"You can't do anything right" is listed as the first sign of abuse on The National Domestic Violence Hotline

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Have you ever been told by your partner, that "You can't do anything right"? How often does it happen? If your partner is doing that quite often, then chances are you are in an abusive relationship. One of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that you can't do anything right.

According to Joe Navarro, everyone may have a bad day and some of them may lash out, out of the blue due to their stress when you make a small mistake. That does not make a person toxic. However, when a person is constantly lashing out on a regular basis and zooming into every minute mistakes that you have ever done or things that are actually not mistakes, but they consider it wrong because they are something different than what they think is right for you, then you are with a toxic person i.e. an abuser. In such a case, we might be looking at someone who is emotionally unstable and in need of help.

Moreover, Joe Navarro has also mentioned that, things may seem to be fine for a minute and turn into explosive outbursts in the next minute. Nasty verbal assaults that last for hours may take place, leaving you scared, degraded and bewildered. You will never feel that you can relax around them because even an innocent gesture may turn into a disaster. Hence, people tend to stay in such relationships out of love and kindness, thinking that it might change the abuser.

"No amount of goodness or contriteness on your part will ever get them to change. The person that is forced to change is you, the victim, who will have to learn to either “take it” as one victim told me or to become so risk averse that you can never speak your mind nor enjoy being in the same room with this emotionally unstable personality." - Joe Navarro M.A. (a 25 year veteran of the FBI and the author of 'What Every Body is Saying' and 'Dangerous Personalities')

In my last relationship, the phrase "You can't do anything right" was the phrase that my ex used the most after the three words. I was constantly walking on eggshells. Even when I did things at my level best, he always found something that was not enough or that did not meet his expectations. Nothing I ever did was enough. As I tried to fit into his figment of a 'perfect lover' by fulfilling all his needs and demands, his list kept growing longer of the things that I needed to be and to do to meet his expectations and needs.

No one is perfect and to be imperfect is to be human. But, for him, to be imperfect and to be with flaws was to be worthless. In order to make me into the 'perfect lover' that he wanted me to be, he tried to groom me by demanding me and threatening me into doing the things that he wanted me to do to make him happy and when I couldn't meet all of his needs and expectations, he punished me by abusing me further.

He said "You deserve my mistreatment and abuse because you are full of flaws and faults". I will never ever forget those words. They are like burn marks that are going to stay forever on my heart. I might learn to live with all the pain that he caused, but I will never forget any of them because they are like scars, they will stay there forever as a reminder of what has caused the most pain in my life. He was basically saying that to be flawed is to be worthless and therefore, I deserve to be mistreated and abused which is why he did not see anything wrong and felt justified with his actions. Lundy Bancroft has described the similar issues and incidents in his book, that it is how abusers perceive things. Like he stated on his book, I did feel bad and knew it was not right, but I held on because I thought that my patience and understanding can change him, which was wrong.

"The symptoms of abuse are there, and usually the women sees them: Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her on fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her than she does. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, 'I just can’t seem to do anything right'."-Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

If you are going to get into a relationship, find someone who love you the way you are. Find someone who don't try to change you to fulfill their definition of a 'perfect lover'. Love is unconditional and someone who love you will love your flaws as well. Real love should be effortless and it will nurture itself without putting up all that hardwork of trying to change into a 'perfect lover'. To be flawed is to be human and if your partner says:

I will love you if you make no mistakes

I will love you if you do what I say

I will love you if you give me what I want

I will love you if you are perfect

Then, he or she is not right for you. As @nomad-magus has mentioned in his post, the right relationship will work effortlessly. Choose to have a loving and nurturing relationship rather than a relationship where you are being constantly reminded of how much of a worthless lover you are because you are being human i.e. flawed.

Sources:
Eggshell Relationships
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Learn the early signs of abuse / Get Support:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Malaysia – Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO): +603 7956 3488
(Mon to Sat: 9am - 5pm. Also Tues, Wed and Fri: 7pm - 10pm) or
Whatsapp TINA: +6018 988 8058 (24 hours)

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