When the partner's children visit

Everyone has their own personal story. In times when every third marriage is divorced, it is almost normal for the partner to have children from a different relationship - and they belong to the family and should be harmoniously integrated during visits.

If you fall in love, contract and decide to have children together, the children from previous partnerships are an important issue. These children are indisputable facts, both financially and emotionally and in time weight. In the new relationship, both partners need to find a way to deal with the situation appropriately - and that is not always exhausting or difficult, but on the contrary, it can have a positive impact on the relationship.

The first commandment - honesty

Already at the beginning, in the first infatuation phase already existing children should be topic. Openly and honestly, you should speak with your partner about desires, fears and expectations, regardless of whether you or your new love bring the offspring into the relationship. Important information that should come on the table are for example:

• What is the relationship with the child?
• What is the relationship with the mother or father of the child?
• What are the current visitor regulations?

At the beginning you do not have to talk about money - but at the latest when you want to contract with your new partner, that too has to become an issue. For alimony payments make a negative impact and can load or unload the budget depending on the constellation.

Parallel worlds

Depending on the circumstances, there are different constellations that can cause different problems. In any case, you should be clearly aware of your role and try to bring understanding to everyone involved. This is especially true when there are conflicts.

The partner who brings a child into the relationship - even if it does not live with you - should be particularly aware of his position. When the child is there, he or she is always the first father or mother and then relationship partner. This is important so that the child does not feel excluded and unwanted during a visit. This is a stress test and can lead to relationship problems if there are no clear rules. Talk to each other and clarify the competencies and behaviors that apply to both of you. Above all, the following point should be clarified: How far are the competences of the partner who is not the parent of the child? How far may he be educated? If you agree that you "educate" both, then you must pull together. However, it is generally better if the partner builds a friendly relationship with the child because the child already has two parents. Loyalty conflicts of the child are thus avoided or at least minimized.

Guest or family member

A child always carries suffering and joy with it and can not pretend. If the child suffers from the separation from one parent, the new partner will also feel it. If the parent with whom the child lives incites it against the other, this will also be noticeable with every visit. It is important to provide the child with security in his "second" family and that regardless of whether common children are present or not. The smaller the child, the more important it is.

Experience has shown that it is even easier if there are already children in the second family. Even if the visiting child feels jealousy and envy, it comes in an environment that is geared to children and it has one or more people, where it can orientate itself to age and with whom it can play. This often takes the visitor's somewhat strange special position.

How is it for the visiting child?

The situation is a bit strange at first. If the child had previously visited the parent who does not live with him, there were joint activities, in the morning long cuddling in bed and undisturbed time as a couple, in which the child could enjoy being together undisturbed. Now the situation changes fundamentally. It has to share - it weighs twice as hard as it is the parent it seldom sees anyway. Especially older children can react here very sensitively and with strong jealousy and rejection. Only one thing helps here: Give the child time to become familiar with the new situation and show him that it has lost nothing, but has gained a friend and playmate - your new partner.

Did I forget something? Can you think of any more points?
I´m looking forward to your experiences and additions.

Other Dad-Chronicals Stories

DADDY is no Barbapapa

attachment-parenting-education-with-heart-and-mind

Couch Potato, Bookworm, Computer Freak - When kids just sit at home

Theory of Mind - Children can already empathize with others

Creative-trap planning - or why free play is so important for children

What children need - and what they can do without

To want of things - about children's consumption behavior

The hair of my daughter - styling tips for fathers

Patient children - a contradiction in terms?

Nakedness and the childish sense of shame

playing with Children while having fun

My daughter a real WINNER

Buying shoes for the Kids

---

Follow VimmTV (@vimm) for frequent updates, contests and giveaways for our early adopters!