Relationship Tips #6 How to Express Love with Requests, Not Demands
Love creates requests, not demands. Are you expressing your desires by requests or demands?
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This picture is too extreme but it's the best I could find 😏
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Dialect 3: Words of Humbleness
Often times, when we get comfortable with our partners, we tend to be blunt and straight forward. Instead of asking "Darling, can you make salad tonight?" but you said "Canned food again!?" and we don't realize these small little thorns will eventually accumulate and become sources of arguments.
We seek understanding from our partners, that they need to understand our desires and we understand theirs as well. However, the manner we convey our desires is exceedingly important.
A request offers a choice to our partner, that they are doing something we value and they have the right to decide. That we are of equal standing. Our partner act out of love, because love is always a choice.
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A demand closes off the possibility of choice. We become the commander, and our partner become the foot soldiers. They have to act according to the command out of fear or guilt. Never out of love.
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The consequences between a request and a demand is a world of difference, yet the border of execution is separated by thin, fine line. A desire can easily be expressed in demand if not controlled.
A simple real-life example between me and my boyfriend.
Me: Open the door
Boyfriend: opens the door
Me: Can you open the door?
Boyfriend: Yeah, sure 😊 opens the door
Result is the same, My boyfriend opens the door for me. But his expression and feeling is different. Which would you feel better hearing? Demand or Request?
Of course Request right! Here's how to express your desires in the form of request.
Useful tips
- If you are the kind of person that speaks without thinking, this is a challenge to you. First, you need to be conscious of what you speak to your partner.
- Add the question "Can you ..." in front of all your desires.
- Look from a new point of view, "When my partner expresses his/her desires, it's a hint for me to express my love"
- I personally reflect on most of the things I said to my boyfriend. If there is a demand I said unconsciously, I will apologize and determine to not repeat it again.
- Write down the demands and requests you've said daily and review them with your partner.
Q: What are your most common desires that should be requested but they were conveyed as demands?
This Relationship Tips series include practical how's and what's of speaking your partner's love language. If your partner's love language is Physical Touch and Quality Time, I will share firsthand experiences of what I've done and its results :)
Relationship Tips is one of my initiative to help people improve their relationship based on a book I was reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and my experiences.
Check out my series here:
Relationship Tips #1: Know Your Partner's Love Language Here!
Relationship Tips #2: How to keep the love tank full, or most of the time full?
Relationship Tips #3: Is This "In Love" or "Real Love"?
Relationship Tips #4:How to Express Love with Words of Encouragement
Relationship Tips #5: How to Express Love with Words of Kindness
I believe having a good relationship will carve a positive path in all areas of your life. This belief is backed up by an 80 year-old research by Harvard University.
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I experienced the two most intense relationships of my life in succession, both over within 24 months of my marriage breaking up. I spent a long and painful time processing and untangling my feelings about these three relationships. I came to realise that the dynamics of communication were key to an understanding of how they broke down/dissolved/wasn't right in the first place. I had to do some difficult pain/grief-processing before I was able to take responsibility for my own role in the drama and retrospectively observe its incremental steps. I also had to get to know myself and learn about inner communication.
It is pretty safe to say that all communication carries energy - the difference can be felt by testing the provided examples of demand vs request. If the words 'open the door' have (and they don't always) the energy of power and control behind them, then they are experienced very differently from something that is said neutrally or positively (with love). Of course, a passive-aggressively framed request may really be a demand in disguise, carrying the energy of violence, anger and aggression! This can manifest at subtle levels.
Looks like we are in agreement – a demand, or exercise of power/control removes choice; obedience is required, else there is conflict – and conflict, for so many, is to be feared! This is not the energy of love, clearly! Along with choice goes the voluntary side of the relationship – I would like to want to be with my partner and would wish for my partner to want to be/interact with me (besides it feels soooooooo much nicer this way)! Equality, respect and freedom (from fear of being under 'control') are essential - they are not ornamental. Sweet sounding words can carry bitter energy, and appearances are often deceptive - IF games are being played. Thing is, most games seem to be unconsciously played, the players not really aware of what's going on (was for me anyway). So what to do? Are we then enslaved by our unconscious game-playing, and can hope at best for a relatively stress-free compromise in a relationship? Isn't that a rather bland and low-flying aspiration, considering what it is like to experience and feeeeeeeeeel the powerful energy of love? Do we think that we don't deserve, and thus just take what we can get?
Perhaps at the heart of the ability to engage in healthy communication along the lines we are discussing may be a simple measure of one's own self-respect/self-worth. If one cannot provide something for oneself, how is it then possible to give it away to someone else, I wonder!? Can it come from outside the partnership? Can one take respect gained from X and transfer it over to the partner who is disrespectful, thereby gaining their respect, bit like powering up? Is there any way to do it other than to stop playing games altogether? Can you(in general) be(come) aware of the games you (are) play(ing)? Perhaps your attention is only drawn to the games other people play?!
Peace & Respect
🚣
For transparency: I came here as a result of "Steemit Comment Challenge #19", hosted by @danielsaori. It is a 'competition' and I have approached it as such, but without a sense of competing against anyone. This is just my POV, polished up a little for presentation. The subject matter is of great interest to me anyway and I have enjoyed the thought processes involved in my comment/entry. I wanted to post here before there and it's longer than intended...Thank you @tifaong 🌟
Forgive the indulgence, but this photo is from 2006, taken by a photographer friend with a mind for synchronistic connections. It's a perfect fit and came to mind when writing this. It wants to be here, so here it is:
Hi @barge, I'm glad what I wrote prompted you to think so much. I believe it is part of your personal growth too. I believe same as yours, if you do not love yourself, can you love others? Probably but most likely the relationship will be a demanding one, as you require external love to fill your emotional needs. Self-love is one of the most important topic that I want to cover next month :)
Thank you for pointing out a very important thought, request disguised as demand, most of the time I heard this as close as sarcasm. The disguise is accompanied by the facial expression, body language and tone of the sentence. Tone of the voice is usually harsh and angry. Body language could be directive or commanding. Facial expression is definitely not the kind face. But some people manipulates others by requesting them to bend to their wills. These are a whole lot of different experts.
Thank you very much for entering the competition! I really appreciate your thoughts and I get to see a different point of view now.
Hi there @tifaong! As a member of @newbieresteemday, I'd like to introduce myself and congratulate you on your entry being chosen by @danielsaori for his commenting challenge! Great work :)
This is a very interesting post/series you've been doing; I went back and had a look at them. I've always been intrigued by the fact that in life, we need to take classes or pass tests for everything...driver's license, school etc.), except NOT for one of the most important things in life : relationships. I know some churches for example host marriage courses, but let's face it, looking at the divorce rate in Canada (where I'm from), we are obviously not doing something right!
I believe that in the end, we simply need to treat people the same way we want to be treated; treat them like we did upon first meeting. Being comfortable in a relationship is no excuse for being rude.
I don't want to have demands placed on me, so I don't place them on my husband. I want to have a choice in life, so he deserves the same choices. I guess it comes down to respect...do I respect my partner enough to give him the same treatment that I expect from him? If the answer for someone is 'no', then it's time to reevaluate your behaviour.
Hello @lynncoyle1, nice to meet you :) Thanks for introducting me to Ginabot. She's awesome!
Schools don't teach us relationships, so either our parents teach or we teach ourselves. The latter seems to be more common, and we learn the hard way. Hence, divorce. What's the divorce rate in Canada, if you don't mind me asking?
to treat people the same way we want to be treated
What if he's twisted? He likes pain, so he inflicts pain on others? ;)
By the way, I like the way you question yourself.
You're welcome for Ginabot; I love her :)
Our schools, especially in younger grades, focus lot on relationships. Of course at that age, it's more about "how to be a good friend", but I think that knowledge transfers at an older age to boyfriend/girlfriend stuff too.
I guess if he likes pain, he can find someone else who enjoys it to ;)
And yes, I think when you ask yourself specific questions about anything, it forces you to change behaviours that aren't really positive.
Cheers:)
GinaBot is the best!
Sadly those relationships are mainly driven by emotions, not reasons. And
these experiences are brought up to adulthood, where they think "If there's no emotions, there's no love." which is entirely wrong!
Hahaha a masochist with masochist huh.
It's a good way to reflect yourself, for your own growth too.
This post about demands and request is really a huge challenge to me. As much as I like to sound requesting and not demanding, i always fell in the latter. I always sound to be demanding. I guess my background has a lot to do with this.
I grew up under a disciplinarian. My father was very strick. He had a list of things we should do and we should avoid doing. It was a tip-toe life. Every action I made was monitored.
Now that I am a grown up, I really understand the demands of my father. Yes they were all demands.! And I think, if it were not because of that I am not who I am now.
As a teacher now, handling high school students about 13-16 years old, I really think that request is better than demands... But most of the students do not do what is required and requested...unless of course you demand it to them.
When it is a demand they better understand their responsiblities. But when it is a request, they feel not oblige to do. They will ignore the requests.
If i demand, i get good results.
If i request, i get ignored.
I love teaching. I love my students. I want to see them succeeding by doing the things they should do.
Hi @christianyocte, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'd like to ask a question,
High school students are tricky and smart. I'm not the right person to give you advice because I don't have rich experiences with high school students, just a few months, haha. If you're the student himself, how do you want the teacher to say when asking/telling you to do something?
Im very close to my students. Actually i am sitting beside my student in a jeepney. She told me that there is a tendency that the request will not be fulfilled.
But, yes request is better. There is volunteerism and willingness to do something for other person.
I cannot agree more that kids will obey under commands than requests. However this depends on their upbringing as well.
In my opinion, requests signifies you're both on equal standards. Demands signifies you're of higher authority.
If you stand as a teacher, demand is the effective way. If you stand as a friend, request could work. This need to be tested.
Thats very true. I understand better now.
Im very close to my students. Actually i am sitting beside my student in a jeepney. She told me that there is a tendency that the request will not be fulfilled.
But, yes request is better. There is volunteerism and willingness to do something for other person.
love this post! totally agree with the importance of putting in requests not demands. especially if you're an agreeable personality type, having someone phrase things in a positive light makes a huge difference :) excited to check out the rest of your relationship series!
Hi @freshee, thank you very much for taking your time to read. Request is the light, Demand is the dark :)
I hope this series will help you in some ways.
One of the spices of a long standing relationship is/are words of humbleness which when significantly used strengthens any relationship.
Am not in a relationship but allow me share this briefly (smiles) :
An older cousin of mine who is married once attested to the fact he is always willingly to act on request rather straight/blunt demand by his spouse. For instance, his spouse could say, 'Get me a bag of popcorn on your way back home', that's supposed to be a demand right? He eventually forgets to get the popcorn. In contrast, when she says, Could you please, get me a bag of popcorn on your way back home?, that's supposed to be a humble request right? Naturally for him that creates a lovely impression on him, such that he would never forget to buy her even more than what she requested for. His nature automatically defines demand & request.... haha haha haha.
Every act of humbleness in a relationship counts, even to the slightest, so to say!
What a well thought out piece @tifaong!
Hi @samal, thank you very much for reading and sharing your story! I really like your story!
Your cousin has a built-in mechanism in him that filters out demands and those didn't enter his memory! That's a really effective method! 😁
I like this,
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Love isn't harsh... Love is calm
Hi @adesojisouljay, mind elaborating more of what you wrote?
In Steemit community, we always encourage quality posts and quality comments. What makes a quality comment? Thoughtful and genuine.
It is one of the lines my husband always say. The way we talk is an act of love and respect. Demand is like saying I'm sorry, you leave the other party no option. You are right about that.
How about using "Would you" instead of "Can you"?
My husband and I use "Would you..." when requesting because we understand that we can do something it's the matter of "if you're willing to do it".
The only time I get on demand mode is when he tickles me. STOP IT, I say. And I realize my mistake because now him and the children tickle me haha.
Awww, you and your husband are so sweet. I believe both of you have a come a long way together :)
Yes, you're right. Would you is powerful. Willingness and Ability are different. I've included this powerful question in my next post, thank you very much for sharing!
Me too!! I demanded my boyfriend to STOP tickling me (which he wouldn't listen). Maybe next time we should try saying
"Would you stop tickling me???
hahaha I'm not sure that either would work when we're on the receiving end of tickling...
I tried this morning and it didn't work.... 😑😑😑
And the tickling goes even more intense 😅
The power of requests over demands can never be over emphasised, its so wonderful because it works hand in hand with communication and it makes for a healthy relationship. I find that i always did prefer doing things for a person on request rather than on demand... Nice piece...love it
Thank you @ladybirddd for taking your time reading this.
It's part of how you communicate :)
Unless you do things for your boss which is out of fear or authority XD
You are welcome