops. To see if anything new was happening. There was a second hand shop on the way that he liked to visit. "There could be something useful that's just arrived," he thought, hoping for it to be the case. He did like finding odd or unique items. Something no one else had. It gave him a feeble sense of one-upmanship when it occurred.
The sun was bright now, gracing all with it's presence. Fraser felt the mood of all around him lift, as did his own. “Wish we could get sun everyday,” he thought. “I hate feeling so down all the time.” He was remembering just how moody the weather could make him as he reached the “High Street Pawn Brokers”. “Well they are a Pawn Broker, and this here is High Street,” he thought, as he usually did every time he went there.
As he entered he saw Joe, the owner, standing behind the counter. Joe was a larger than life character. Not the most charming man, but usually to the point when Fraser had a chat with him. He liked that about him. What you see is what you get. Fraser nodded his head to Joe as if to say hello.
“I've got some new items over here. Just came in yesterday and today.” Joe knew what Fraser was interested in. They had conversed enough times for a pattern to reveal itself.
Fraser wandered over to the display that Joe gestured him to. A couple of pieces of jewellery. “Not today,” he thought. “They may be worth a look, but some other time.”
Then he noticed a strange looking watch. It had a face on it, but no hands, just a series of numbers. It appeared that the numbers from one to twelve were listed, but they seemed to move somehow. “How do you tell the time with this,” he thought, as he hovered halfway between confusion and intrigue at the sight of this strange looking time keeping device.
“Can I take a look at this one here?”
Joe wandered over, and reached into the cabinet.
“Not even sure if this one works, to be honest. Just came in this morning. I can't seem to get it to do anything. Thought it looked interesting. The leather band on it is in good nick.”
Joe handed the watch to Fraser. He took a good look at it, and noticed it had nothing unusual on it, except perhaps a large dial at the bottom edge of it. “Perhaps this winds it up,” he thought.
“Try it on,” Joe suggested. He really just wanted to offload it, and he knew Fraser would most likely go for it, perhaps with a little persuasion.
Fraser knew he had only a few minutes before he needed to be at the Fox and Hound, and he hated being late. “Let's take a quick look at this and see if I like it on,” he thought. He placed the band around his wrist and clipped it in.
“You have no idea what this does?” he asked Joe, already knowing the answer. “But it does look good. In a steam punk sort of way.” Joe had no idea what he meant, but agreed anyway.
“How much do you want for it, Joe?”
Joe gave the impression of giving the question some thought. “Make it twenty quid.” He had decided on a price when he first saw Fraser show some interest in it.
Fraser had no problem with the price. He just hoped he could find out what it did. How it worked. He placed the twenty pounds on the counter.
“I do like this,” he said. “I just hope it's not broken.” And as he said that he pressed the large dial on the bottom. It seemed to set something in motion. Fraser could hear something start to stir, perhaps some of the little gears were coming to life. Then he felt something shift, he wasn't sure what it was. Something outside of the watch. In the atmosphere around him.
He heard himself say the words he had only just said, “I do like this. I just hope it's not broken.” He wondered why he was repeating himself.
Then he heard himself say it a third time. He looked down at the watch. As he heard himself say “broken” for a fourth time, he became aware of something truly horrifying. This time device that looked like a watch was some sort of time keeping device. And it was broken.
Fraser watch over and over again, as he pressed the button, and said the words. He found himself stuck, in a loop. The watch was broken. So too now, it seemed, was Fraser.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this story. If you liked it please give an upvote, and feel free to leave a comment. I try to respond to all comments. To stay up to date with new releases you may follow me at @naquoya where you will also find my earlier works.I write fiction, concentrating on SciFi, Fantasy, Horror from the Psychological end of the spectrum.I also write poetry, with the occasional article or essay on topics of interest.
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Well done. I know you've heard this but the one thing I would add to any critique here would be to say, be careful that you are showing, instead of telling. If your shop keeper is a larger than life character, have him show me. I know it, because you said it but then he acted like a perfect British gentleman. Maybe I'm just too American, but he certainly wouldn't earn that description here from what we see in the story. I love the opening, him being imprisoned, as it were, by the rain. Charming story, a nice expansion, glad you were inspired!
I always welcome constructive criticism. I appreciate that. More for me to work on as I formulate other ideas. And you are right, I should have seen that in my writing of the story. Thanks for your comment and feedback.
Awesome - I liked your story in "comment" form, but I like this fleshing out even better!
Thank you @geke. I liked the story I wrote, well certainly the idea presented. But I feel this works better. Glad to hear you feel that way too.
One thing I didn't like about the challenge was how rushed it all was. No time to really edit anything. I think the challenges and flash writing are great, but of course, I don't normally work that way. :)
I liked it as an ideas generating concept. But I was lucky in the sense I was online when the article was posted, so I had a bit of time. But I did rush myself, so on rereading it it does seem stifled. But I still liked the idea, and wanted to see where I could take it, with a bit more time.
This is a pretty cool short story :)
Thank you @getonthetrain.