"Gaslighting Led Woman to Suicide" - What is Gaslighting and the Signs of Being Gaslighted

yashny (65)in #psychology • 5 years ago

Image source: Pixabay

Greetings Steemians. Today, I am going to share an important information that I think everyone should know and share with others. I came across a news about a young woman who died because her toxic partner gaslighted her for a long time and in the end she ended up taking her own life.

What is Gaslighting

Gaslighting is extreme form of psychological abuse used by abusers to keep their victim in a confused state and doubt their reality. The term is derived from a 1938 movie called Gas Light. I will explain about the movie and how gaslighting has been used in it in a different section of this post because there will be spoilers and in case you would like to watch the movie and prefer not to know the details, then you can skip that part. Gaslighting causes the victims to question their own sanity, instincts, emotions and reality due to the extreme confusion caused by the abuser. It happens gradually and generally, victims hardly realize that they are being gaslighted by the abusers. These techniques are frequently used by narcissists, sociopaths and many abusive partners using a behavioural pattern of manipulating and deceiving of their partners.

Gaslighting Techniques used by Abusers

Trivializing

The abusive partner will try to undermine the way they make you feel. For instance, they do something that hurt, scare or traumatize you and when you cry or get angry, they say that you are over reacting or being overly sensitive. These are the kind of people who will stab you and get upset when you cry out of pain.

Forgetting/Denial

The abuser will deny a promise that they have made in the past or something that they have said before. For instance, when you bring up an issue that puts them in a bad light, say for example you say that they called you names and you expect them to apologize for their toxic behaviour. At that moment the abuser will suddenly get 'toxic amnesia' and forget what they have done and deny they did it and ask you to prove it to them.

Withholding

The abuser will pretend not to understand or refuse to listen to anything that you say. For instance, if you try to tell them that they have a bad behaviour of disrespecting everyone or stealing things, they will pretend not to listen to you or say that they don't to hear any words from you.

Blocking/Diverting

The abuser acts as if they are not paying attention to the subject and quickly divert the topic to something else. For example, you come up with a new business idea and instead of joining you in the discussion they will question you whether you got the idea from your best friend or someone they are jealous of. Now, you have to prove to them that the idea is yours and not your friend's. That way the entire topic is changed now.

Countering

The abuser will keep questioning your memory of events and even when you remember them correctly, they will accuse you of not remembering them correctly. These events could even be your life before meeting the abuser and they will act as if they know about your life better than you do.

Signs that you are being gaslighted

You find yourself constantly apologizing to your partner.
You are withholding information from your family and friends to avoid being judged, criticized or having to deal with explaining things to them.
You are unable to understand why do you feel unhappy although your life is going good.
You keep asking yourself whether you are too sensitive or overreacting.
You feel confused or even crazy most of the time.
You make excuses for your partner's bad behaviour to your family or friends.
You feel as if you can't do anything right.
You know that something is seriously wrong with your partner and in your relationship but you are not sure what it is.
You feel that you used to be a different person before getting into a relationship with your partner.
You keep wondering whether you are good enough.
You keep second guessing yourself.
You feel hopeless and as if all the joy in your life has been sucked out.
You begin lying to your partner to avoid put downs and the reality twists.
You find difficulties in making simple decisions.

Gaslight movie

In this movie, there is a married couple living in an apartment. The husband goes out of their home to the unit upstairs regularly and every time he turns on the light upstairs, it dims the lights in their own apartment. His wife realized this and hence she confronts him. He denies it and lies that he did not go anywhere and tried to convince her that she was imagining it all. The wife gets confused and she believes him that she was imagining the dimming of the lights. That is how the term gaslighting was derived.

Real life events of gaslighting and my own experience.

I have been gaslighted before by an abuser. He does horrible things and when I cry or express how awful I feel, he will say that I am overreacting and being overly sensitive because according to him abuse is something normal and happens in every relationship. He tried hard to convince me that it is acceptable and one should just accept and learn to live with their abusive partners instead of confronting or leaving them. I did have some knowledge about the signs of abuse in general and thus he did not succeed in gaslighting me.

Another example of gaslighting is something that a woman from my support group experienced. The abuser that she was with will take her and her children out to a forest for tracking activities and isolate her alone and hide behind the trees. Once she gets panic and feel that she is lost, they will suddenly come out of nowhere and he will say that they were not hiding and were present there the whole time. It took some time for her to realize that he was doing it on purpose and it was well calculated to put her in a state of confusion.

What to do if you are being gaslighted?

If you feel that you are being gaslighted by your partner, make a journal. Write down events so that you will be able to keep a better track of them and not easily fooled by your partner. Keep the screenshots of communications and emails with the abuser and document them. However, the best thing to do will be to leave the abuser. In the long term, gaslighting can mess your mind up and possible take away your sanity and it is known to even drive some people to suicide.

Sources

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Heartbroken mother blames gaslighting for daughter’s death
Opinion: Gaslighting and psychological abuse need to be addressed on campus
What is gaslighting, where does the term come from and is it a form of abuse within relationships?

Learn the early signs of abuse / Get Support:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Malaysia – Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO): +603 7956 3488
(Mon to Sat: 9am - 5pm. Also Tues, Wed and Fri: 7pm - 10pm) or
Whatsapp TINA: +6018 988 8058 (24 hours)