For some reason, today seemed like the perfect starting point for resuming a weekly series I used to run on my blog, some 15 years ago: "Soapbox Sunday."

Truth is, I'm super opinionated and I like to write commentary about the twistedness and foibles of the human species... and particularly some of the ridiculous ways in which we rationalize and validate our own dysfunctions as not-that.

Anyway, I am launching the tag #soapbox-sunday, and would to invite anyone who periodically enjoys "taking on" some possibly controversial topic to do so on Sundays and use the tag on their posts-- and perhaps we can turn it into a community-wide engagement challenge of sorts!

Let's Talk About Self-Esteem...

The whole idea of self-esteem is, of course, a pretty good thing. Let's face it, if you don't value yourself, it's kinda hard to authentically value other people. And if you don't think much of yourself, it's also pretty hard to do things like get a good job, or go on a date... get married. 

Unless, of course, you can find someone who puts "self-loathing" high on their list of qualifications.

Joking aside, self-esteem tends to be a broadly misunderstood thing.

In its most concise definition, self-esteem might be described as an individual's somewhat subjective evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as the core approach to one's beliefs about oneself. It tends to be made up of a number of components-- for example "I'm intelligent" and "I am skilled" and "I'm worthy" and such things.

Note how these all come from-- and revolve around-- the self.

Misunderstandings, and such...

Of course, it seems like people broadly misunderstand self-esteem.

One common misconception is that someone with "high self-esteem" has to (by some nebulous and unidentifiable standard) mean a person who's an arrogant pushy pillock who pretty much steamrollers over everyone else with the force of their charm and assertiveness. 

Not exactly. But do read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And megalomania. 

Another common misconception is that people with high self esteem are eternally positive and upbeat. Not true... in fact... excessively positive people are often glossing over some sense of lack inside. People with high self-esteem can get depressed, just like anyone else.

Self-esteem is also not an absolute... something you either "have" or "don't have." Not only are there degrees of self-esteem, but it can be compartmentalized. That's something I learned about in therapy, many moons ago... I had no doubt in my mind that I was smart and personable enough to find and keep a great job, while at the same time... didn't believe I was worthy of a date with Quasimodo's uglier cousin, even if I promised her a free trip to Tahiti. 

Self-Esteem is About YOU, not About Other People!

What makes self-esteem a soapbox issue for me is the way many, many, MANY people falsely equate self-esteem with what other people think about them.

It's called SELF esteem, people... not "Other-People-Esteem!"

Yeah, I know... there's usually a shitstorm of protest, every time I bring up this point. 

Yes, it is true-- to a limited degree-- that the approval of loved ones, and praise from friends and colleagues may make us feel better about ourselves... in the moment. But it's a short lived boost... much like the small "boost" we get from our Steemit post being upvoted, or getting 2000 "friends" on Facebook.

But here's the problem: If your "self-esteem" is predicated on other people's approval, it's a pretty fragile foundation for your life! And when you're in a cycle of chasing approval, validation and adoration externally in order to maintain your self-esteem-- an inner process-- the outcome is almost inevitably negative: Someone will "let you down" or "not say the right thing" or "do the wrong thing" and suddenly you hate yourself. That's NOT "self-esteem!"

Part two of the soapbox issue-- for me-- is the stupid place we have reached in society, where we pretend any and everything is "good." Because God forbid someone's "self-esteem" should be messed up because we actually tell them that what they did kinda sucked.

If EVERYTHING is "Amazing," then NOTHING is "Amazing!"

For all his other faults and dubious qualities, one of the useful life lessons I learned from my father (who died when I was 18) was not to "overstate reality," simply to make someone feel good about themselves.

Specifically, not to call something "awesome" or "amazing," unless it truly was.

From where I am sitting, that's one of the great challenges we face in society today. 

It's mathematically (and psychologically) impossible for everyone to be "above average." When we praise our children and peers falsely by labeling the average as "genius" we're actually doing something psychologically destructive! 

Not only do most adults recognize a false statement of praise... resulting in a state of inner anxiety... but when we overpraise our children, we might protect them from harm when they are young, but as soon as they leave home, they are in for an ugly surprise when they interface with a world that is not at all impressed by their "average genius."

Besides, how are you supposed to objectively value ANYthing, when EVERYthing is described as "awesome?"

SO let's discuss! What do YOU think? Does it seem like a lot of people mistake true self-esteem with others telling them they are great? Do you agree that self-esteem is an INNER process, not an external one? If not, why not? Have you ever struggled with self-esteem? How did you work through it? Are you still working on it? Leave a comment-- share your experiences and feedback-- be part of the conversation!

(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Published 20170903 15:56 PDT