Psychology: The Cruelty of Silent Treatment - It Activates the Part of Brain That Detects Physical Pain

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The silent treatment is an act of ignoring someone or refusing to acknowledge their presence. It is a way of inflicting pain on a person without creating any evident bruises on their body. According to Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies, the silent treatment is extremely damaging to a relationship. This is because it is unhealthy. Take note that the silent treatment is neither about taking some time away or a break before continuing a discussion or an argument nor it is about going no contact after ending a relationship.

The silent treatment occurs when one partner simply goes on ignoring the other partner as if they do not exist. This can go on for a few hours, days and sometimes even weeks. People choose this method to punish or abuse their partner because they won’t be held for any accountability and it is easier to get away. It is often disguised as a dignified way of responding while confronting an unpleasant issue or when the other partner disagrees on something or is not willing to give them their way.

On the other hand, according to Kipling Williams, a Psychology Professor who has studied ostracism for twenty years, isolating and ignoring someone, by giving them the silent treatment or a cold shoulder, are methods chosen to punish or manipulate, and most people do not realise how severe the emotional and physical harm being done. The scientific fact is that the ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us. Hence, the pain registers irrespective of the person causing it.

"Even a brief silent treatment is enough to activate the anterior cingulate cortex which is the part of the brain that detects physical pain."

So, basically the people who give the silent treatment are causing real pain to the victims without touching them, causing inner wounds. The intensity of the pain is the same regardless of who is behind it. It can be anyone, a friend, family member, an intimate partner or even an enemy. Abusers use this method to control their partners or people who closely associate with them. These emotionally immature people get a false sense of power by causing constant disdain and feel inflated when the ignored partner comes begging for their attention just to be noticed.

In my experience, I was given the silent treatment by my then partner since the beginning. I made a mistake by not taking it seriously. I overlooked it. The first time was when I was having a hard time but this person who was my then friend, was busy ignoring me. So I suffered all alone but another friend of mine understood something was wrong and was there for me. As I committed into a relationship with him, the silent treatment became one of the weapons that he used to punish me and at a point it was every single day. It hurt a lot.

However, when I explained it to the person, he never took it seriously and continued the same pattern. It was cunning and cruel because it made me feel rejected and reduced. No matter how many times I try to tell him about the severity, it never registered in his mind because he felt justified and blamed me by saying, “You made me treat you this way”. It was scary because my loved one removed the love and devotion that he once pledged when we committed because having control over me was more important than how it made me feel.

One of the things that triggered him to choose this method to inflict pain on me was not doing what he asked to do. He wanted me to readily do whatever it is he asked and if I choose a different thing he gets angry. On the other hand, an event that I can recall is when I visited my relatives in the village. He was upset that I did not text him often and when I finally got the time to talk he ignored me. Another thing that provoked him was bringing up his other abusive behaviours. When I confronted him once, he said “If you want an apology, wait for a minute”. Then, I realised that he blocked me everywhere including on the phone and just left.

There were times when I was at the time of need, for instance, being sick or sad because of an issue, he was unavailable and was not there for me. It made me really upset, sad and I felt like I was being abandoned. As the relationship matured, I stopped expecting him to be there for me so I don’t feel the void of his absence as deeply as I did before. Nevertheless, it did not work for long as I missed him terribly during his absence and learned to accept it.

Please do not make the mistake that I made. If your friend or potential partner does this to you before things get serious, take it as a red flag because the closer you get, the more often it is going to happen. If your partner is ignoring you and pretend that you don’t exist, or block you on their mobile so you can’t text or call them and block you on social media to stop communication, you are in a toxic relationship. Communication is an important part of the evolution of human beings and when someone is ignoring us, it blocks the doorway for this.

In the end it is you who is going to be in a lot of pain. The person inflicting the pain will be fine because obviously they are not the one going through it but you are the one who is going to bear that hurt and it is going to take time for you to heal. Therefore, if you see such signs in the beginning of the relationship, do take it seriously and don’t overlook it like I did. Do not settle down for an emotionally abusive relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way. Have a safe and healthy relationship, everyone.

Sources:

The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment
Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism

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