Acknowledging the State of My Mental Health, or lackthereof 😐
Last night, I came clean to my partner about the state of my mental health.
We were sitting beside each other quietly, myself physical paralyzed by the tumult of angry, miserable, redundant thoughts ravaging my mind, preventing sleep for yet another night. I whispered desperately, "I can't sleep."
A beat of silence. "Why not?" he asks.
"Redundant thoughts." My heart begins pounding. I've said too much.
Sharing my inner emotional state would unfairly put my misery on him, and possibly give him the impression that it is his fault. In any other instance, that belief would've won and I'd have kept quiet.
"What about?" he continues.
"How miserable I am."
I am not a publicly distraught person. While I would never advocate the suppression of one's emotions or the diminishing of the impact of mental imbalance, I've rarely given myself the same grace I afford others. Of course, from time to time I share my frustration with my situation or my disappointment in my performance. I stick to the facts and follow the problem with a solution, even if it's unimaginable to implement in my state of emotional chaos.
For as long as I can remember, I have had an unceasing dialogue in my mind that ranges from eye-rolling frustration and judgment to mobility impairing despair. These thoughts are made-up conversations had between me and a person with whom I'm working, dating, living, or fighting. They're made up conversations where I tell them to fuck off, to be nice to me, to do something they continue to fail to do, or to leave me alone forever. They're often conversations of negativity and hopelessness.
Or worse, they're soliloquies. About my doomed relationships. My failed dreams. My spending habits. My body, level of fitness, state of health, even my mental environment. My brain thinks about itself thinking. It's madness.
I didn't know that other people had these redundant thoughts.
At least, and at the risk of sounding like a real piece of work, I didn't think functioning people had these thoughts. I thought that I was some extremely disassociated case of insanity who had crafted this light and airy persona that interacted with the world while the miserable, small, awful me raged endlessly in my mind.
My partner shared with me that in my telling him what I was experiencing, he realized I might be able to understand him, too. I asked, "You have these thoughts, too?"
"Different ones. I believe different things make us miserable."
I told him how hopeless I felt. I've been like this for so long, I can't imagine it ever going away. I can only imagine coping.
When I look at us, he and I, what holds us together is the most insane, unimaginable glue. We fight. We barely understand each other when we speak to one another. It's as if we are both conversing with our parents when we are conversing with one another and we don't even see our partner in the midst.
"I have faith that someday, after all of this, we will be happy."
"You have faith?" I ask. He chuckles somewhat sadly.
"Yeah. Belief in what seems completely unbelievable."
We're in a strange predicament, preparing for a very rushed move from a place where we once felt welcome and now feel like intruders. We're leaving the city and moving to a rural area, far from friends and family, resources, and strangely-now-importantly, mental health professionals.
I didn't expect to want or need therapy in my twenties. I thought I was fine and that coping was my only option. That moving forward pretending that this existential despair and continuous disparaging state was my life-sentence. But, now I have hope.
And, even though I'm moving away from the opportunity to seek professional counseling and this is the first I've ever told a loved one how utterly broken I feel; and I can't profess enough that I don't know what to do from here... somehow, with support, I have hope.
Hope doesn't feel like I thought it would.
I anticipated hope would feel like it looks in the movies. A swelling warmth in your chest, the sun shining brighter and the world moving out of your way to open opportunities like a hot knife through butter. Nope.
To me, hope is scary. Hope is a huge risk. I can't control hope the way I can control facts, experiments, variables, and equations. I can control the idea that therapy + hard work = healing. I can't control hope.
But, I want to have it. I need it.
I don't know how to end this piece - article, post, whatever I'd call it beyond a babbling entry to my very public diary - because I don't know anything beyond this possibly being the start of something. Learning, healing, growth - I don't know.
But, I hope so.
Hi, I'm Amelia! It's nice to meet you.
I'm a writer, minimalist, tiny home dweller, and maker living in East Tennessee, USA. You might have found me through the Ladies of Steemit curation initiative, showcasing the female voices on the Steemit platform. Let's hang out on the blockchain and see where it takes us.
Proud member of
banner by @bearone
Hey Amelia, thanks for sharing this very vulnerable and open piece. Personally I think that takes a lot of courage. 💙 I went to therapy in my 20s and experienced a lot of shifts. I’d been carrying around negative thoughts about myself and life, “shoulds”, etc. I remember one therapist, who I was so afraid to go to I put it off for years with my soul burning feeling like I needed to go!, saying, I want you to write down every negative thought you have during the day..and then cross them off.
That was my homework till I saw her again. I think many of us grow up thinking therapy certainly isn’t for us and it carries a stigma in our culture, which I think is unfortunate because we often come from families whose wounds get passed down from generation to generation like heirlooms. Suddenly, they’re our issues to heal!
I am so glad you’re stepping into a bright future and off the ledge into the unknown. It feels like the right move and I hope, too, that your thoughts can soften and find some graciousness in your being for yourself. Ultimately I wish that for all of us. The beating, urgent voices can drive us all and we need a good dose of gentleness and self love 💕
I agree with @mountainjewel that writing down the negative thoughts plays a cathartic role in one's healing process. You already took the right steps and started the healing by opening your soul. It's great that your partner is offering the love and support you need. Be well!
I would like to extend my support, as well, by refering to the beautiful words of the two replies above.
The idea of writing down those thoughts in my head seems scary at first, but I've reread your comment a few times and I could see how this would benefit me tremendously. Just opening myself up to acknowledge that these thoughts occur has somehow lessened their impact noticeably... putting the thoughts on paper sounds like the logical next step to taking back the power they have over my psyche. ✨
definitely... it's all about taking the power back and realizing that they don't truly have power over you except what has been given to them by you. things grow stronger when repressed, in the dark, hidden, etc. they lose their power through vulnerability/transparency/honesty and i think you're well on your way. i think bringing things to light actually diffuses it a lot- or at least we can look at it for what it truly is. alll the power to YOU!! it's powerful work and i'm actually really excited for you during this special time!!!
I'm not an expert, but I've been exploring vulnerabilty as a means of healing. It may have something to do with generosity: our vulnerability often gives value to those who experience it, and it may have something to do with empathy: we receive it only when we're honest enough to allow other people the opportunity to express it.
Either way, I think your willingness to open up to your partner, and your readers, can only serve to bolster the healing process.
Well done.
Thank you @layl 💓 Everyone here, commenting and offering their perspectives and experience has bolstered my spirits and inspired me to continue seeking an understanding of what I'm going through. I believe you're onto something with vulnerability - by being vulnerable, here and in my life, the empathy of others has been more healing than my solitary "powering through it" has ever been.
Sorry you're going through these struggles. I can relate to much of what you're saying. I've seen therapists on and off since high school and I'm 36. Right now, I only see my psychiatrist. Therapy only worked as much as I was willing to work it. They would give you the tools, but you would have to use them. Two of the more practical strategies that stuck in my mind out of my hours in therapy are these:
For every negative thought you have, consciously replace it with two positive thoughts. (Something you're grateful for, noticing something beautiful, focusing on another's positive attribute, or a strength you have) One positive thought to cancel out the negative one, and a second positive thought to gain the upper hand. Just force it if you must, it may be very difficult, like a war inside your head, but over time it gets easier.
The second strategy somewhat mirrors some of the above comments. Writing your redundant thoughts down. One therapist once told me that when we dwell on a thought, it's like a spinning quarter. Sometimes we have one quarter spinning, sometimes multiple quarters spinning. When you write each thought down, it's like slapping each quarter down, and it truly can give you more peace.
Stay strong!! I know you can overcome this @ameliabartlett
Such a vulnerable and open hearted post and my heart goes out to you ❤️ I know about the thought of seing yourself in a negative way and my insecurities were a big obsticle for me and I never went to a therapist but my love ones has always been a big support and believing in me so I managed to se myself in the mirror and not look away... That was a big step for me and it's possible to change this around and I can se you already have hope and faith and That is a big step in the right direction. Open up to your love one was really brave and I'm sure that will make a difference to. Once you get help I'm sure you will raise and know that you're not alone and I'm already blown away by your strength and by sharing this with us.... How brave was that? 😊
Much Love and hugs to you 🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️
Oh, my friend. As someone with anxiety, I get all of this very much. It is so great you were able to speak, with your partner, and now publicly. Talking about anxiety is a huge part of dealing with it, because it's the way to find out how very much not alone you are in the struggle.
If you are a hugging person, I offer hugs. If not, just my sympathy and the knowledge that I have been there, and in many ways still am.
I'm accepting your hug with open arms, @didic. It's crazy to me how just a few days ago, this was a figment of my imagination. My misery was unreal and paralyzing. And now, opening up about it, which seemed so scary and minute and simple and possibly like a terrible idea, it's no longer so scary at all.
When my SO's depression hit, she didn't tell me for months. She was sure it was gonna be the end for us. But talking about it robs it of much of its power. Not all of it, sadly. But quite a bit!
One last hope, a snowdrop on your lips, melting with your breath, but what would we do for one last hope?
I also have problems to sleep, I consider myself overall a positive person, but I have difficulties to switch my brain off, thus I live sometimes perpetually in a state of anxiety and concern :/. I've learned to cope with my own fears, but I do not fear hope, because hope keep me going. That hot mug of tea looks comforting. Healing, serenity and growth wishes
As someone who has escaped two cities, and now lives in a very rural and secluded area (we literally can't see any neighbours) - I have to tell you that I couldn't be happier. I don't want to sound anti-social or like a recluse, but the noise and the people of a city feel heavy to me... frustrating and annoyance at just the noise and frenetic pace of it all.
I have found though, that a ridiculous amount of exercise quiets my redundant thoughts... I think a lot, about all the things, but moving away from the chaos and training super hard basically means I crawl into bed exhausted and I'm asleep as my head hits the pillow. When I don't exercise this much, I can spend the whole night thinking.
I know it's annoying when people throw easy answers at you expecting to resolve all your issues with quick throwaway quips... but I did want to share that you're not the only one...
Thank you for sharing your experience - moving to a rural area both thrills and scares me. I'm excited to see what the difference in environment does to my psyche and I'm hoping that the decrease in urban distractions allows me more space for physical activity and mindful activities, but I know that my tendencies may drive me to continue to carry the same habits.
Maybe implementing some kind of workout plan or activity plan/habit might help me replace redundant thoughts.
So much of this felt very familiar; and, as your discovering, is familiar for a lot of people. I do this same thing:
What a blessing to do the bold, courageous thing of communicating your feelings to your partner and being met with a response of solidarity and hopefulness.
Thank you for sharing vulnerably. I value you both for your gifts and your frailties. Give yourself grace, we do :)
Thank you for your acknowledgment, @coachjj. You know - I might reach out to you for some physical activity advice to help me implement more movement in my daily life. I'm thinking that sharing combined with some physical activity might bring some regular relief and tire out the hamster in my brain.
I’d love to help you come up with a plan that fits your daily life. It can be very simple and target your specific goals. There are so many beneficial things that go on in your body when you get physical activity. You know where to reach me ;)
I don't even know where to begin. I feel for you. I sleep with audiobooks regularly because my favorite narrator turned down so I can just hear him drowns out the cyclical thoughts so I can fall asleep. I meditate, I see a therapist regularly and about a year ago, I started taking sertraline. I couldn't believe anyone could think I needed that, but it has helped, at least for me. You are definitely not alone. Anxiety can be crippling. Talking about it sounds like it was a good idea. I wish you mental peace :-)
I so appreciate the bravery it took to share this with me, thank you @orangina. Everyone's authenticity and generous sharing have given me so much help to keep exploring my experience and working through it productively.
You're most welcome. I lived through some shit in the last 18 months and found out the hard way that it's really better to talk about it even if there's stigma, even if it's hard...not to say talk about it to anyone, but someone...
This is a brave and beautiful piece of writing. As I hope you’ll notice from all the comments (my own included!)--you are not alone. I think a lot of people feel like this at some point in their life (welcome to the last two years of my life, but that’s a story for another time). I think it can be even harder to deal when you feel like you’re isolated...so please keep sharing. (Plus, sharing your story will absolutely empower others to share theirs.)
And hey, you have my number, and I’m pretty okay at listening. I’ve needed people to do that for me, and I’m always happy to pay it forward. Sending love, light, and all good things your way.