Why Veganism Is The Healthiest Diet For Humans (A Satirical Piece) - Vegans and Non-vegans are Invited

in #satire6 years ago (edited)

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That is it! I’ve had enough of beef and chicken. I am going vegan. In fact, I am vegan already. Below, I have outlined many reasons why veganism is the healthiest choice. If you don’t agree with me, please let me know. DON’T FLAG ME.

Veganism contains everything you need

As humans, we have basic nutritional needs. Everyone of us. Those bloody meat-eaters will tell you that they get all of their required nutrients from eating plants and animals. Well, that’s a big fat lie. You can meet your nutritional needs completely by going vegan. Of course, there are useless vitamins like vitamin B12. I don’t care about them. You say what? I could run risk of so many diseases due to nutritional deficiencies? Well, I don’t give a shit about my life or the fact that other people do. I’ve made up my mind. If you see me popping supplements, just know I use them as sweets.

Veganism doesn’t hurt animals

Have you been to a slaughter house lately? Hell, you should go there and see how animals are brutally murdered and shredded. It’s simply awful. Know what doesn't hurt animals? Veganism. Let me explain. When we earmark a land for cultivation, we focus on the plants alone. We bring in our tractors and machineries to till and cultivate the soil (foolish animals that stand in our way will get killed of course). Furthermore, we spray pesticides to ward off (and preferably kill) pests and rodents who want to share in our produce. Lastly, we don’t mind taking over natural habitats of animals as long as we get the plants we need.

Veganism is 100% unique and tasty

Yes, I said it, believe it. The human taste bud is designed for plants alone. That is why meat tastes like shit and milk tastes like piss. And to remind vegan newcomers of how shitty meat tastes, we design our plant-based foods to taste like meat, sorry shit. We do not crave for meat. We are ready to open up our tastes buds. But once in a while, we want to remember how shitty meat tastes. We know you are watching, so we rather create food that tastes like meat. The same thing applies to milk and cheese.

Veganism doesn’t hurt life

We do not hurt lives. We are the real definition of humane. That said, plants do not have lives. Forget what you learnt in school. Plants are just there, like sand, stone and water. Of course, we cannot depend on sand, stone and water. We choose plants. We eat plants. That’s why we don’t give a fuck on how many trees are killed per day. We don’t care. Plants aren't alive. Only humans and animals are. (Some fake vegans eat fish. Why? I don’t know. Oh, fishes have fish brain, so they are retards and it’s okay to kill them)

Veganism has a perfect moral compass

As vegans, we do not tolerate nonsense. We are disciplined people. Sometimes, the very animals we are trying to save come back to disturb us. Well, if we tried to keep an animal alive and it’s becoming a nuisance, we’ll kill it. That’s fucking right! A scorpion walks into my neighbourhood, it’s dead. A mouse tries to steal cheese from my kitchen, that’s going be its last meal. A bull strays into my farm, destroying my crops, it’s gonna wake up in animal’s heaven (or hell, I don’t give a fuck). Of course, we do nothing with the body. It’s wasted right? That’s the idea. We are not jobless meat-eaters who put the flesh, hide and bone (and sometimes horn) to good (and creative) use.

Veganism increased awareness isn't being driven by profit

Are you following the news? Vegnism is the new blood (or orange or black or whatever). And this is obviously because of its great health benefits. What did you say? Corporations are trying to skim profits off it? Nah, you got that wrong bruv. The entire hype has no quest for pecuniary benefit underneath it. It’s just like Steemit. The money doesn’t matter. No one is gaining massively from the increased popularity and advertisements.

Aright folks, that’s all for now. Let me quickly add that a few insects were killed while producing this piece. Fucking ingrates wouldn't get off my computer screen.

That’s a wrap

This is my entry for the VEGANISM IS THE HEALTHIEST DIET Contest by @anjkara. The last time she threw open a contest like this, I sent in the only entry and scored free 5 SBD. It’s day 6 already and it seems this is the only valid entry. So I guess, history’s going to repeat itself. (Hope Anj doesn’t read this part).

In case of any doubt, I’m neither a plant or animal eater. I just love chicken, beef, rice, beans, yam and cassava flour. (LAUGHS) (I wonder what’s @penderis’ take on this though…)

Thanks for reading

Blessings

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Seems this issue of veganism is the trending topic now.. Just seeing it everywhere

Nice piece. But I'm a vegan lol

Thanks

Sorry about that

Nice, I love your usage of satire and strong language

Thanks boss

I'm glad you understand my use of language.

Blessings

...beht i dont agree with two of the headlines...

veganism doesn't hurt animals
veganism doesn't hurt life

Only a D_tube session can help get all my thoughts out sef...so i'll just come and be going away.

Lovely write-up regardlest, plx share some SBDs after you win!!!

Thanks for stopping by

...beht i dont agree with two of the headlines...
veganism doesn't hurt animals
veganism doesn't hurt life

First, I'm glad you didn't use the flag option. Are you a vegan? I'll like to see the video.

Thanks for the upvote

Blessings

lol...flag ke!?! who am i???
i'm not a vegan...lol

...the circle of life involves plants (in general) right!!?!!

Great article this is, very informative you spelled out intensively your opinion on veganism you can still reduce the vulgar. Steemon!!

The "vulgar" is just an act, forgive me if it's too intense.

I'm glad you think it's a great piece. Think it's great enough for a resteem?

Vulgar: this is all about personal taste; everyone has a different measuring stick. Personally, I think it's ok for writers to express themselves in any way they want. Just as readers, we seek out and enjoy writing we feel most comfortable with.

AWESOME!

HAHAHAH Gray! You did it again. You WON!

What a wonderful, creative and beautiful vegan you'd be. Thanks.

As soon as my wallet allows, I'll get onto payments. The sixwordstory comp is due for payout too. Haven't had any luck with my efforts so far today. Steemit's full of bugs. Quick, please get some vegans to kill them.

PS LOLZZZZZ XD

Really?

OMG!!

You should host more of these kinda contests, you know. (Special contests for me alone) LOL

The sixwordstory comp is due for payout too. Haven't had any luck with my efforts so far today.

In terms of payouts? That's not cool. I think you should not promote the next six words contest and see what happens...

Steemit's full of bugs. Quick, please get some vegans to kill them.

(looks around) Consider it done.

I'm glad you like it, really glad. I haven't written satire in a while coz I'm scared of being misinterpreted or even attacked.

Blessings

Gray

Lol They're starting to look like Gray's competitions aren't they :D

I hope you're not scared off by others' opinions. When they react, you know your satire is hitting the target. It's working. It's a fun form of writing and you're so brilliant at it.

Ok, looks like the steemit glitch has passed. I'll sort your prize winnings out now.

Received

Thanks a lot

I hope you're not scared off by others' opinions. When they react, you know your satire is hitting the target. It's working. It's a fun form of writing and you're so brilliant at it.

😄

Awesome points!! I'm a born vegan. I don't make any choice but I'm happy. All research indicating more benefits than challenges.

That's not actually true. Much of the science it's based on is shaky and inaccurate.

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