Let's talk about people obsessed with always having control
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Because of our nature as human beings, we can have an urge to feel that we have our life under proper control, because this helps us feel safer and causes our mind to be at ease, which is obviously good for our well being.
However, when this urge of feeling in control becomes an emergency or an imperative requirement for our peace of mind, it can cause chaos in every kind of relationship we have, whether it is with colleagues, friends or family, simply because the interactions we have with other people will be heavily influenced by this issue.
Some people have a greater than normal need for control, making them what some would call “control freaks”. These control seekers often grew up in a chaotic environment as children, one in which their parents were absent or not effectively able to provide a stable nurturing environment, leaving them with a constant sense of anxiety as they grew older. | Source
How come some people be like this?
If we want to know what can be experienced while a person is feeling fear for not having enough control, we must first know what the need for control is and what implications it has in the way we think.
By “having enough control” I mean the need of the person to understand what surrounds him in order to be able to change it or to feel some kind of power over things. As well as the urgency the person feels to determine a series of results or consequences before they happen.
When this need for control is threatened by mere chance, because the situation does not depend on the person or because others are the ones making the decisions, it is possible for this person to experience a series of negative emotions such as frustration and anger, which forces him to carry out acts of domination, extortion or simple criticism.
So, people with losing-control anxiety are perfectionists. They demand perfect certitude-or near perfect certitude--and when they don't get it they worry and ruminate about it. | Source
The person could react in different ways, he might make greater efforts to try to control an uncontrollable situation, or he can end up having a feeling of helplessness in which the attempts to dominate disappear completely, with the correspondent frustration for failing in his attempt to control.
Although generally the tendency to plan for things or prepare them in advance are considered as positive and can be really effective for the achievement of our goals, when this tendency is taken to the extreme and becomes an intense need, it can interfere in our daily life.
What is the reason for this to happen?
The exaggerated urgency for control is usually caused by the angst of not having said control, and behind that angst there is an irrational fear of being at the mercy of others, of having great dependency on other people, which makes them have those negative feelings because of traumatic past experiences that the person hasn’t been able to overcome, and in which the person since he didn’t have control, felt defenseless or insecure.
Past experiences where the person was neglected or mistreated, might disproportionately stimulate the wish to regain the feeling that everything in his life is under control
However, there are several factors that can play an important role in influencing the urgency for control in the person, making said urgency to be extremely intense. Some of those factors are the following:
- A Difficult Childhood
- A Loss or Hurt in the Past
- Insecurities and Low Self-esteem
- For the Sake of Ego and Pride
| Source
While it is true that people suffering from this fear of having a lack of control, or with a the permanent urgency to feel like being the one in control, might look strong and confident, the reality is that behind this appearance there is a certain fragility, as well as a great weakness to the idea or fear that there are certain things that can not be controlled, things that will happen regardless of what the person wants.
Therefore, they love the sensation of having everything under control since it allows them to feel powerful, because for a moment it can make them believe they are more capable than ever as well as being prepared for any action they want to take.
In addition, another of the characteristic that define these people is the feeling that others depend on their ability to manage the events that take place on a daily basis. So this feeling of responsibility can add some stress as well.
It is fair to say that these people hardly ever relax, because whether they have the control they want, or if they lack it, they will tend to be emotionally loaded no matter what.
According to Jerry Kennard, he says that these issues are more common as people "... monitor costs, maintain a fastidiously clean home, and freely dispense advice as to how others should live their lives. It is also fairly common to find that controllers have relationships or partnerships with people of low self-esteem or victim mentalities". | Source
Conclusion
We should never allow our natural need to feel in control to take a hold on us, because getting rid of issues like this one is not an easy business, and we will feel frustrated time and time again as we constantly face situations and people that are can't be controlled by us.
One of the best things of lives is having surprises that can bright our day, and of course, surprises cannot be controlled by us, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise in the first place.
If you work on your own improvement instead of trying to control others, healthier relationships at work, as well as everywhere else, will then come to you as a result. | Source
Therefore, allowing life to take its course, freely, without us needing to guide things that are of no concern to us is the best way to approach uncertainty, the only thing we can and should control are our own actions, and nothing more.
Reference
psychologytoday – control freak
psychologicalscience - control
psychologytoday - fear of losing control
psychologenie – control issues
anxietycentre - fear of losing control
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I have met a lot of people who are the same as what you have stated above. These are people who tries to control others and by doing so they are seen as bossy,initimidating and domineering. The feeling of being on top can give them an unexplainable satisfaction of power & control.
True that sometimes they are the more fragile ones. The urgency to control and manipulate are just an escape or a facade to hide the irrational fear of being controlled and failure to dominate others.
Awesome article @dedicatedguy, I'm glad I passed by. 😉
This can very well be the case with some people.
I really appreciate your words mate!
Sure thing buddy 😉
life presents us with a lot of surprises and events that sometimes we wish we can change. God knows I wish I could control events that happen to me and around me. I mean who wouldn't. But am glad the surprises and events have contributed to the woman I know today as me
Indeed, we all have made mistakes or suffer bad experiences that if given the chance, we would change them without thinking about it, but perhaps, its better to not have a perfect life and go through mistakes and failures, otherwise how would we gain new knowledge and discover new things if not by trying and failing multiple times?
For example, in the case of the bad experiences you had, I am sure you learned a lot from them.
Well i don't know if this is related. But there is this guy who still sees me as a that young guy i used to be.
Every time he keeps talking and never allows me to reply he always likes to take control of conversations telling you how things should be and why it should be so. He never allows you to speak.
Well i cut him away out of my life. I don't want any grudge i always avoid him. As i hate being controlled all the time.
Is there anything one can do to such person?
The best way would be to tell him subtly in a way so that he realizes and dials down on his own.
If that doesn't work and you consider him a friend, you could just tell him. Try a truthful joke of how he always takes control of conversations or just tell him. I was more than once ( and I think we all have) on the other side and someone made us pay attention to a little mistake we were making. Self-analysis is flawed sometimes and you need external input. My 2 cents..
The truth is that
He has become the last person i want to see. I always avoid him, he never listens and he is always talking which is annoying. Am that kind of person who likes the other party to listen and tgen talk talking together is just an argument.
When next i see him. I would try your advice hopefully he doesn't get mad.
There is a chance that he doesn't do that on purpose, situation in which he will understand and try to correct. Or he might not even get it, even when saying it plainly. There are people and people..
Exactly, this doesn't necessarily have to be about wanting to control the situation, but it does looks like it. And I understand why people like this can be annoying.
Well.. I have no idea why he is like that. But i for sure know his background might be a cause of this.
Why don't you simply tell me the same thing you are commenting here? Have you try to do that?
Because I know there are some people that might have problems treating others as adults and keep treating them as a child. Its like they were stuck and they can't change the perception they have. But they should, because people change and they change fast.
I will try to.. I guess i am just tired of hearing his shit and i do not want to sound rude. But next time i see him o am going to lash out at him if he hasn't changed of course.
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Thanks mate!
Thanks for your insight! I'll try to cover a different aspect in my comment:
I think I am a light control freak; when doing something for the first times, I tend to think of many or all of the processes and try to streamline everything for time and efficiency. When someone else does the same thing and they can't raise up to my expectations I feel the need to take it apart and do it my way. Of course that I fight it, it's why I am only a light control freak.
And that's also the reason behind why my home is always messy, I don't have the time to clean it up and I don't like anyone else to do the job :)
I do the same actually, trying to automate my duties to make them faster and save more time.
My pc was infected by a virus yesterday and i couldn't do some things. You need to see how frustrated i was, my sister was wondering if it was more than a computer virus.
I wouldn't say i am a control freak or perfectionist but i sure love it when things go smoothly without glitches (which is quite an impossibility in the real world).
The resolve i usually end up to is that "everything happens for a reason" and in cases where the occurrence is bad, "there is always light at the end of the tunnel"
Maybe i can get a better approach.
Were you able to fix your computer in the end?
I take online security very serious especially because of the involvement with crypto. A lot of hackers trying to get other people's tokens.
I haven't got it fixed yet. I haven't found an antivirus that can help me remove whatever is wrong but i have stopped using it to browse the internet. Hopefully, i will get a solution soon.
Thanks for your concern.
I have no such a problem but I can see this type of freak in my close environment. one of the reason may want to being perfect everything. so people wants to everytihing under control.
thanks for the great writing. I got more information from the post. @dedicatedguy
Indeed, they have a tendency to try to make absolutely everything perfect, which is obviously impossible .
Trying to control things too much will lead to loss of ontrol of your own mind...
Wonderful post..
Well, perhaps in an extreme case.
Loved this article. I have and still am struggling with these issues and you completely get it. I found some more freedom since I decided to give way less fucks about everything. I think the best thing is to be an optimistic nihilist in the sense that you realize nothing really matters especially failure, but you still try to do what's good for you and others. Cheers :)
Good for you for realizing that! I bet you were happy afterwards
Great stuff. Thanks, I appreciate this.