Living With Mindfulness: It is not Always About YOU!
It sometimes amazes me just how self-absorbed (or self-involved) people can be... and it amazes me even more just how subtle "being self-absorbed" can sometimes be.
Familial Contempt?
Yellow flowers in our garden
My sister-in-law lived with us for a little over two years, following some difficult times that caused her to become severely ill at her former work-- both physically and emotionally.
Don't get me wrong, she's actually a very kind and big-hearted person... but she also has an amazing ability to make everything that happens within a six mile radius "about HER."
If someone is telling a story about something that happened to them, she'll quickly enter the conversation and tell a story of something similar that happened to her... only, in her case it was much worse, consumed more resources and involved more people.
If somebody gets angry, or irritated, or sad... she'll find a way to "take responsibility" for the way they are feeling, and immediately the attention moves from the person with the actual issue, back to her and how she's ultimately the key element in the situation.
Those are just a couple of examples... and I have met plenty of people who are much worse than she at the process of "redirecting" attention to themselves.
So What's My Point Here?
People often make the false assumption that a "self-absorbed person" is someone who's constantly and blatantly acting in an overtly "selfish" manner, and is actively "drawing attention to themselves" in an actively narcissistic fashion, telling everyone how "great" they are.
Pink flower with dewdrops
Not true, at all. Often, self-absorbed people are very subtle about it. They just seem to have a way to quietly take a conversation, or an activity, or an idea... and somehow "divert the focal point" back to themselves. Sometimes they do this by subtle "one-upping;" sometimes they do it by having a "crisis" of their own in the middle of someone ELSE's traumatic event.
You've probably met people like this... there may even be some in your family or immediate circle of friends. We often don't notice them because they are "non-malicious" in their approach to life. They are usually not "bad" people who make us think "What a selfish (*$#!?!"
Often we don't become aware of them till we notice that we frequently feel emotionally drained when we've been around them. And that's an important warning sign!
Energy Vampires and Black Holes
You've probably heard the expression "Energy Vampire" to describe someone whose behavior tends to leave you emotionally and psychologically drained after you've been around them. Energy vampires are not that uncommon.
Fall Japanese maples ion the sun
However, there's another group of people I don't think of as much as "energy vampires" (a very popular pop-psychology term, these days) as simply "black holes."
Think about it. A "vampire" actively sucks your "blood" (energy) and feeds on you. At the end, they are "fed" and you are drained.
On the other hand, a "black hole" just sits there passively, and all "light" (energy) is absorbed by it. Black holes are generally not even aware that anything is going on, or that they are part of any kind of behavior pattern. They are also not malicious in intent... and would be horrified by the idea they were draining and hurting others... ironically, creating a scene if they were told, consuming even more energy around them.
What to do? If you encounter someone who's a "Black Hole," simply limit your time with them, and be aware what you're dealing with, so you have a clear understanding of WHY you are exhausted afterwards.
How about YOU? Have you encountered any "Energy Vampires" and "Black Holes" in your life? Do you think you can tell the two apart? How did you cope with the situation? Leave a comment-- share your experiences and feedback-- be part of the conversation!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Published 20171009 17:03 PDT
Great post. Boundaries are so important. It's sad how needy some people are, but I try to remember they are probably expressing a poorly met need in a sad way. If only we could easily rewrite our brains to get what they need in healthy ways.
No doubt, Luke, they are in a great deal of pain or have old wounds that have never been attended to or examined. With enough rigorous self-inquiry and support from those around us, we can actually rewire our neural pathways to bypass the old toxic responses... it's the "easily" part that eludes both conventional and alternative therapies. Some "friendly acquaintances" (Drs. Elaine & Art Aron) have done a lot of neuroscientific work to understand how our neural nets work and how we can "repair" our brains from toxic damage. Elaine syays the goal is to go from 10 years of conventional talk therapy to about 3-6 months of intensive co-counseling, working with a trusted partner.
Oh, yeah. That makes sense actually. Since it is sort of an attention-seeking behaviour, it would seem that they are lacking in that in some way. Hence, they take to these measures to bring attention/pity to themselves. Good point. :)
Black hole seems like a more accurate way to describe these types of people. This is where that "listening to reply" thing comes in. Feels like a self absorbed competition if anything, where the situation is harder for the person, and making every story circle back to them.
I feel that even more so now with technology embracing personalized experiences and indivuality, people want ways to stand out more, even if it's not in a healthy manner. For me, it's a deal breaker when hanging out with someone.
I'm sure you're right @shello-- the "Attention Economy" of our modern times has an inherently narcissistic element to it that tends to lead people on a path of everything being a story about them. When you add in part wounds and psychological damage, it just becomes that much more intense.
Ah! Attention economy is a great way to explain it. Society, and media tell us that being about yourself, and self love is okay, but as you previously stated- old wounds can make a person use these perceptions in a negative, more self serving way. Thank you again for your posts, they are all interesting and rather thought provoking c:
Interesting post.
You are correct in the difference between the 'vampiric' type and the passive 'black hole', type of person. (coming from a family of 'black hole' types).
They are very different.
Do you find you attract predominantly 'one type', in your life?
I think I must have a psychic beacon on my head saying 'vampires feast here', and another sign that says 'a black hole free zone'.
Do other people experience that same phenomenon, or is it me?
That's a good and interesting question. I think people who tend to be naturally empathic and caring are more likely to attract both types... since we're basically talking about a way of getting subconscious psychological needs met. I tend to attract these people because I am generally willing to be a good listener... and that makes me a good "dumping ground" for those with a lot of troubling things going on.
Personally, I am probably less attractive to "vampires" because they are more active and aware... and I am more willing to call people on their patterns. "Back holes" tend to be far less aware of their "doing" anything...
But that could be quite different from person to person.
The situation with your sister-in-law is kind of funny to me. Personally it would't bother me to live with such a person. In fact i do not like any attention drawn towards me, so if she can be the center of attention rather than me, it works just fine.
The only time i have an issue with self absorbedness is when it comes to helping people and doing things that actually make a real difference. like i was reading a psychology book today about people's behavior in good samaritan situations. it said that people usually refrain from helping strangers in distress because there are other people are around (and some other reasons). I was thinking how selfish can people be? its not about how you feel when you have to help others in emergencies. Just do it.
In the case of my sister-in-law, the problem mostly was that my wife and I both have very busy lives... and didn't really have TIME to drop everything we were in the middle of in order to be front and center in her eternal chaos.
Naturally, we're both helpful people... when help is really needed; but not so much when it is mostly attention seeking... and disrupts our own flow. Think of it is this way: If you end up getting sacked from your own work because of someone else's constant neediness keeping you from doing your job properly... who's really helped by that?
Woah, that sounds really dire. Thats a tough one because its family and you can't just keep them out of your life. But if the person is not a child they should not become such a heavy burden for you guys. i wouldn't know what to do except tell her to get her own place. Come up with a good excuse .
I have a friend who does this to a tee. It’s really unfortunate because like you said they’re not being intentionally or actively malicious, so it’s hard to deal with them without causing an even bigger scene and digging your relationship with them into an even deeper hole ...
You just have to stay aware of what's going on and set healthy boundaries for yourself... remember it's their drama, not yours.
well said
You know I'm guilty of this sometimes and make mistakes which unknowingly hurt people around me. I've learned self-absorption is a path to self-destruction, caring about only yourself like your some king meant to be treated with respect.
Perhaps we are ALL guilty of doing something like this at one time or another; I know I am. But awareness-- and I commend you for having it-- goes a long way towards catching ourselves before we become a weight around other people's necks.
Awareness is indeed the starting point after with your at tested at several obstacles that make sure you go back to the start. Only, you have to make sure that you don’t.
haha yes.. my ex wife was the worst kind of vampire you could ever meet. Physical and emotional needs amplified due to daddy issues.. how do I know? Remarried with an amazing person without those vampire-like attributes.
Sometimes we get in these relationships in order to heal certain things in ourselves. I know a lot of people who have "exes like that," but it was an outcome of being with those exes that they now recognize what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. That was also true for myself!
Thank you for your thoughts. It is interesting how some people feel overly responsible for all happenings around them. Boundaries are good.
Indeed... and they take responsibility as a mechanism to divert attention onto themselves-- in the form of sympathy, help, empathy or something else.
The ego can run amok. It gets fed by just a little bit of attention and grows bolder.
I fortunate not to have anyone immediately come to mind when mentally scanning for "energy black holes" but this is a good reminder to be careful about redirecting in a selfish way during my interactions with people.
As much as anything, I think it's about general mindfulness: does the person we are interacting with have genuine needs or are they purely trying to divert attention to themselves? Similarly, we can look at ourselves and out own behavior patterns through that lens of perception.
Sometimes we just need to sit and listen and advise others instead of telling something about them. We should use our experiences to guide others not have them feel some sort of sympathy
I would generally agree with that... but there also have to be be healthy limits. If it is someone's lifestyle to eternally be in crisis... rather than just isolated accidents... then it can become quite destructive for everyone around.